1
00:01:39,642 --> 00:01:42,270
Opening night,
opening night
2
00:01:42,437 --> 00:01:46,357
It's opening night
3
00:01:48,443 --> 00:01:51,613
It's Max Bialystock's
latest show
4
00:01:51,821 --> 00:01:55,199
Will it flop
or will it go
5
00:01:55,200 --> 00:01:58,285
The cast is taking
its final bow
6
00:01:58,286 --> 00:02:01,163
Here comes
the audience now
7
00:02:01,164 --> 00:02:04,124
The doors are open
They're on their way
8
00:02:04,125 --> 00:02:07,504
Let's hear
what they have to say
9
00:02:10,256 --> 00:02:13,801
He's done it again
He's done it again
10
00:02:13,802 --> 00:02:16,304
Max Bialystock
has done it again
11
00:02:16,971 --> 00:02:19,723
We can't believe it
12
00:02:19,724 --> 00:02:23,185
You can't conceive it
13
00:02:23,186 --> 00:02:25,646
How'd he achieve it
14
00:02:25,647 --> 00:02:29,275
It's the worst show
in town
15
00:02:29,776 --> 00:02:32,152
We sat there sighing
16
00:02:32,153 --> 00:02:35,280
Groaning and crying
17
00:02:35,281 --> 00:02:38,242
There's no denying
18
00:02:38,243 --> 00:02:41,453
It's the worst show
in town
19
00:02:41,454 --> 00:02:44,665
Oh, we wanted to stand up
and hiss
20
00:02:44,666 --> 00:02:48,335
We've seen shit,
but never like this
21
00:02:49,671 --> 00:02:52,340
Max Bialystock
has done it again
22
00:02:56,094 --> 00:02:59,054
The songs were rotten
The book was stinking
23
00:02:59,055 --> 00:03:02,851
What he did to Shakespeare,
Booth did to Lincoln
24
00:03:03,017 --> 00:03:06,354
We had this specially made up
for Max Bialystock.
25
00:03:08,648 --> 00:03:11,693
We couldn't leave faster
26
00:03:14,863 --> 00:03:17,990
What a disaster
27
00:03:17,991 --> 00:03:21,034
We are still in shock
28
00:03:21,035 --> 00:03:23,745
Who produced this schlock
29
00:03:23,746 --> 00:03:27,542
That slimy,
sleazy Max Bialystock
30
00:03:29,377 --> 00:03:30,503
What a bum
31
00:03:42,223 --> 00:03:43,224
Hello?
32
00:03:46,269 --> 00:03:47,687
Mr. Bialystock?
33
00:03:56,613 --> 00:03:57,906
Anybody here?
34
00:03:59,741 --> 00:04:00,949
Mr. Bialystock?
35
00:04:02,493 --> 00:04:05,288
Who are you?
What are you doing here?
36
00:04:05,580 --> 00:04:06,581
What do you want?
37
00:04:07,999 --> 00:04:09,751
Speak to me, dummy, speak!
38
00:04:10,960 --> 00:04:12,462
Why don't you speak?
39
00:04:13,296 --> 00:04:15,215
Scared. Can't talk.
40
00:04:17,258 --> 00:04:18,967
All right. I'm sorry.
41
00:04:18,968 --> 00:04:20,177
I'm sorry. Calm down.
42
00:04:20,178 --> 00:04:21,428
Get a hold of yourself.
Come with me.
43
00:04:21,429 --> 00:04:23,264
There. Come on. Come on.
44
00:04:25,016 --> 00:04:27,435
Come on. Right this way.
Watch your step.
45
00:04:29,354 --> 00:04:32,565
Look. Just...
Take a deep breath.
46
00:04:34,025 --> 00:04:35,443
Let it out slowly.
47
00:04:39,781 --> 00:04:42,407
Who are you?
I am Leopold Bloom.
48
00:04:42,408 --> 00:04:44,910
I'm an accountant.
I'm from Whitehall & Marks
49
00:04:44,911 --> 00:04:46,245
and I have come here
to do your books.
50
00:04:46,246 --> 00:04:47,329
Oh, you have, huh?
51
00:04:47,330 --> 00:04:49,331
Well, listen... Who is it?
52
00:04:49,332 --> 00:04:51,542
Hold me, touch me.
53
00:04:51,834 --> 00:04:54,504
Hold Me-Touch Me.
One of my backers.
54
00:04:54,879 --> 00:04:58,048
Listen, I have to meet
with an important investor.
55
00:04:58,049 --> 00:05:00,592
Do me a big favor.
Go to the bathroom.
56
00:05:00,593 --> 00:05:02,803
But I don't have to go.
Try. Try.
57
00:05:02,804 --> 00:05:04,596
Think of Niagara Falls.
58
00:05:07,475 --> 00:05:10,186
Be with you in a moment,
my darling!
59
00:05:14,274 --> 00:05:17,527
Hold Me-Touch Me.
Where is Hold Me-Touch Me?
60
00:05:17,944 --> 00:05:21,154
Kiss Me-Feel Me,
Pinch Me-Pinch Me,
Lick Me-Bite Me, Suck Me-F...
61
00:05:21,155 --> 00:05:22,991
Here she is.
Hold Me-Touch Me.
62
00:05:23,700 --> 00:05:26,660
You know, it worked. As soon
as I pictured Niagara Falls...
63
00:05:26,661 --> 00:05:28,454
Back! Back!
Don't make a sound.
I didn't have any problems...
64
00:05:34,627 --> 00:05:36,837
Coming. Coming.
65
00:05:49,684 --> 00:05:50,685
Better.
66
00:05:56,316 --> 00:05:58,192
Hello, gorgeous.
67
00:05:59,068 --> 00:06:02,947
Hold me, touch me.
As soon as I shut the door.
68
00:06:07,827 --> 00:06:09,995
Did you bring
the checkie?
69
00:06:09,996 --> 00:06:13,582
Bialy can't produce plays
without checkies.
70
00:06:13,583 --> 00:06:15,793
Here you go.
71
00:06:18,713 --> 00:06:22,049
But first,
can we please play a game?
72
00:06:22,050 --> 00:06:23,884
One dirty little game.
73
00:06:25,219 --> 00:06:28,514
All right,
my little sex kitty.
74
00:06:29,307 --> 00:06:30,850
What shall we play?
75
00:06:31,517 --> 00:06:34,394
The Debutante
and the Bricklayer?
Oh, no.
76
00:06:34,395 --> 00:06:35,520
No.
77
00:06:35,521 --> 00:06:37,982
How about the Rabbi
and the Contortionist?
78
00:06:38,149 --> 00:06:40,651
You like that one, Mama,
keeps you limber.
79
00:06:41,235 --> 00:06:45,322
I know. Let's play
the Virgin Milkmaid
80
00:06:45,323 --> 00:06:47,742
and the Well-Hung
Stable Boy.
81
00:06:51,412 --> 00:06:53,121
I don't think
I have the strength.
82
00:06:53,122 --> 00:06:57,000
Oh, don't worry.
I'll be gentle.
All right.
83
00:07:01,047 --> 00:07:03,507
Oh, dear!
84
00:07:03,508 --> 00:07:06,468
This milk is so heavy.
85
00:07:06,469 --> 00:07:08,888
I'll never reach the house.
86
00:07:09,931 --> 00:07:14,060
You there,
well-hung stable boy.
87
00:07:14,727 --> 00:07:17,522
Won't you please help me?
88
00:07:20,858 --> 00:07:23,194
Of course,
my little dairy queen.
89
00:07:23,861 --> 00:07:26,196
First, I'll take your milk.
90
00:07:27,532 --> 00:07:30,450
Then I shall take
your virginity!
91
00:07:31,661 --> 00:07:35,247
No. No. Never. No.
92
00:07:35,248 --> 00:07:37,542
Yes. Yes.
93
00:07:38,292 --> 00:07:40,919
Give it to me, well-hung,
give it to me.
94
00:07:40,920 --> 00:07:43,713
Darling, wait! I haven't
even had coffee yet.
95
00:07:43,714 --> 00:07:45,799
Take it easy. Take it easy.
96
00:07:45,800 --> 00:07:47,050
Oh, my God!
97
00:07:47,051 --> 00:07:49,469
Send me to the moon,
you animal.
Yes.
98
00:07:49,470 --> 00:07:51,471
Send me to the moon.
Yes.
99
00:07:51,472 --> 00:07:55,642
Yes, my darling. Thursday.
Come back Thursday.
100
00:07:55,643 --> 00:07:58,311
I'll send you
to the moon Thursday.
101
00:07:58,312 --> 00:08:00,021
I may even join you.
102
00:08:00,022 --> 00:08:02,941
But first the checkie.
Where's the checkie?
103
00:08:02,942 --> 00:08:05,153
Come on, come on,
find the checkie.
104
00:08:06,487 --> 00:08:08,614
Oh, here you go.
105
00:08:11,033 --> 00:08:14,494
I made it out
like you told me.
106
00:08:14,495 --> 00:08:18,249
To the title of the play,
"Cash."
Yes.
107
00:08:18,624 --> 00:08:21,585
It's a funny name
for a play, "Cash."
108
00:08:21,586 --> 00:08:22,711
Yes.
109
00:08:22,712 --> 00:08:25,964
So was The Iceman Cometh.
I'll see you Thursday.
110
00:08:25,965 --> 00:08:28,258
Ta-ta. Ta-ta.
111
00:08:28,259 --> 00:08:29,468
Bye.
Bye.
112
00:08:29,469 --> 00:08:30,677
Ta-ta.
Bye.
113
00:08:30,678 --> 00:08:33,054
Yes, yes, yes.
114
00:08:38,978 --> 00:08:40,771
You dirty old buzzard.
115
00:08:42,398 --> 00:08:43,940
May I come out
of the bathroom now,
116
00:08:43,941 --> 00:08:45,192
Mr. Bialystock?
117
00:08:45,193 --> 00:08:46,443
Yeah, sure.
118
00:08:46,444 --> 00:08:49,654
I'm terribly sorry
I caught you feeling up
the old lady.
119
00:08:49,655 --> 00:08:51,574
"Feeling up the old lady."
120
00:08:52,158 --> 00:08:53,910
Thank you, Mr. Tact.
121
00:08:54,285 --> 00:08:56,829
May I take your coat?
Oh, thank you.
122
00:08:57,580 --> 00:09:00,707
So, you're an accountant?
Yes, sir, I am, sir.
123
00:09:00,708 --> 00:09:02,292
Then account for yourself!
124
00:09:02,293 --> 00:09:04,419
Why are you looking up
little old ladies' dresses?
125
00:09:04,420 --> 00:09:05,670
Bit of a pervert, eh?
126
00:09:05,671 --> 00:09:07,422
I know what you're thinking.
127
00:09:07,423 --> 00:09:10,300
How dare you condemn me
without knowing
all the facts?
128
00:09:10,301 --> 00:09:12,886
Mr. Bialystock,
I wasn't...
Shut up!
129
00:09:12,887 --> 00:09:15,097
I'm having
a rhetorical conversation.
130
00:09:15,598 --> 00:09:18,099
Do you know who I used to be?
Why, yes.
131
00:09:18,100 --> 00:09:21,228
Yes. You were Max Bialystock,
the King of Broadway.
132
00:09:21,229 --> 00:09:23,689
No, I'm Max...
That's right.
133
00:09:24,565 --> 00:09:27,817
That's right.
And might I say,
Mr. Bialystock,
134
00:09:27,818 --> 00:09:30,320
and please don't take this
the wrong way,
135
00:09:30,321 --> 00:09:32,531
but you're not just
a dirty old man.
136
00:09:32,532 --> 00:09:33,782
Thank you.
137
00:09:33,783 --> 00:09:36,410
You're also
a great Broadway producer.
138
00:09:36,619 --> 00:09:39,288
And there's something
about me you should know.
139
00:09:39,956 --> 00:09:42,791
When I was a kid,
I had the good fortune
140
00:09:42,792 --> 00:09:45,585
to be taken to
Bialyhoos of Forty-Two.
141
00:09:45,586 --> 00:09:47,629
Oh, Bialyhoos?
Yes. Yes.
142
00:09:47,630 --> 00:09:50,591
And I still have
the ticket stub.
143
00:09:50,841 --> 00:09:52,426
Oh, look at that.
Yeah.
144
00:09:52,969 --> 00:09:55,972
And ever since,
I've had a secret desire
145
00:09:56,222 --> 00:09:58,391
to be a Broadway producer.
146
00:09:59,225 --> 00:10:01,310
A secret desire, huh?
147
00:10:02,103 --> 00:10:04,771
Well, kid. Can I give you
a little advice?
148
00:10:04,772 --> 00:10:06,607
Yes, sir.
Keep it a secret.
149
00:10:06,774 --> 00:10:09,277
Do the books, please.
Top drawer to the left.
150
00:10:17,743 --> 00:10:19,370
Oh, my God!
151
00:10:20,037 --> 00:10:21,705
Will you look at that?
152
00:10:21,706 --> 00:10:25,585
That's it, baby!
When you got it,
flaunt it! Flaunt it!
153
00:10:28,170 --> 00:10:31,382
Mr. Bialystock,
may I speak to you a minute?
154
00:10:31,799 --> 00:10:33,092
A minute?
Yes.
155
00:10:33,467 --> 00:10:34,843
Just one minute?
Yes.
156
00:10:34,844 --> 00:10:37,095
Okay.
In glancing at your books...
157
00:10:37,096 --> 00:10:38,597
Go!
I noticed that...
158
00:10:38,598 --> 00:10:40,473
You have 58 seconds left.
You've wasted two seconds.
159
00:10:40,474 --> 00:10:42,058
You're gonna time it?
Time is money.
160
00:10:42,059 --> 00:10:44,061
Right. Well,
I looked at your books,
161
00:10:44,353 --> 00:10:46,146
I looked at the columns marked
"Plays Received"...
162
00:10:46,147 --> 00:10:48,690
48 seconds. 48 seconds left.
And I can't make
the figures...
163
00:10:48,691 --> 00:10:50,066
Hurry! Hurry!
Mr. Bialystock,
164
00:10:50,067 --> 00:10:51,276
there's a problem
with your figures.
165
00:10:51,277 --> 00:10:53,361
Twenty-eight seconds.
You're running out of time.
166
00:10:53,362 --> 00:10:54,863
Tick-tock, tick-tock...
I cannot...
167
00:10:54,864 --> 00:10:57,532
I cannot. I cannot...
Fifteen seconds. Twelve.
168
00:10:57,533 --> 00:11:00,118
I cannot function...
9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
169
00:11:00,119 --> 00:11:01,870
under these conditions.
170
00:11:01,871 --> 00:11:04,707
You're making me
extremely nervous.
I was...
171
00:11:06,459 --> 00:11:09,377
What is that, a handkerchief?
What? This? No, this is...
172
00:11:09,378 --> 00:11:11,171
It's nothing.
It's nothing.
173
00:11:11,172 --> 00:11:14,550
Well, if it's nothing,
then why can't I see it?
174
00:11:15,926 --> 00:11:18,429
My blanket!
My blue blanket!
175
00:11:20,139 --> 00:11:22,099
Give me back
my blue blanket!
176
00:11:23,684 --> 00:11:25,144
Give me my blanket!
177
00:11:25,811 --> 00:11:28,688
Give it to me. Give it to me.
Give me the blanket!
178
00:11:28,689 --> 00:11:30,899
Give it to me.
Give it to me, please.
179
00:11:30,900 --> 00:11:32,942
Give it to me. Give it to me.
Give me the blanket.
180
00:11:32,943 --> 00:11:34,862
Here, here, here, here.
Give it to me.
181
00:11:35,071 --> 00:11:37,740
Don't panic. Don't panic.
Don't panic.
182
00:11:38,407 --> 00:11:41,911
I... I'm sorry.
183
00:11:42,203 --> 00:11:45,413
It's just that I don't like
anyone touching
my blue blanket.
184
00:11:45,414 --> 00:11:48,334
It's not important.
It's a minor compulsion.
185
00:11:48,626 --> 00:11:50,627
I can deal with it
if I want to.
186
00:11:50,628 --> 00:11:52,672
But I've had it
ever since I was a baby
187
00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:54,799
and I find it very comforting.
188
00:11:57,259 --> 00:11:59,470
I need to lie down
for a minute now.
189
00:12:04,600 --> 00:12:06,769
They come here.
They all come here.
190
00:12:07,019 --> 00:12:09,604
How do they find me?
191
00:12:10,898 --> 00:12:11,899
Hey, kid.
192
00:12:12,066 --> 00:12:14,110
Hey. Yoo-hoo!
193
00:12:14,944 --> 00:12:16,278
Look at this.
194
00:12:17,655 --> 00:12:19,489
How can I help you?
195
00:12:19,490 --> 00:12:20,615
What's wrong?
196
00:12:20,616 --> 00:12:22,409
You're gonna jump on me.
What?
197
00:12:22,410 --> 00:12:24,452
You're gonna jump on me.
No.
198
00:12:24,453 --> 00:12:26,621
I know you're gonna
jump on me...
No. Calm down.
199
00:12:26,622 --> 00:12:28,123
and squash me like a bug.
Oh, God.
200
00:12:28,124 --> 00:12:30,083
Please don't jump on me.
201
00:12:30,084 --> 00:12:32,585
I'm not gonna jump on you.
I'm not gonna jump on you.
202
00:12:32,586 --> 00:12:34,421
Get a hold of yourself.
Stop it. Stop it.
203
00:12:35,798 --> 00:12:37,465
Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop!
204
00:12:37,466 --> 00:12:40,468
Don't touch me.
Don't touch me.
205
00:12:40,469 --> 00:12:41,636
What's the matter now?
206
00:12:41,637 --> 00:12:43,722
I'm hysterical.
I'm having hysterics.
207
00:12:43,723 --> 00:12:47,308
I can't stop
when I get like this.
I can't stop. I'm hysterical.
208
00:12:48,686 --> 00:12:50,896
I can see that. All right.
All right.
209
00:12:52,064 --> 00:12:54,315
I'm coming, I'm coming.
Take it easy.
210
00:12:54,316 --> 00:12:57,318
All right. I'm coming.
I'm coming now. All right.
211
00:13:04,493 --> 00:13:07,079
I'm wet. I'm wet.
212
00:13:07,413 --> 00:13:09,498
I'm hysterical and I'm wet.
213
00:13:11,500 --> 00:13:13,043
I'm in pain.
214
00:13:13,502 --> 00:13:15,504
I'm in pain, I'm wet
215
00:13:15,713 --> 00:13:17,339
and I'm still hysterical.
216
00:13:19,175 --> 00:13:21,551
All right, all right.
What can I do?
217
00:13:21,552 --> 00:13:22,969
You're getting
me hysterical.
218
00:13:22,970 --> 00:13:25,513
Well, move away.
You'll frighten me.
You're too close.
219
00:13:25,514 --> 00:13:26,848
I frighten you?
Yes, get over there
220
00:13:26,849 --> 00:13:29,392
and stop touching all this.
Move over there,
get over there
221
00:13:29,393 --> 00:13:31,353
and sit down.
I'm sitting. I'm sitting.
222
00:13:32,271 --> 00:13:33,981
You still look angry.
223
00:13:34,148 --> 00:13:36,275
I'm sorry. How's this?
224
00:13:42,531 --> 00:13:44,366
Who's my little accountant?
225
00:13:45,493 --> 00:13:47,453
Who's my little accountant?
226
00:13:48,579 --> 00:13:51,873
Are you my little accountant?
Are you my little accountant?
227
00:13:51,874 --> 00:13:54,209
I am the man.
Are you my little accountant?
228
00:13:54,210 --> 00:13:55,544
I am.
Yes, you are.
229
00:13:58,047 --> 00:14:00,173
Well, thank you for smiling.
230
00:14:00,174 --> 00:14:01,883
That helped a great deal.
231
00:14:01,884 --> 00:14:03,718
Well, you know
what they say?
232
00:14:03,719 --> 00:14:05,971
"Smile and the world
smiles with you."
233
00:14:06,889 --> 00:14:09,350
This man should be
in a straitjacket.
234
00:14:10,476 --> 00:14:13,478
You feeling better?
Oh, yes, I'm fine now.
Thank you.
235
00:14:13,479 --> 00:14:14,562
Good.
236
00:14:14,563 --> 00:14:15,980
May I speak to you?
237
00:14:15,981 --> 00:14:18,399
Yes, Prince Myshkin.
What can we do for you?
238
00:14:18,400 --> 00:14:21,570
Well, this is hardly the time
for levity, Mr. Bialystock.
239
00:14:21,904 --> 00:14:24,072
I've discovered
a serious error
240
00:14:24,073 --> 00:14:26,032
in the accounts
of your last show,
241
00:14:26,033 --> 00:14:27,826
Funny Boy.
Where? What?
242
00:14:27,827 --> 00:14:31,997
Well, according
to the backers list,
you raised $100,000
243
00:14:32,206 --> 00:14:35,333
but your show
only cost $98,000.
244
00:14:35,334 --> 00:14:37,418
There's $2,000
unaccounted for.
245
00:14:37,419 --> 00:14:41,130
I went to a Turkish bath.
Who cares?
The show was a flop.
246
00:14:41,131 --> 00:14:44,425
Bloom, do me a favor.
Move a few decimal points
around.
247
00:14:44,426 --> 00:14:46,177
You can do it,
you're an accountant.
248
00:14:46,178 --> 00:14:48,179
You're part
of a noble profession.
249
00:14:48,180 --> 00:14:50,473
The word "count"
is part of your title.
250
00:14:50,474 --> 00:14:53,101
That's cheating.
It's not cheating.
251
00:14:53,102 --> 00:14:54,562
It's charity.
252
00:14:55,187 --> 00:14:56,188
Bloom,
253
00:14:57,189 --> 00:14:58,816
you see this stick pin?
254
00:14:59,149 --> 00:15:01,610
This once held a pearl
as big as your eye.
255
00:15:01,861 --> 00:15:05,071
I used to wear
handmade Italian shoes,
256
00:15:05,072 --> 00:15:07,199
$500 suits.
257
00:15:07,366 --> 00:15:09,660
And look at me now.
Look at me now!
258
00:15:09,827 --> 00:15:12,079
I'm wearing
a cardboard belt.
259
00:15:17,209 --> 00:15:20,545
Bloom. You gotta save me.
260
00:15:20,546 --> 00:15:23,924
I'm reaching out to you.
Don't send me to prison.
261
00:15:24,800 --> 00:15:28,470
Help me!
262
00:15:33,058 --> 00:15:34,642
All right. All right.
263
00:15:34,643 --> 00:15:36,519
Okay, I'll do it.
Really?
264
00:15:36,520 --> 00:15:37,854
Yes, I'll do it.
Wow.
265
00:15:37,855 --> 00:15:40,273
Let's see,
$2,000 isn't so much.
266
00:15:40,274 --> 00:15:42,901
I'm sure
I can hide it someplace.
Yeah.
267
00:15:42,902 --> 00:15:46,571
Yeah. After all, the IRS
isn't interested
in a show that flopped.
268
00:15:46,572 --> 00:15:48,532
Right. Good thinking.
269
00:15:48,699 --> 00:15:51,952
You figure it out.
I'm going to take
a little nap.
270
00:15:53,120 --> 00:15:54,621
Well, let's see.
271
00:15:54,622 --> 00:15:57,458
Let's see, if we add up
these deductions we get,
272
00:15:58,125 --> 00:16:00,419
carry the three,
divide by four...
273
00:16:02,630 --> 00:16:03,839
Amazing.
274
00:16:05,382 --> 00:16:07,343
It's absolutely amazing.
275
00:16:08,010 --> 00:16:09,427
But under
the right circumstances,
276
00:16:09,428 --> 00:16:11,764
a producer could make
more money with a flop
277
00:16:12,139 --> 00:16:13,557
than he could with a hit.
278
00:16:14,558 --> 00:16:15,767
Yes, it's quite possible.
279
00:16:15,768 --> 00:16:18,227
If he were certain
that a show would fail,
280
00:16:18,228 --> 00:16:20,272
a man could make
a fortune.
281
00:16:20,940 --> 00:16:22,941
Yes?
Yes, what?
282
00:16:22,942 --> 00:16:24,984
Yes what you were saying.
Keep talking.
283
00:16:24,985 --> 00:16:26,069
What was I saying?
284
00:16:26,070 --> 00:16:27,987
You were saying
that under
the right circumstances,
285
00:16:27,988 --> 00:16:29,489
a producer can make
more money with a flop
286
00:16:29,490 --> 00:16:31,991
than he could with a hit.
Well, yes.
It's quite possible.
287
00:16:31,992 --> 00:16:34,285
You keep saying that,
but you don't say how.
288
00:16:34,286 --> 00:16:37,831
Well, it's simply a matter
of creative accounting.
289
00:16:37,998 --> 00:16:42,168
Let's assume for a moment,
that you are a dishonest man.
290
00:16:42,169 --> 00:16:44,420
Assume away.
All right.
291
00:16:44,421 --> 00:16:47,090
When you produced
your last show, Funny Boy,
292
00:16:47,091 --> 00:16:50,009
you raised $2,000
more than you needed.
293
00:16:50,010 --> 00:16:52,011
But you could have raised
$1 million,
294
00:16:52,012 --> 00:16:55,014
put on your $100,000 flop
and kept the rest.
295
00:16:55,015 --> 00:16:57,976
But what if my show was a hit?
Well,
then you would go to jail.
296
00:16:57,977 --> 00:17:00,687
You see,
rather than 100%
of the show,
297
00:17:00,688 --> 00:17:02,939
you would have sold
more than 1,000%.
298
00:17:02,940 --> 00:17:06,527
So if the show's a success,
there's no way
to pay off the backers.
299
00:17:06,694 --> 00:17:08,486
Get it?
Got it.
300
00:17:08,487 --> 00:17:11,698
So in order for our scheme
to work, we'd have
to find a surefire flop.
301
00:17:11,699 --> 00:17:14,117
Our scheme?
What scheme?
302
00:17:14,118 --> 00:17:16,035
"What scheme?"
303
00:17:16,036 --> 00:17:18,997
Your scheme,
you bloody little genius!
304
00:17:18,998 --> 00:17:20,206
I meant no scheme.
305
00:17:20,207 --> 00:17:22,792
I merely posed
a little academic
accounting theory.
306
00:17:22,793 --> 00:17:24,670
It was just a thought.
Bloom.
307
00:17:25,004 --> 00:17:28,090
Worlds are turned
on such thoughts.
308
00:17:28,424 --> 00:17:32,260
Don't you see, Bloom?
Darling Bloom, glorious Bloom.
309
00:17:32,261 --> 00:17:33,553
It's so simple.
310
00:17:33,554 --> 00:17:36,222
Step one, we find
the worst play ever written.
311
00:17:36,223 --> 00:17:38,433
Step two, we hire
the worst director
in town.
312
00:17:38,434 --> 00:17:41,060
Step three,
I raise $2 million.
313
00:17:41,061 --> 00:17:43,062
Two?
Yes. One for me, one for you.
314
00:17:43,063 --> 00:17:44,897
There's a lot
of little old ladies
out there.
315
00:17:44,898 --> 00:17:48,401
Step four, we hire
the worst actors in New York
and open on Broadway.
316
00:17:48,402 --> 00:17:51,404
And before you can say
"step five,"
we close on Broadway,
317
00:17:51,405 --> 00:17:54,490
take our $2 million,
and go to Rio.
318
00:17:54,491 --> 00:17:57,285
Rio? Oh, no,
that would never work.
319
00:17:57,286 --> 00:17:59,955
Oh, ye of little faith
320
00:18:01,498 --> 00:18:04,793
What did Lewis say to Clark
when everything looked bleak
321
00:18:05,419 --> 00:18:07,253
What did Sir Edmund
say to Tenzing
322
00:18:07,254 --> 00:18:09,548
As they struggled
toward Everest's peak
323
00:18:10,299 --> 00:18:12,216
What did Washington
say to his troops
324
00:18:12,217 --> 00:18:14,510
As they crossed
the Delaware
325
00:18:14,511 --> 00:18:18,431
I'm sure you're well aware
326
00:18:18,432 --> 00:18:19,849
What did they say?
327
00:18:19,850 --> 00:18:25,354
We can do it
328
00:18:25,355 --> 00:18:29,026
We can do it,
me and you
329
00:18:29,526 --> 00:18:33,571
We can do it
330
00:18:33,572 --> 00:18:37,116
We can make
our dreams come true
331
00:18:37,117 --> 00:18:40,119
Everything
you've ever wanted
332
00:18:40,120 --> 00:18:43,332
Is just waiting to be had
333
00:18:43,707 --> 00:18:47,335
Beautiful girls
wearing nothing but pearls
334
00:18:47,336 --> 00:18:50,296
Caressing you,
undressing you
and driving you mad
335
00:18:50,297 --> 00:18:51,381
No.
336
00:18:52,800 --> 00:18:53,883
Bloom.
337
00:18:53,884 --> 00:18:56,385
Bloom, wait a minute now.
Hear me out.
338
00:18:56,386 --> 00:18:58,222
Just think about it.
339
00:19:12,653 --> 00:19:15,321
We can do it, we can do it
340
00:19:15,322 --> 00:19:18,658
This is not the time
to shirk
341
00:19:18,659 --> 00:19:21,578
We can do it,
you won't rue it
342
00:19:22,037 --> 00:19:24,957
Say goodbye
to petty clerk
343
00:19:25,207 --> 00:19:28,543
Hi, producer!
Yes, producer
344
00:19:28,544 --> 00:19:32,130
I mean you, sir,
go berserk
345
00:19:32,131 --> 00:19:35,050
We can do it,
we can do it
346
00:19:35,467 --> 00:19:40,054
And I know it's gonna work
347
00:19:40,055 --> 00:19:41,765
What do you say, Bloom?
348
00:19:42,349 --> 00:19:44,183
What do I say?
349
00:19:44,184 --> 00:19:47,521
Finally a chance
to be a Broadway producer
350
00:19:47,855 --> 00:19:49,272
What do I say?
351
00:19:49,273 --> 00:19:52,608
Finally a chance
to make my dreams
come true, sir
352
00:19:52,609 --> 00:19:55,778
What do I say?
What do I say?
353
00:19:55,779 --> 00:19:59,700
Here's what I say
to you, sir
354
00:20:00,659 --> 00:20:04,453
I can't do it,
I can't do it
355
00:20:04,454 --> 00:20:07,915
I can't do it,
that's not me
356
00:20:07,916 --> 00:20:11,335
I'm a loser, I'm a coward
357
00:20:11,336 --> 00:20:14,672
I'm a chicken,
don't you see?
358
00:20:14,673 --> 00:20:17,550
When it
comes to wooing women
359
00:20:17,551 --> 00:20:20,720
There's a few things
that I lack
360
00:20:20,721 --> 00:20:24,724
Beautiful girls
wearing nothing but pearls
361
00:20:24,725 --> 00:20:27,935
Chasing me, embracing me
I'd have an attack
362
00:20:27,936 --> 00:20:31,814
Why you miserable, cowardly,
wretched, little caterpillar!
363
00:20:34,401 --> 00:20:36,611
Don't you ever want
to become a butterfly?
364
00:20:36,612 --> 00:20:40,573
Don't you want to spread
your wings and flap
your way to glory?
365
00:20:40,574 --> 00:20:41,700
No.
366
00:20:46,413 --> 00:20:48,414
Where to?
Central Park.
367
00:20:48,415 --> 00:20:50,459
Gotta breathe.
Gotta breathe.
368
00:20:57,716 --> 00:21:00,134
We can do it, we can do it
Mr. Bialystock,
stop this song
369
00:21:00,135 --> 00:21:03,179
We can grab that Holy Grail
You got me wrong, I say,
"So long"
370
00:21:03,180 --> 00:21:04,597
I'm not as strong a person
as you think
371
00:21:04,598 --> 00:21:07,099
We can do it. We can do it
Mr. Bialystock,
just take a look
372
00:21:07,100 --> 00:21:09,268
I'm not a crook,
I'm just a schnook
Drink champagne
373
00:21:09,269 --> 00:21:11,270
The bottom line
is that I stink
Not ginger ale
374
00:21:11,271 --> 00:21:13,857
Come on, Leo,
can't you see, oh?
I can't do it
375
00:21:14,107 --> 00:21:17,735
You see Rio, I see jail
376
00:21:17,736 --> 00:21:19,112
Driver, stop!
377
00:21:22,282 --> 00:21:23,283
Here.
378
00:21:30,040 --> 00:21:31,624
We can do it
379
00:21:31,625 --> 00:21:33,125
I can't do it
380
00:21:33,126 --> 00:21:34,585
We can do it
381
00:21:34,586 --> 00:21:36,087
I can't do it
382
00:21:36,088 --> 00:21:39,298
We can do it
I can't do it
383
00:21:39,299 --> 00:21:42,635
We can
I cannot, cannot,
cannot do it
384
00:21:42,636 --> 00:21:47,474
'Cause I know
it's gonna fail
385
00:21:48,934 --> 00:21:52,395
Fail? How can it miss?
All you need
is a little courage.
386
00:21:52,396 --> 00:21:56,023
Bloom, do you know
what you are? You're
like a... You're like a...
387
00:21:57,192 --> 00:22:01,570
You're like a fountain
waiting to explode
and shoot into the sky.
388
00:22:01,571 --> 00:22:04,156
I'm a fountain?
Yes, you're a fountain.
389
00:22:04,157 --> 00:22:05,491
Don't you realize
390
00:22:05,492 --> 00:22:08,161
there's a lot more to you
than there is to you?
391
00:22:09,079 --> 00:22:13,416
Mr. Bialystock,
I'm afraid you've made
a terrible error in judgment.
392
00:22:13,417 --> 00:22:16,003
You've mistaken me
for someone with a spine.
393
00:22:16,169 --> 00:22:18,671
I'm going back
to Whitehall & Marks now.
394
00:22:18,672 --> 00:22:20,006
No.
Goodbye forever.
395
00:22:20,007 --> 00:22:22,341
Bloom. Bloom, wait a minute.
Bloom.
396
00:22:22,342 --> 00:22:25,511
Think about it.
You'll never get a cab
at this hour.
397
00:22:25,512 --> 00:22:26,680
Bloom.
398
00:22:32,311 --> 00:22:34,855
Oh, Lord. Dear Lord.
399
00:22:36,315 --> 00:22:38,692
I want that money.
400
00:23:01,548 --> 00:23:04,717
Unhappy, unhappy
401
00:23:04,718 --> 00:23:08,179
Very unhappy
402
00:23:08,180 --> 00:23:11,557
Unhappy, unhappy
403
00:23:11,558 --> 00:23:15,812
Very, very, very, very
very, very, very unhappy
404
00:23:18,231 --> 00:23:19,274
Bloom.
405
00:23:25,113 --> 00:23:26,697
Where the hell
have you been?
406
00:23:26,698 --> 00:23:28,282
You are six minutes late.
407
00:23:28,283 --> 00:23:30,993
This is an accounting firm,
not a country club.
408
00:23:30,994 --> 00:23:32,912
You can't come
and go as you please.
409
00:23:32,913 --> 00:23:34,163
Yes, Mr. Marks.
410
00:23:34,164 --> 00:23:37,208
Remember, you're a nobody.
411
00:23:37,209 --> 00:23:41,337
A PA, a public accountant.
412
00:23:41,338 --> 00:23:45,467
And I am a CPA,
a certified
public accountant.
413
00:23:47,761 --> 00:23:50,721
A rank a miserable
little worm
like yourself
414
00:23:50,722 --> 00:23:53,307
could never hope to achieve.
Yes, Mr. Marks.
415
00:23:53,308 --> 00:23:56,061
Thank you for speaking to me.
You're welcome.
416
00:23:56,478 --> 00:23:58,355
What are you gawking at?
417
00:23:58,647 --> 00:24:01,148
You never saw
a person
humiliated before?
418
00:24:01,149 --> 00:24:04,069
Now get back to work.
All of you.
419
00:24:05,404 --> 00:24:08,447
Unhappy, unhappy
420
00:24:08,448 --> 00:24:13,286
Very, very, very, very
very, very, very unhappy
421
00:24:13,495 --> 00:24:14,496
Boo!
422
00:24:21,837 --> 00:24:24,672
I spend my life accounting
423
00:24:24,673 --> 00:24:27,466
With figures and such
424
00:24:27,467 --> 00:24:28,551
Unhappy
425
00:24:28,552 --> 00:24:31,512
To what is
my life amounting
426
00:24:31,513 --> 00:24:34,014
It figures not much
427
00:24:34,015 --> 00:24:35,307
Unhappy
428
00:24:35,308 --> 00:24:38,270
I have a secret desire
429
00:24:38,520 --> 00:24:41,523
Hiding deep in my soul
430
00:24:41,857 --> 00:24:45,109
It sets my heart afire
431
00:24:45,110 --> 00:24:46,610
To see me
432
00:24:46,611 --> 00:24:51,032
In this role
433
00:24:59,082 --> 00:25:02,251
I wanna be a producer
434
00:25:02,252 --> 00:25:06,130
With a hit show
on Broadway
435
00:25:06,131 --> 00:25:09,091
I wanna be a producer
436
00:25:09,092 --> 00:25:12,762
Lunch at Sardi's every day
437
00:25:13,096 --> 00:25:15,890
I wanna be a producer
438
00:25:15,891 --> 00:25:19,810
Sport a top hat and a cane
439
00:25:19,811 --> 00:25:22,897
I wanna be a producer
440
00:25:22,898 --> 00:25:26,109
And drive those
chorus girls insane
441
00:25:45,587 --> 00:25:48,756
I wanna be a producer
442
00:25:48,757 --> 00:25:52,593
And sleep
until half past two
443
00:25:52,594 --> 00:25:55,304
I wanna be a producer
444
00:25:55,305 --> 00:26:00,268
And see you, you, you
Not you
445
00:26:03,355 --> 00:26:06,357
I wanna be a producer
446
00:26:06,358 --> 00:26:10,779
Wear a tux
on opening night
447
00:26:15,283 --> 00:26:18,285
I wanna be a producer
448
00:26:18,286 --> 00:26:21,122
And see my name
"Leo Bloom" in lights
449
00:27:26,855 --> 00:27:29,982
He wants to be a producer
450
00:27:29,983 --> 00:27:33,153
Of a great
big Broadway smash
451
00:27:33,862 --> 00:27:37,156
He wants to be a producer
452
00:27:37,157 --> 00:27:40,493
Every pocket stuffed
with cash
453
00:27:41,286 --> 00:27:44,371
He wants to be a producer
454
00:27:44,372 --> 00:27:46,874
Pinch our cheeks
till we cry
455
00:27:48,209 --> 00:27:49,878
Oh, yes!
456
00:27:50,545 --> 00:27:53,339
He wants to be a producer
457
00:27:53,340 --> 00:27:56,051
With a great big
casting couch
458
00:28:34,923 --> 00:28:38,258
I wanna be
He wants to be
459
00:28:38,259 --> 00:28:41,929
I wanna be the greatest,
grandest and most fabulous
producer
460
00:28:41,930 --> 00:28:45,392
In the world
461
00:28:46,101 --> 00:28:49,354
He wants to dine
with a duchess and a duke
462
00:28:50,647 --> 00:28:53,607
I just got to be
a producer
463
00:28:53,608 --> 00:28:56,235
Drink champagne
until I puke
464
00:28:56,236 --> 00:28:58,070
Drink champagne
till he pukes!
465
00:28:58,071 --> 00:29:00,322
I wanna be a producer
466
00:29:00,323 --> 00:29:03,326
Show the world
just what I got
467
00:29:03,952 --> 00:29:06,120
I'm gonna put on shows
468
00:29:06,121 --> 00:29:08,122
That will enthrall them
469
00:29:08,123 --> 00:29:11,042
Read my name
in Winchell's column
470
00:29:11,543 --> 00:29:15,296
I wanna be a producer
471
00:29:25,807 --> 00:29:30,602
'Cause it's everything
I'm not
472
00:29:30,603 --> 00:29:33,814
Unhappy, unhappy
473
00:29:33,815 --> 00:29:36,608
I wanna be a producer
474
00:29:36,609 --> 00:29:39,027
Very, very unhappy
475
00:29:39,028 --> 00:29:41,113
Unhappy
476
00:29:41,114 --> 00:29:43,700
I wanna be a producer
477
00:29:43,867 --> 00:29:45,993
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Very, very unhappy
478
00:29:45,994 --> 00:29:48,621
Hold everything.
Hold everything.
Unhappy
479
00:29:49,080 --> 00:29:50,789
What am I doing here?
480
00:29:50,790 --> 00:29:52,792
Mr. Bialystock was right.
481
00:29:53,042 --> 00:29:55,670
There is a lot more to me
than there is to me.
482
00:29:56,171 --> 00:29:59,882
Stop the world,
I wanna get on.
483
00:30:02,427 --> 00:30:04,679
What the hell is
going on in here?
484
00:30:05,138 --> 00:30:09,309
Do I smell
the revolting stench
of self-esteem?
485
00:30:10,185 --> 00:30:12,771
Bloom, where do you think
you're going?
486
00:30:13,146 --> 00:30:15,273
You've already had
your toilet break!
487
00:30:16,858 --> 00:30:18,777
I'm not going
into the toilet.
488
00:30:18,943 --> 00:30:21,154
I'm going
into show business.
489
00:30:21,821 --> 00:30:24,656
And Mr. Marks,
I have news for you. I quit!
490
00:30:25,742 --> 00:30:28,327
And you're right about
one thing. You are a CPA,
491
00:30:28,328 --> 00:30:31,538
- a certified public asshole.
- Hurray!
492
00:30:31,539 --> 00:30:33,165
Here's my visor,
493
00:30:33,166 --> 00:30:36,084
my Dixon Ticonderoga
No. 2 pencil
494
00:30:36,085 --> 00:30:38,505
and my big finish.
495
00:30:39,297 --> 00:30:42,674
I'm gonna be a producer
496
00:30:42,675 --> 00:30:45,010
He's gonna be a producer
497
00:30:45,011 --> 00:30:47,972
Look out Broadway
498
00:30:48,306 --> 00:30:53,144
For here I come
499
00:31:08,910 --> 00:31:12,705
Mr. Bialystock,
Mr. Bialystock, I'm back!
500
00:31:13,039 --> 00:31:15,083
I'm back.
I've changed my mind.
501
00:31:16,084 --> 00:31:18,503
Boy, you are good.
502
00:31:18,920 --> 00:31:21,880
Who are you talking to?
Never mind,
just an old friend.
503
00:31:23,508 --> 00:31:25,843
What happened?
Just this. Just this.
504
00:31:25,844 --> 00:31:29,179
When I said that I was scared
that I was going
to go to jail,
505
00:31:29,180 --> 00:31:33,100
I didn't realize
that I already was in jail.
506
00:31:33,101 --> 00:31:36,186
I've spent my life
counting other people's money.
507
00:31:36,187 --> 00:31:39,649
People I'm smarter than.
Better than.
508
00:31:39,941 --> 00:31:43,569
When's Leopold Bloom
going to get his share?
509
00:31:43,570 --> 00:31:45,572
When is it going to be
Bloom's Day?
510
00:31:45,989 --> 00:31:48,074
I want...
I want...
511
00:31:50,618 --> 00:31:54,621
I want everything
I've ever seen in the movies.
512
00:31:56,249 --> 00:31:59,918
And Leo, you're gonna
have it 'cause...
513
00:31:59,919 --> 00:32:04,214
We can do it, we can do it
I'm gonna be a producer
514
00:32:04,215 --> 00:32:07,593
Say goodbye
to woe and gloom
515
00:32:07,594 --> 00:32:10,804
With the millions
and the zillions
I'm gonna be a producer
516
00:32:10,805 --> 00:32:14,099
Up together we will zoom
517
00:32:14,100 --> 00:32:17,352
We can do it, we can do it
518
00:32:17,353 --> 00:32:20,814
Every show I touch,
I doom
519
00:32:20,815 --> 00:32:24,234
We were fated to be mated
520
00:32:24,235 --> 00:32:29,073
We're Bialystock
and Bloom
521
00:32:46,174 --> 00:32:49,217
Max. Oh, Max,
let's give up.
522
00:32:49,218 --> 00:32:50,929
I can't read anymore.
523
00:32:51,304 --> 00:32:53,680
How many plays
can a person read?
524
00:32:53,681 --> 00:32:56,683
Stop complaining.
We have to find
the worst play ever written.
525
00:32:56,684 --> 00:32:58,894
I've been reading all night.
Who cares?
526
00:32:58,895 --> 00:33:01,731
You wanna be a producer,
read, read, keep reading.
527
00:33:04,692 --> 00:33:07,946
Here's one. Act 1, Scene 1.
528
00:33:08,279 --> 00:33:10,697
"Gregor Samsa
awoke one morning
529
00:33:10,698 --> 00:33:14,869
"to discover that he had been
transformed into
a giant cockroach."
530
00:33:16,746 --> 00:33:18,039
Nah, too good.
531
00:33:22,126 --> 00:33:26,130
"But how could you see me?
The glass was frosted..."
532
00:33:26,673 --> 00:33:30,258
Wait a minute. Wait a minute,
I've read this before.
533
00:33:30,259 --> 00:33:34,138
I think I've read this one.
What's it called,
what's it called?
534
00:33:34,597 --> 00:33:36,515
"The Frosted Glass."
535
00:33:36,516 --> 00:33:39,017
Max, I'm reading plays
that I read last night, Max.
536
00:33:39,018 --> 00:33:41,728
I can't go on anymore.
It's too much.
537
00:33:41,729 --> 00:33:44,649
Let's face it,
we'll never find it.
538
00:33:53,324 --> 00:33:56,576
We'll never find it?
We'll never find it, huh?
539
00:33:56,577 --> 00:33:59,788
We'll never find it, huh?
We'll never find it, huh?
540
00:33:59,789 --> 00:34:02,249
Leo, Leo, see it?
541
00:34:02,250 --> 00:34:05,545
Smell it, touch it, kiss it.
Kiss it!
542
00:34:06,254 --> 00:34:07,879
It's the mother lode.
543
00:34:07,880 --> 00:34:09,506
What is it?
You found a flop?
544
00:34:09,507 --> 00:34:11,759
"A flop."
That's putting it mildly.
545
00:34:12,010 --> 00:34:15,012
This is a catastrophe.
A disaster.
546
00:34:15,013 --> 00:34:18,598
Certain to offend peoples
of all races, creeds
and religions.
547
00:34:18,599 --> 00:34:22,102
A guaranteed-
to-close-in-one-night beauty.
548
00:34:22,103 --> 00:34:23,938
Well, let's see it.
Yeah.
549
00:34:27,775 --> 00:34:29,736
"Springtime for Hitler."
550
00:34:29,986 --> 00:34:34,240
"A gay romp with Eva
and Adolf at Berchtesgaden."
551
00:34:36,242 --> 00:34:37,577
Oh, my God.
552
00:34:39,120 --> 00:34:40,620
"Oh, my God" is right.
553
00:34:40,621 --> 00:34:43,124
It's practically
a love letter to Hitler.
554
00:34:43,583 --> 00:34:47,586
Max, this won't run a week.
A week? Are you kidding?
555
00:34:47,587 --> 00:34:51,339
This play has got
to close on page 4.
556
00:34:51,340 --> 00:34:53,175
What's the author's name
again?
557
00:34:53,176 --> 00:34:57,471
Franz Liebkind,
61 Jane Street,
New York, New York.
558
00:34:57,472 --> 00:35:00,932
Franz Liebkind,
61 Jane Street.
559
00:35:00,933 --> 00:35:05,479
Let's go.
We'll get the Broadway rights
to Springtime for Hitler
560
00:35:05,480 --> 00:35:07,940
even if we have to go
as far as to pay him.
561
00:35:08,483 --> 00:35:09,816
Come on.
562
00:35:09,817 --> 00:35:13,153
This other hat, Max,
may I wear it?
563
00:35:13,154 --> 00:35:15,031
No, you may not.
Why?
564
00:35:15,364 --> 00:35:19,285
Because, that is
a Broadway producer's hat.
565
00:35:19,827 --> 00:35:22,537
And you don't get to wear
a Broadway
producer's hat, son,
566
00:35:22,538 --> 00:35:24,665
until you're
a Broadway producer.
567
00:35:24,999 --> 00:35:27,000
And you're not
a Broadway producer,
until you...
568
00:35:27,001 --> 00:35:30,587
I know, I know.
Until I've produced
a show on Broadway.
569
00:35:30,588 --> 00:35:34,217
But, I'm going to wear
that hat, and soon,
too, 'cause...
570
00:35:34,467 --> 00:35:37,844
We're gonna be
the producers
571
00:35:37,845 --> 00:35:41,516
Of a great big
Broadway flop
572
00:35:51,234 --> 00:35:54,403
Ja, ja, my lieblings.
573
00:35:55,696 --> 00:35:57,031
Let me grab you, ja.
574
00:35:57,782 --> 00:35:59,825
We have work to do.
575
00:35:59,826 --> 00:36:01,535
Hilda, my darling,
576
00:36:01,536 --> 00:36:04,246
here, I have written
an important message
577
00:36:04,247 --> 00:36:07,792
which must reach
Ernst Schlongdorf,
578
00:36:08,334 --> 00:36:12,338
29 West Santiago Boulevard,
579
00:36:12,547 --> 00:36:15,173
Buenos Aires, Argentina.
580
00:36:15,174 --> 00:36:19,261
AQAP. As quick as possible!
581
00:36:22,390 --> 00:36:25,226
Fly, Hilda, fly.
582
00:36:26,435 --> 00:36:28,770
Hilda, where are you going?
583
00:36:28,771 --> 00:36:31,232
Argentina is that way.
584
00:36:32,316 --> 00:36:34,152
Okay, chow time.
585
00:36:40,116 --> 00:36:42,868
Yummy, yummy, yummy,
goes right into your belly.
586
00:36:42,869 --> 00:36:45,912
It's just a hunch,
but I'm betting
this is our man.
587
00:36:45,913 --> 00:36:50,584
Max, he's wearing
a German helmet
and lederhosen.
588
00:36:50,585 --> 00:36:53,628
Yeah, I know. Don't notice.
Don't notice anything.
589
00:36:53,629 --> 00:36:56,716
Always look straight ahead.
Remember, we need that play.
590
00:36:58,718 --> 00:36:59,927
Franz Liebkind?
591
00:37:01,220 --> 00:37:04,306
I was never a member
of the Nazi party.
592
00:37:04,307 --> 00:37:08,269
I only followed orders.
I had nothing to do
with the war.
593
00:37:08,686 --> 00:37:10,813
I didn't even know
there was a war on.
594
00:37:11,564 --> 00:37:14,942
We lived in the back,
right across from Switzerland.
595
00:37:15,276 --> 00:37:17,445
All we ever heard
was yodeling.
596
00:37:24,785 --> 00:37:26,286
Who are you?
597
00:37:26,287 --> 00:37:29,289
Relax, Mr. Liebkind.
We're not from the government.
598
00:37:29,290 --> 00:37:31,833
We're producers,
Bialystock and Bloom,
599
00:37:31,834 --> 00:37:33,293
here to talk to you
about your play.
600
00:37:33,294 --> 00:37:34,669
- My play?
- Mmm-hmm.
601
00:37:34,670 --> 00:37:36,797
You mean,
Springtime for...
602
00:37:37,715 --> 00:37:39,090
You-know-who?
603
00:37:39,091 --> 00:37:41,801
That's the one.
What about it?
604
00:37:41,802 --> 00:37:43,637
We love it.
Don't we love it?
We love it.
605
00:37:43,638 --> 00:37:47,140
We think it's a masterpiece.
We want to put it on Broadway.
606
00:37:47,141 --> 00:37:48,184
Broadway?
607
00:37:48,351 --> 00:37:50,186
Oh, joy of joys.
608
00:37:50,561 --> 00:37:53,480
Dream of dreams.
I can't believe it.
609
00:37:53,481 --> 00:37:55,566
I must tell my birds.
Tell your birds.
610
00:37:56,192 --> 00:37:59,862
Otto, Bertha,
Heinz, Heidi, Wolfgang...
611
00:38:00,196 --> 00:38:01,572
Adolf.
612
00:38:02,531 --> 00:38:03,908
Do you hear?
613
00:38:04,242 --> 00:38:08,036
We are finally going
to clear the Fuehrer's name.
614
00:38:09,538 --> 00:38:11,040
Broadway!
615
00:38:12,166 --> 00:38:14,960
You know,
not many people know this
616
00:38:14,961 --> 00:38:18,046
but the Fuehrer
was a terrific dancer.
617
00:38:18,047 --> 00:38:21,841
Really? Gee,
we didn't know that,
did we, Leo?
618
00:38:21,842 --> 00:38:23,009
No, no, we sure didn't.
619
00:38:23,010 --> 00:38:26,305
That is because you were
taken in by the BBC.
620
00:38:26,931 --> 00:38:29,725
Filthy, British lies.
621
00:38:30,184 --> 00:38:34,272
But did they ever say
a bad word
about Winston Churchill?
622
00:38:34,855 --> 00:38:36,649
Churchill.
623
00:38:38,067 --> 00:38:40,902
With his cigars,
with his brandy
624
00:38:40,903 --> 00:38:44,031
and his rotten paintings.
Rotten.
625
00:38:44,615 --> 00:38:47,493
Hitler, there was
a painter.
626
00:38:47,910 --> 00:38:52,039
He could paint
an entire apartment
in one afternoon. Two coats.
627
00:38:53,124 --> 00:38:55,333
Yes, yes.
628
00:38:55,334 --> 00:38:58,503
Yes, of course he could,
Mr. Liebkind,
629
00:38:58,504 --> 00:39:01,089
and that is exactly why
we want to produce your play.
630
00:39:01,090 --> 00:39:04,509
Show the world
the true Hitler,
the Hitler you loved.
631
00:39:04,510 --> 00:39:08,471
The Hitler you knew,
the Hitler with a song
in his heart.
632
00:39:08,472 --> 00:39:11,599
Here, Franz Liebkind,
sign here
633
00:39:11,600 --> 00:39:13,643
and make
your dream a reality.
634
00:39:13,644 --> 00:39:15,103
Nein.
Nein?
635
00:39:15,104 --> 00:39:16,731
No.
That's what "nein" means.
636
00:39:17,315 --> 00:39:20,943
First, you must prove
to me that you believe
as I believe
637
00:39:21,485 --> 00:39:24,612
by joining with me
and singing and dancing
638
00:39:24,613 --> 00:39:28,116
the Fuehrer's favorite tune,
"Der Guten Tag Hop-Clop."
639
00:39:29,201 --> 00:39:30,618
I know.
640
00:39:30,619 --> 00:39:33,621
Der Guten Tag Hop-Clop?
Der Guten Tag Hop-Clop.
641
00:39:33,622 --> 00:39:35,457
Oh, no, I could never sing
the Fuehrer's favorite...
642
00:39:35,458 --> 00:39:37,459
Delighted, delighted.
Song.
643
00:39:37,460 --> 00:39:39,462
Shut up, he's almost ready
to sign.
644
00:39:39,670 --> 00:39:42,714
All right, first you will
roll up your pants.
645
00:39:46,010 --> 00:39:48,094
Rolling, rolling.
Rolling, rolling.
646
00:39:48,095 --> 00:39:50,013
Come on, don't be
stingy, show some leg.
647
00:39:50,014 --> 00:39:51,890
Alrighty, good.
Good.
648
00:39:51,891 --> 00:39:53,684
Key of E?
Is there any other?
649
00:39:58,314 --> 00:40:00,148
Guten Tag hop hop
650
00:40:00,149 --> 00:40:01,984
Guten Tag clop clop
651
00:40:02,401 --> 00:40:04,820
Ach du lieber
Und oh boy!
652
00:40:05,780 --> 00:40:07,655
Guten Tag clap clap
653
00:40:07,656 --> 00:40:09,657
Guten Tag slap slap
654
00:40:09,658 --> 00:40:12,410
Ach du lieber
What a joy!
655
00:40:12,411 --> 00:40:17,040
Oh, wir essen und fressen
Und tanzen und trinken
656
00:40:17,041 --> 00:40:20,794
Tanzen und trinken
Until we get stinking
657
00:40:20,795 --> 00:40:21,878
Everybody.
658
00:40:21,879 --> 00:40:23,671
Guten Tag hop hop
659
00:40:23,672 --> 00:40:25,673
Guten Tag clop clop
660
00:40:25,674 --> 00:40:28,386
Guten Tag,
mein lieber Schatz
661
00:40:29,178 --> 00:40:31,179
So we hop our hops
662
00:40:31,180 --> 00:40:33,181
Und we clop our clops
663
00:40:33,182 --> 00:40:36,560
Und we drink our Schnapps
Till we platz
664
00:40:37,728 --> 00:40:39,313
You will sway
665
00:40:40,898 --> 00:40:43,067
We will sway
666
00:40:51,409 --> 00:40:52,785
Follow me.
667
00:40:53,244 --> 00:40:54,328
Very good.
668
00:41:10,386 --> 00:41:13,055
Handschlagspiel.
Whatever you say.
669
00:41:14,557 --> 00:41:17,059
This is a tricky one
670
00:41:32,575 --> 00:41:36,579
Oh, the hop-clop.
It's been so long.
671
00:41:41,083 --> 00:41:43,794
Sort of a Nazi hoedown.
672
00:41:51,093 --> 00:41:54,013
Gentlemen, you may produce
my play.
673
00:41:55,347 --> 00:41:58,392
Excellent, excellent.
Here we are. Here.
674
00:42:00,019 --> 00:42:03,521
But only if you take
the Siegfried Oath.
675
00:42:03,522 --> 00:42:05,857
The Siegfried Oath?
What's that?
676
00:42:05,858 --> 00:42:09,277
The pledge
of eternal allegiance
to our beloved Fuehrer.
677
00:42:09,278 --> 00:42:10,653
Never
678
00:42:10,654 --> 00:42:12,823
took that oath before.
Good.
679
00:42:13,032 --> 00:42:16,826
One for me, one for you,
and one for you.
680
00:42:16,827 --> 00:42:19,162
Never had one
of those on before.
681
00:42:19,163 --> 00:42:21,122
Thanks very much.
You're welcome.
682
00:42:21,123 --> 00:42:22,541
Nice colors.
683
00:42:23,417 --> 00:42:24,792
Look, reversible.
684
00:42:24,793 --> 00:42:26,879
Oh, yeah, you're right.
Max.
685
00:42:27,379 --> 00:42:29,964
Max, we never
should have started this.
686
00:42:29,965 --> 00:42:32,259
I think we're getting in
too deep.
687
00:42:32,426 --> 00:42:34,677
Too deep? This is nothing.
688
00:42:34,678 --> 00:42:37,139
I'll tell you
when we're getting in
too deep.
689
00:42:37,723 --> 00:42:39,265
All right.
690
00:42:39,266 --> 00:42:43,812
First, you raise
your right forefinger
und repeat after me.
691
00:42:44,146 --> 00:42:46,982
I solemnly swear...
692
00:42:47,483 --> 00:42:50,777
I solemnly swear.
693
00:42:50,778 --> 00:42:53,822
To obey
the sacred Siegfried Oath.
694
00:42:54,198 --> 00:42:57,368
To obey the sacred
Siegfried Oath.
695
00:42:57,868 --> 00:42:58,993
Und...
696
00:42:58,994 --> 00:43:01,121
Und...
Und.
697
00:43:01,497 --> 00:43:06,001
Never, never, never...
Never, never, never.
698
00:43:09,171 --> 00:43:12,298
Dishonor the spirit
und the memory
699
00:43:12,299 --> 00:43:14,760
of Adolf Elizabeth Hitler.
700
00:43:15,219 --> 00:43:17,972
Dishonor the spirit
and the...
701
00:43:18,514 --> 00:43:20,015
Elizabeth?
702
00:43:20,266 --> 00:43:23,185
Ja, that was
his middle name.
703
00:43:24,061 --> 00:43:26,104
Not many people know this
704
00:43:26,105 --> 00:43:30,734
but the Fuehrer was descended
from a long line
of English queens.
705
00:43:36,824 --> 00:43:38,200
Is that right?
706
00:43:39,994 --> 00:43:41,078
Yes.
707
00:43:42,246 --> 00:43:44,373
Adolf Elizabeth Hitler.
708
00:43:44,748 --> 00:43:47,041
Good, now I sign
your contract.
709
00:43:47,042 --> 00:43:49,919
Excellent, excellent.
Oh, here we are.
710
00:43:49,920 --> 00:43:52,089
Right here
on the dotted line.
711
00:43:52,506 --> 00:43:54,674
There you are.
You shall never regret this.
712
00:43:54,675 --> 00:43:57,511
So, thank you, Herr Liebkind.
Alrighty then.
713
00:43:57,761 --> 00:44:00,556
Thank you.
Very good.
714
00:44:02,933 --> 00:44:04,852
Let it go, let it go.
715
00:44:05,019 --> 00:44:06,228
Halt!
716
00:44:06,979 --> 00:44:08,564
I forgot to tell you.
717
00:44:10,608 --> 00:44:13,736
The penalty for breaking
the Siegfried Oath
718
00:44:14,236 --> 00:44:15,821
is death.
719
00:44:16,780 --> 00:44:20,034
Dess? Is that anything
like death?
720
00:44:20,826 --> 00:44:22,077
Yes.
721
00:44:24,371 --> 00:44:25,538
Sorry to hear that.
722
00:44:25,539 --> 00:44:29,126
Don't worry. We'll iron out
all these thorny details
over strudel.
723
00:44:29,627 --> 00:44:31,962
Ta-ta, big guy.
Here we go.
724
00:44:35,507 --> 00:44:37,760
We're trapped, trapped.
725
00:44:39,094 --> 00:44:41,639
Got it. Let's have lunch.
726
00:44:45,726 --> 00:44:47,645
What nice guys.
727
00:44:48,187 --> 00:44:49,438
Broadway.
728
00:44:49,980 --> 00:44:52,816
I haven't been so happy
since we crushed Poland.
729
00:44:57,363 --> 00:45:00,573
Hello, the living room
of renowned
theatrical director,
730
00:45:00,574 --> 00:45:03,743
Roger De Bris' elegant
upper-east side town house
731
00:45:03,744 --> 00:45:06,455
on a sunny,
Tuesday afternoon in June.
732
00:45:07,164 --> 00:45:08,832
Who may I say is calling?
733
00:45:10,334 --> 00:45:12,585
Listen, you broken-down
old queen,
734
00:45:12,586 --> 00:45:15,004
he was drunk, he was hot,
you got lucky.
735
00:45:15,005 --> 00:45:16,673
Don't ever call here again.
736
00:45:16,674 --> 00:45:18,841
- Who was that?
- Wrong number.
737
00:45:28,852 --> 00:45:30,937
Yes?
738
00:45:56,714 --> 00:45:59,215
Well, hi, there.
739
00:45:59,216 --> 00:46:00,800
I am Max Bialystock
740
00:46:00,801 --> 00:46:02,885
and this is my associate
Mr. Bloom.
741
00:46:02,886 --> 00:46:04,053
We have an appointment
742
00:46:04,054 --> 00:46:06,472
with renowned
theatrical director
Roger De Bris.
743
00:46:06,473 --> 00:46:09,183
Yes, yes, please come in.
Please.
744
00:46:09,184 --> 00:46:10,602
- Thank you.
- Yes.
745
00:46:21,405 --> 00:46:23,490
I am Carmen Ghia.
746
00:46:24,032 --> 00:46:26,702
Mr. De Bris'
common-law assistant.
747
00:46:27,536 --> 00:46:28,787
You are expected.
748
00:46:35,711 --> 00:46:39,923
May I take your hat,
your coat and your swastikas?
749
00:46:41,884 --> 00:46:43,260
Oh, these...
750
00:46:44,511 --> 00:46:47,681
We just came
from this big rally.
Everybody was wearing them.
751
00:46:50,142 --> 00:46:51,893
Why didn't you tell me
we still had those on?
752
00:46:51,894 --> 00:46:54,312
I didn't notice them.
You told me to look
straight ahead,
753
00:46:54,313 --> 00:46:56,982
you remember that?
All right,
let's not fight, okay?
754
00:47:02,362 --> 00:47:04,156
Oh, Roger...
755
00:47:04,990 --> 00:47:07,367
We're not alone.
756
00:47:19,379 --> 00:47:22,549
Here's Roger.
757
00:47:27,554 --> 00:47:30,556
Max, he's wearing a dress.
758
00:47:30,557 --> 00:47:31,809
No kidding.
759
00:47:32,184 --> 00:47:33,976
Oh, Roger,
good to see you again.
760
00:47:33,977 --> 00:47:36,438
Messieurs Bialystock
and Bloom, I presume?
761
00:47:37,064 --> 00:47:38,524
Forgive the pun.
762
00:47:41,109 --> 00:47:43,528
What pun?
Shut up, he thinks he's witty.
763
00:47:43,529 --> 00:47:48,157
Roger, may I say,
you look gorgeous.
Absolutely gorgeous.
764
00:47:49,493 --> 00:47:52,995
By the way, Max, darling,
we loved Funny Boy,
didn't we, Carmen?
765
00:47:52,996 --> 00:47:54,080
Oh, worshipped it.
766
00:47:54,081 --> 00:47:56,374
To be or not to be
you mean a lot to me
767
00:47:56,375 --> 00:47:58,085
Show stopper.
Fabulous.
768
00:47:59,419 --> 00:48:02,880
Oh, dear, your Mr. Bloom
is staring at my gown.
769
00:48:02,881 --> 00:48:04,507
Oh, well, I...
770
00:48:04,508 --> 00:48:07,760
I should explain. I'm going
to the choreographer's
ball this evening.
771
00:48:07,761 --> 00:48:09,679
There is a prize
for best costume.
772
00:48:09,680 --> 00:48:11,222
We always win.
773
00:48:11,223 --> 00:48:12,808
I'm not so sure
about this year.
774
00:48:13,559 --> 00:48:16,436
I'm supposed to be
the Grand Duchess
Anastasia.
775
00:48:16,728 --> 00:48:19,231
But I think I look
more like the
Chrysler Building.
776
00:48:20,858 --> 00:48:23,526
Well, as far as I'm concerned,
without your wig on,
777
00:48:23,527 --> 00:48:25,444
you're only half-dressed.
778
00:48:25,445 --> 00:48:28,823
Well, then,
why don't you go
and get it,
779
00:48:28,824 --> 00:48:31,785
oh, Wicked Witch of the West?
780
00:48:35,247 --> 00:48:37,707
If your intention was
781
00:48:37,708 --> 00:48:40,961
to shoot an arrow
through my heart...
782
00:48:43,297 --> 00:48:44,464
Bull's-eye!
783
00:48:48,927 --> 00:48:52,764
Oh, Roger, let's face it.
That building is you.
784
00:48:53,015 --> 00:48:55,641
Listen, I know
we sent it to you
only this morning,
785
00:48:55,642 --> 00:48:58,269
but, did you get
a chance yet to read
Springtime for Hitler?
786
00:48:58,270 --> 00:49:00,397
Read it? I devoured it.
787
00:49:00,689 --> 00:49:03,274
And I find
it remarkable.
Remarkable!
788
00:49:03,275 --> 00:49:05,401
I feel it is a very
important piece
789
00:49:05,402 --> 00:49:07,486
drenched
with historical
goodies.
790
00:49:07,487 --> 00:49:10,865
I, for one, for instance,
never realized
that the Third Reich
791
00:49:10,866 --> 00:49:11,992
meant Germany.
792
00:49:13,035 --> 00:49:15,536
Yeah, how about that?
Then you'll do it?
793
00:49:15,537 --> 00:49:18,456
Do it? Of course not.
It's not my kind of thing.
794
00:49:18,457 --> 00:49:22,920
I mean, Max, please,
World War II, too dark,
795
00:49:23,170 --> 00:49:24,378
too depressing.
796
00:49:24,379 --> 00:49:27,423
The theater's so obsessed
with drama so depressed
797
00:49:27,424 --> 00:49:30,218
It's hard to sell
a ticket on Broadway
798
00:49:30,469 --> 00:49:32,386
Shows should be
more pretty
799
00:49:32,387 --> 00:49:34,263
Shows should be
more witty
800
00:49:34,264 --> 00:49:37,935
Shows should be more
What's the word?
801
00:49:38,393 --> 00:49:40,979
Gay?
Exactly.
802
00:49:41,605 --> 00:49:45,566
No matter what you do
on the stage
803
00:49:45,567 --> 00:49:49,070
Keep it light,
keep it bright,
keep it gay
804
00:49:49,071 --> 00:49:53,074
Whether it's murder,
mayhem or rage
805
00:49:53,075 --> 00:49:55,077
Don't complain,
it's a pain
806
00:49:55,285 --> 00:49:57,244
Keep it gay
807
00:49:57,245 --> 00:50:01,123
People want laughter
when they see a show
808
00:50:01,124 --> 00:50:04,627
The last thing
they're after
is a litany of woe
809
00:50:04,628 --> 00:50:08,673
A happy ending
will pep up your play
810
00:50:08,674 --> 00:50:10,424
Oedipus won't bomb
811
00:50:10,425 --> 00:50:12,259
If he winds up with Mom
812
00:50:12,260 --> 00:50:13,845
Keep it gay
Keep it gay
813
00:50:14,096 --> 00:50:16,139
Keep it gay
814
00:50:16,556 --> 00:50:19,809
Couldn't agree more
and you have our blessings,
Roger
815
00:50:19,810 --> 00:50:22,144
to make
Springtime for Hitler
just as
816
00:50:22,145 --> 00:50:24,188
gay as anyone could
possibly want.
817
00:50:24,189 --> 00:50:25,773
So, come on,
do it for us, please.
818
00:50:25,774 --> 00:50:28,235
I'm sorry, Max,
it's simply not
my cup of tea.
819
00:50:28,986 --> 00:50:31,779
Still, fair is fair.
820
00:50:31,780 --> 00:50:34,323
Perhaps I should ask
my production team
what they think.
821
00:50:34,324 --> 00:50:36,826
Your production team,
who are they?
You'll see.
822
00:50:36,827 --> 00:50:38,369
They all live here.
823
00:50:38,370 --> 00:50:41,623
Guys, come say "Hello"
to Bialystock and Bloom.
824
00:50:41,873 --> 00:50:45,418
This is my set designer,
Bryan.
Hello.
825
00:50:45,419 --> 00:50:48,963
Keep it mad
keep it glad, keep it gay
826
00:50:48,964 --> 00:50:53,134
Here's my costume designer,
Kevin.
Hello.
827
00:50:53,135 --> 00:50:56,722
Keep it happy
keep it snappy, keep it gay
828
00:50:56,888 --> 00:51:00,683
We're clever, creative
it's our job to see
829
00:51:00,684 --> 00:51:04,603
That everything's perfect
for Mr. De Bris
830
00:51:04,604 --> 00:51:08,191
Scott, my choreographer.
Hi, there.
831
00:51:24,833 --> 00:51:27,877
And now finally,
last and least,
832
00:51:27,878 --> 00:51:31,131
my lighting designer,
Shirley Markowitz.
833
00:51:33,091 --> 00:51:36,302
Keep it gay, keep it gay
834
00:51:36,303 --> 00:51:39,514
Keep it gay
835
00:51:43,602 --> 00:51:45,770
Now, they all
just read Springtime.
836
00:51:45,771 --> 00:51:47,188
What did you think of it,
fellows?
837
00:51:47,189 --> 00:51:49,356
It needs glamour
And glitz
838
00:51:49,357 --> 00:51:51,735
It needs sequins
And tits
839
00:51:52,736 --> 00:51:56,530
Leo, Leo,
I think we're losing them.
840
00:51:56,531 --> 00:51:59,784
Go say something nice
to Roger.
I think he likes you.
841
00:51:59,785 --> 00:52:02,996
But, Max...
Go on, it's just showbiz.
842
00:52:09,086 --> 00:52:11,797
Mr. De Bris? Roger?
843
00:52:12,297 --> 00:52:16,008
Roger, actually,
I think your gown
is very stunning.
844
00:52:16,009 --> 00:52:19,512
Why, thank you,
Mr. Bloom. Leo.
845
00:52:19,513 --> 00:52:20,806
Mmm.
846
00:52:21,056 --> 00:52:23,724
What is that
enchanting cologne
you're wearing?
847
00:52:23,725 --> 00:52:25,935
Me? I'm not wearing
any cologne.
848
00:52:25,936 --> 00:52:28,647
You mean that smell is you?
849
00:52:29,314 --> 00:52:31,233
Oh, God.
850
00:52:31,608 --> 00:52:33,067
If I could bottle you,
851
00:52:33,068 --> 00:52:37,197
I'd shove you
under my armpits every day.
852
00:52:47,249 --> 00:52:49,875
Oh, Max. Max, we never
should have started this.
853
00:52:49,876 --> 00:52:51,752
I think we're getting in
too deep.
854
00:52:51,753 --> 00:52:54,046
Too deep? This is nothing.
855
00:52:54,047 --> 00:52:56,133
I'll tell you when we're
getting in too deep.
856
00:52:56,758 --> 00:53:01,428
And, so, the rule is
when mounting a play
857
00:53:01,429 --> 00:53:05,850
Keep it funny
keep it sunny, keep it gay
858
00:53:05,851 --> 00:53:08,979
What should we do?
Relax. Watch this.
859
00:53:09,896 --> 00:53:10,981
Roger...
860
00:53:13,525 --> 00:53:15,401
I think that
Springtime for Hitler
861
00:53:15,402 --> 00:53:17,444
would be
a marvelous opportunity
for you.
862
00:53:17,445 --> 00:53:20,239
I mean, up to now,
you've always
been associated with...
863
00:53:20,240 --> 00:53:22,533
Dare I say it,
frivolous musicals.
864
00:53:22,534 --> 00:53:23,701
You're right.
865
00:53:23,702 --> 00:53:26,370
I've often felt as though
I've been throwing
my life away
866
00:53:26,371 --> 00:53:27,830
on silly entertainments.
867
00:53:27,831 --> 00:53:30,833
Dopey showgirls
in gooey gowns.
868
00:53:30,834 --> 00:53:33,711
"Two, three, kick, turn,
turn, turn, kick, turn..."
869
00:53:33,712 --> 00:53:35,462
Roger.
It's enough
to make you heave.
870
00:53:35,463 --> 00:53:39,133
Nonetheless, I'm sorry, Max.
I just couldn't do
Springtime for Hitler.
871
00:53:39,134 --> 00:53:41,135
Why not?
Think of the respect.
No.
872
00:53:41,136 --> 00:53:42,845
Think of the prestige.
No, no, no.
873
00:53:42,846 --> 00:53:44,681
Think of the Tony.
874
00:53:45,432 --> 00:53:49,186
Tony, Tony, Tony,
Tony, Tony
875
00:53:49,561 --> 00:53:51,270
What's the matter?
Is he all right?
876
00:53:51,271 --> 00:53:52,688
- He's having a stroke...
- What?
877
00:53:52,689 --> 00:53:53,814
of genius!
878
00:53:53,815 --> 00:53:55,232
I see it at last
879
00:53:55,233 --> 00:53:57,151
The chance to do
something important
880
00:53:57,152 --> 00:54:00,905
Roger De Bris
presents history
881
00:54:00,906 --> 00:54:03,073
Of course
that whole second act
has to be re-written.
882
00:54:03,074 --> 00:54:06,119
They're losing the war?
Excuse me?
That's too down beat.
883
00:54:06,411 --> 00:54:09,997
Roger De Bris
presents history
884
00:54:09,998 --> 00:54:11,374
But maybe...
885
00:54:12,918 --> 00:54:15,587
It's a wild idea,
but it just might work.
886
00:54:16,213 --> 00:54:19,549
I see
887
00:54:20,258 --> 00:54:23,928
A line
888
00:54:23,929 --> 00:54:26,889
Of beautiful girl
889
00:54:26,890 --> 00:54:28,140
Dressed as storm troopers
890
00:54:28,141 --> 00:54:29,559
Each one a gem
891
00:54:29,976 --> 00:54:33,187
With leather boots
and whips on their hip
892
00:54:33,188 --> 00:54:35,606
It's risque,
dare I say, S and M
893
00:54:35,607 --> 00:54:36,815
Love it!
894
00:54:36,816 --> 00:54:39,526
I see German soldiers
dancing through fans
895
00:54:39,527 --> 00:54:42,363
Played by chorus boys
in very tight pants
896
00:54:42,364 --> 00:54:44,156
And wait, there's more
897
00:54:44,157 --> 00:54:45,658
They win the war
898
00:54:45,659 --> 00:54:49,078
And the dances they do
will be daring and new
899
00:54:49,079 --> 00:54:51,956
Turn, turn, kick, turn,
turn, kick turn, one, two,
three, kick, turn
900
00:54:51,957 --> 00:54:54,583
Keep it sassy
keep it classy, keep it
901
00:54:54,584 --> 00:54:56,877
That is brilliant,
brilliant, brilliant.
902
00:54:56,878 --> 00:54:59,421
I speak for Mr. Bloom
and myself, Roger,
903
00:54:59,422 --> 00:55:01,715
when I say that
you are the only man
in the world
904
00:55:01,716 --> 00:55:04,760
who can do justice
to Springtime for Hitler.
905
00:55:04,761 --> 00:55:06,387
Will you do it, please?
Please?
906
00:55:06,388 --> 00:55:08,847
Wait a minute.
This is a very big decision.
907
00:55:08,848 --> 00:55:10,933
It might affect
the course of my entire life.
908
00:55:10,934 --> 00:55:13,560
I shall have to think
about it. I'll do it.
909
00:55:13,561 --> 00:55:16,981
I'll do it
910
00:55:16,982 --> 00:55:19,316
Sabu, champagne!
911
00:55:19,317 --> 00:55:22,945
If at the end
you want them to cheer
912
00:55:22,946 --> 00:55:25,656
Keep it gay,
keep it gay, keep it gay
913
00:55:25,657 --> 00:55:29,201
Whether it's Hamlet,
Othello or Lear
914
00:55:29,202 --> 00:55:32,830
Keep it gay,
keep it gay, keep it gay
915
00:55:32,831 --> 00:55:35,833
Comedy's joyous,
a constant delight
916
00:55:35,834 --> 00:55:37,376
Dramas annoy us
917
00:55:37,377 --> 00:55:38,502
And ruin our night
918
00:55:38,503 --> 00:55:41,922
So keep your Strindbergs
and Ibsens at bay
919
00:55:41,923 --> 00:55:43,173
I'll sign
920
00:55:43,174 --> 00:55:44,758
Sign
Sign
921
00:55:44,759 --> 00:55:45,843
Sign
922
00:55:45,844 --> 00:55:47,052
Sign
923
00:55:47,053 --> 00:55:48,554
Sign
924
00:55:48,555 --> 00:55:50,848
Roger Elizabeth De Bris
925
00:55:50,849 --> 00:55:55,770
Keep it gay!
926
00:55:59,858 --> 00:56:01,067
Conga!
927
00:56:08,158 --> 00:56:12,244
So the rule is
when mounting a play
928
00:56:12,245 --> 00:56:17,042
Keep it gay,
keep it gay, keep it gay!
929
00:56:24,549 --> 00:56:27,343
Exclusive Broadway rights
to the worst show
ever written
930
00:56:27,344 --> 00:56:30,722
and a signed contract
with the worst director
who ever lived.
931
00:56:31,222 --> 00:56:32,682
We're in business.
932
00:56:34,809 --> 00:56:36,478
And what a business.
933
00:56:36,770 --> 00:56:39,396
In the same day,
I'm taking
the Siegfried Oath
934
00:56:39,397 --> 00:56:42,816
and dancing the conga,
with a cop, a sailor
935
00:56:42,817 --> 00:56:45,570
and an extremely friendly
Cherokee Indian.
936
00:56:45,904 --> 00:56:47,739
Yeah. Oh, well.
937
00:56:48,615 --> 00:56:50,783
It's not easy being
a Broadway producer...
938
00:56:50,784 --> 00:56:52,285
Nope.
but together
we'll make it.
939
00:56:52,577 --> 00:56:54,620
Partners, Leo.
Partners all the way
940
00:56:54,621 --> 00:56:56,622
and nothing or no one
will ever come between us.
941
00:56:56,623 --> 00:56:58,457
Nothing or no one, Max.
942
00:56:59,626 --> 00:57:00,794
Come in.
943
00:57:03,129 --> 00:57:04,798
Bialystock and Bloom?
944
00:57:08,927 --> 00:57:10,010
What?
945
00:57:10,011 --> 00:57:12,304
Oh, excuse me...
946
00:57:15,141 --> 00:57:16,643
Swedish.
947
00:57:16,810 --> 00:57:19,521
Costing today?
Costing.
948
00:57:20,271 --> 00:57:22,272
Costing?
Costing?
949
00:57:22,273 --> 00:57:23,649
Casting.
Casting.
950
00:57:23,650 --> 00:57:26,527
Oh, no, no, miss,
we're not casting yet.
951
00:57:26,528 --> 00:57:28,570
You see, we don't even know
when we're beginning...
952
00:57:28,571 --> 00:57:32,157
Casting, yes,
we just started
casting today.
953
00:57:32,158 --> 00:57:34,118
Yes, yes.
We're casting?
954
00:57:34,119 --> 00:57:35,995
Yes, we're casting.
955
00:57:36,162 --> 00:57:37,746
If you don't mind,
956
00:57:37,747 --> 00:57:40,499
just once in my life,
I'd like to see somebody
on that couch
957
00:57:40,500 --> 00:57:42,544
who's under 85.
958
00:57:47,841 --> 00:57:49,258
What's your name, my dear?
959
00:57:49,259 --> 00:57:50,843
My name is Ulla Inga...
960
00:57:50,844 --> 00:57:54,179
Hansen Benson Yansen Tallen
Hallen Svaden Swanson.
961
00:57:54,180 --> 00:57:56,932
Oh, wait, wait,
what's your first name?
962
00:57:56,933 --> 00:57:58,809
That was
my first name.
963
00:57:58,810 --> 00:58:00,561
You want to hear
my last name?
964
00:58:00,562 --> 00:58:04,482
We don't have the time.
We'll just call you Ulla.
965
00:58:04,983 --> 00:58:07,401
Okay? Yeah.
What do you do, Ulla?
966
00:58:07,402 --> 00:58:09,903
Ulla sing and dance.
Oh, yeah?
967
00:58:09,904 --> 00:58:13,031
You want Ulla
make audition?
Oh, no, miss.
968
00:58:13,032 --> 00:58:15,242
That won't be nece...
Yes, it is nece.
969
00:58:15,243 --> 00:58:16,869
Extremely nece.
970
00:58:16,870 --> 00:58:20,540
Please, please make audition.
Make audition
all over the office.
971
00:58:22,500 --> 00:58:23,834
What are you going to sing?
972
00:58:23,835 --> 00:58:26,379
Well, yesterday,
973
00:58:26,546 --> 00:58:29,381
when I was stepping out
of a big, white
974
00:58:29,382 --> 00:58:31,175
Rolls-Royce limo,
975
00:58:31,176 --> 00:58:34,179
a crazy man yelled something
out the window
976
00:58:34,387 --> 00:58:36,973
that inspired me
to write this song.
977
00:58:43,229 --> 00:58:45,273
When you got it
978
00:58:45,773 --> 00:58:47,442
Flaunt it
979
00:58:48,359 --> 00:58:51,571
Step right up
and strut your stuff
980
00:58:52,697 --> 00:58:55,992
People tell you
modesty's a virtue
981
00:58:57,035 --> 00:59:00,538
But in the theater
modesty can hurt you
982
00:59:01,122 --> 00:59:02,916
When you got it
983
00:59:03,791 --> 00:59:05,126
Flaunt it
984
00:59:06,002 --> 00:59:09,631
Show your assets
let them know you're proud
985
00:59:10,423 --> 00:59:12,257
Your goodies you must push
986
00:59:12,258 --> 00:59:14,593
Stick your chest out,
shake your tush
987
00:59:14,594 --> 00:59:18,889
When you got it,
shout it out loud
988
00:59:18,890 --> 00:59:21,059
Now Ulla dance.
989
00:59:36,491 --> 00:59:39,869
When you got it, show it
990
00:59:40,745 --> 00:59:44,123
Put your hidden treasures
on display
991
00:59:44,666 --> 00:59:47,710
Violinists love to play
an E-string
992
00:59:48,461 --> 00:59:51,714
But audiences really love
a g-string
993
00:59:52,006 --> 00:59:55,635
When you got it,
shout it
994
00:59:56,261 --> 01:00:00,389
Let the whole world hear
what you're about
995
01:00:00,390 --> 01:00:02,015
Clothes may make the man
996
01:00:02,016 --> 01:00:04,017
All a girl needs is a tan
997
01:00:04,018 --> 01:00:07,897
When you got it,
let it hang out
998
01:00:08,314 --> 01:00:09,481
Remember when Ulla dance?
999
01:00:09,482 --> 01:00:10,607
Yeah.
1000
01:00:10,608 --> 01:00:12,026
Ulla dance again.
1001
01:00:12,443 --> 01:00:14,946
Ulla dance again.
1002
01:00:31,671 --> 01:00:35,383
When I was just
a little girl in Sweden
1003
01:00:35,592 --> 01:00:39,761
My thoughtful mother
gave me this advice
1004
01:00:39,762 --> 01:00:42,765
If nature blesses you
from top to bottom
1005
01:00:43,516 --> 01:00:46,852
Show that top to bottom
Don't think twice
1006
01:00:46,853 --> 01:00:49,229
Now Ulla belt.
1007
01:00:49,230 --> 01:00:53,483
Don't think twice
1008
01:00:53,484 --> 01:00:56,946
When you got it, share it
1009
01:00:57,614 --> 01:01:01,700
Let the public feast upon
your charms
1010
01:01:01,701 --> 01:01:05,246
People say that
being prim is proper
1011
01:01:05,538 --> 01:01:09,166
But every showgirl knows
that prim will stop her
1012
01:01:09,167 --> 01:01:13,254
When you got it,
give it
1013
01:01:13,671 --> 01:01:18,635
Don't be selfish,
give it all away
1014
01:01:23,431 --> 01:01:25,349
Don't be shy,
be bold and cute
1015
01:01:25,350 --> 01:01:27,351
Show the boys
your birthday suit
1016
01:01:27,352 --> 01:01:31,271
When you got it
1017
01:01:31,272 --> 01:01:33,524
If you got it
1018
01:01:35,026 --> 01:01:37,278
Once you got it
1019
01:01:38,446 --> 01:01:40,073
Shout out
1020
01:01:43,201 --> 01:01:43,701
Hooray
1021
01:01:54,587 --> 01:01:57,632
Okey dokey, you like it?
1022
01:01:57,840 --> 01:01:59,842
Like it?
1023
01:02:00,343 --> 01:02:01,802
I want you to know,
my dear,
1024
01:02:01,803 --> 01:02:04,096
that even though
we're sitting down,
1025
01:02:04,097 --> 01:02:07,308
we are giving you
a standing ovation.
1026
01:02:12,855 --> 01:02:14,356
She's in the show.
1027
01:02:15,692 --> 01:02:17,859
Wait, Max. Max,
we don't even know
1028
01:02:17,860 --> 01:02:20,154
if there's a part
for her in the show.
1029
01:02:20,947 --> 01:02:22,990
Would you excuse us,
my dear?
1030
01:02:24,033 --> 01:02:25,618
Nonsense, Bloom.
1031
01:02:25,952 --> 01:02:28,328
Bloom, do I have
to teach you everything?
1032
01:02:28,329 --> 01:02:31,039
There is always a part
in the show for the
producer's girlfriend.
1033
01:02:31,040 --> 01:02:33,959
But, Max, we don't even
know when we're starting
rehearsal, yet.
1034
01:02:33,960 --> 01:02:36,128
So what? So what?
1035
01:02:36,129 --> 01:02:38,130
We're producers, aren't we?
1036
01:02:38,131 --> 01:02:41,216
So, until she goes
into the show,
she can work for us here.
1037
01:02:41,217 --> 01:02:45,179
Because, we need, nay,
deserve to have ourselves...
1038
01:02:47,223 --> 01:02:48,765
Deserve to have ourselves,
1039
01:02:48,766 --> 01:02:51,852
a gorgeous Swedish
secretary/receptionist.
1040
01:02:51,853 --> 01:02:54,438
But, Max, a secretary
who doesn't speak English?
1041
01:02:54,439 --> 01:02:56,815
What will people say?
They'll say...
1042
01:02:59,527 --> 01:03:01,362
Offer her the job, please.
1043
01:03:03,364 --> 01:03:04,907
Just a moment, miss.
1044
01:03:06,200 --> 01:03:08,076
We might have
a position for you.
1045
01:03:08,077 --> 01:03:10,663
As a matter of fact,
we might have
several positions for you.
1046
01:03:12,123 --> 01:03:15,292
Until the show gets going,
we can offer you a job here
1047
01:03:15,293 --> 01:03:18,254
as a secretary/receptionist.
1048
01:03:18,629 --> 01:03:21,007
Secretary/receptionist?
1049
01:03:22,133 --> 01:03:23,760
Okey-slash-dokey.
1050
01:03:24,927 --> 01:03:26,179
I can do that.
1051
01:03:28,097 --> 01:03:29,474
Answer telephone.
1052
01:03:30,725 --> 01:03:32,435
Bialystock and Bloom.
1053
01:03:32,935 --> 01:03:36,147
Bialystock and Bloom.
Smart as a whip.
1054
01:03:36,314 --> 01:03:37,523
You're hired!
1055
01:03:43,821 --> 01:03:46,657
Well, all right.
If he says so,
I don't have any...
1056
01:03:48,159 --> 01:03:49,242
Oh, yeah.
1057
01:03:49,243 --> 01:03:51,787
Secretary/receptionist
and...
1058
01:03:51,788 --> 01:03:54,372
Maybe you can tidy up
around here
a little bit, too.
1059
01:03:54,373 --> 01:03:57,834
Tidy up? Tidy up.
Such a funny word.
1060
01:03:57,835 --> 01:04:00,670
What means "tidy up?"
Oh, you know, clean?
1061
01:04:00,671 --> 01:04:01,838
Make look nice.
1062
01:04:01,839 --> 01:04:04,466
Oh, yeah!
Ulla can make "tidy up."
1063
01:04:04,467 --> 01:04:07,637
Oh, very good.
What time can you
be here in the morning?
1064
01:04:07,929 --> 01:04:11,431
Well, Ulla wake up
every morning, 5:00 a.m.
1065
01:04:11,432 --> 01:04:13,893
From 5:00 to 7:00
Ulla like to exercise.
1066
01:04:14,060 --> 01:04:17,104
From 7:00 to 8:00
Ulla like to take
a long shower.
1067
01:04:17,313 --> 01:04:21,691
From 8:00 to 9:00,
Ulla like to have big
Swedish breakfast.
1068
01:04:21,692 --> 01:04:23,652
Many different herrings.
1069
01:04:23,653 --> 01:04:25,153
From 9:00 to 11:00...
1070
01:04:25,154 --> 01:04:27,823
Ulla like to practice
her singing and her dancing.
1071
01:04:27,824 --> 01:04:30,201
And at 11:00,
Ulla like to have sex.
1072
01:04:31,494 --> 01:04:33,329
What time
should I get here?
1073
01:04:34,163 --> 01:04:37,583
11:00.
Good! Ulla will come
at 11:00.
1074
01:04:38,334 --> 01:04:40,169
"Ulla will come
at 11:00."
1075
01:04:50,263 --> 01:04:52,557
God bless America.
1076
01:04:55,393 --> 01:04:57,103
God bless Sweden.
1077
01:04:58,396 --> 01:04:59,855
Oh, Max.
1078
01:04:59,856 --> 01:05:01,899
Max, she's fantastic.
1079
01:05:02,108 --> 01:05:04,443
The most beautiful girl
I've ever seen.
1080
01:05:04,861 --> 01:05:06,778
I've never
felt this way before.
1081
01:05:06,779 --> 01:05:09,824
It's like a volcano
erupting inside of me, like,
1082
01:05:10,032 --> 01:05:14,537
like hot lava rising
higher and higher and...
1083
01:05:15,246 --> 01:05:18,249
What is that, Max?
What is it?
1084
01:05:21,335 --> 01:05:23,045
It's called an erection.
1085
01:05:23,796 --> 01:05:25,339
It's either that or malaria.
1086
01:05:25,673 --> 01:05:28,258
But don't worry,
they have shots
for everything now.
1087
01:05:28,259 --> 01:05:30,177
Come here,
I want to show you something.
1088
01:05:31,971 --> 01:05:34,055
What do you see?
Nothing.
1089
01:05:34,056 --> 01:05:35,140
Exactly.
1090
01:05:35,141 --> 01:05:37,601
But now that we've got
our sure-fire flop,
1091
01:05:37,602 --> 01:05:41,104
it's gonna be our job to fill
that safe with $2 million.
1092
01:05:41,105 --> 01:05:43,649
$2 million?
Gee, how much do we put in?
1093
01:05:55,328 --> 01:05:56,329
How much...
1094
01:05:57,079 --> 01:05:58,414
How much do we put in?
1095
01:05:59,165 --> 01:06:00,249
Bloom,
1096
01:06:01,250 --> 01:06:04,378
the two cardinal rules
of being
a Broadway producer
1097
01:06:04,795 --> 01:06:06,087
are, one...
1098
01:06:06,088 --> 01:06:08,506
Never put your own money
in the show.
1099
01:06:08,507 --> 01:06:09,508
And two?
1100
01:06:09,675 --> 01:06:12,636
Never put your own money
1101
01:06:12,637 --> 01:06:15,097
in the show!
1102
01:06:17,016 --> 01:06:18,516
Get it?
Got it.
1103
01:06:18,517 --> 01:06:19,601
Good.
1104
01:06:19,602 --> 01:06:22,939
So how do we raise the money?
How? I'll tell you how.
1105
01:06:24,815 --> 01:06:26,149
From my investors.
1106
01:06:26,150 --> 01:06:30,237
Hundreds of little old ladies
all looking
to Max Bialystock
1107
01:06:30,571 --> 01:06:33,490
for one last thrill
on their way to the cemetery.
1108
01:06:33,491 --> 01:06:37,536
So, in the days to come,
Bloom, you shall see
very little of me.
1109
01:06:37,787 --> 01:06:40,205
And right now
I'd like to see
very little of you.
1110
01:06:40,206 --> 01:06:42,208
Scram,
while I get myself ready.
1111
01:06:42,458 --> 01:06:46,503
For Max Bialystock,
is about to launch himself
1112
01:06:46,504 --> 01:06:48,798
into Little-old-lady Land.
1113
01:06:50,424 --> 01:06:53,302
The time has come
1114
01:06:53,552 --> 01:06:58,057
To be a lover
from the Argentine
1115
01:06:58,265 --> 01:07:02,687
To slick my hair down
with brilliantine
1116
01:07:02,979 --> 01:07:07,358
And gargle heavily
with Lister
1117
01:07:07,858 --> 01:07:09,735
Ine
1118
01:07:13,656 --> 01:07:14,699
Wow!
1119
01:07:15,241 --> 01:07:18,160
It's time for Max
1120
01:07:18,703 --> 01:07:23,499
To put his backers
on their backs
1121
01:07:23,791 --> 01:07:25,917
And thrill them with
1122
01:07:25,918 --> 01:07:29,254
Amazing acts
1123
01:07:29,255 --> 01:07:32,091
Those aging nymphomaniacs
1124
01:07:41,934 --> 01:07:45,729
They were helpless,
they were hopeless
1125
01:07:45,730 --> 01:07:48,566
Then along came Bialy
1126
01:07:49,358 --> 01:07:53,278
They were joyless,
they were boyless
1127
01:07:53,279 --> 01:07:56,282
Then along came Bialy
1128
01:07:56,824 --> 01:08:00,785
They're my angels,
I'm their devil
1129
01:08:00,786 --> 01:08:03,497
And I keep
those embers aglow
1130
01:08:04,623 --> 01:08:08,460
When I woos 'em,
I can't lose 'em
1131
01:08:08,461 --> 01:08:12,255
'Cause I cast my spell
and they start yelling,
"Fire down below"
1132
01:08:12,256 --> 01:08:16,009
So romantic,
they were frantic
1133
01:08:16,010 --> 01:08:19,971
Then their prayers
were heard up above
1134
01:08:19,972 --> 01:08:23,725
Heaven sent them
their Bialy
1135
01:08:23,726 --> 01:08:26,102
I'm the celebration
1136
01:08:26,103 --> 01:08:29,148
Of love
1137
01:08:37,656 --> 01:08:39,700
Who is it? Who is it?
1138
01:08:40,785 --> 01:08:42,995
- It's Max Bialystock!
- Oh!
1139
01:08:46,624 --> 01:08:47,708
Maxy.
1140
01:10:06,579 --> 01:10:07,745
Fire down below!
1141
01:10:07,746 --> 01:10:10,790
We were listing,
we were sinking
1142
01:10:10,791 --> 01:10:14,169
Then along came Bialy
1143
01:10:14,170 --> 01:10:17,630
We were desperate,
we were drinking
1144
01:10:17,631 --> 01:10:20,550
Then along came Bialy
1145
01:10:20,551 --> 01:10:21,676
Who's your daddy?
1146
01:10:21,677 --> 01:10:24,512
So romantic,
we were frantic
1147
01:10:24,513 --> 01:10:27,933
Then our prayers
were heard up above
1148
01:10:28,309 --> 01:10:31,436
He's Bialy, hey, Bialy
1149
01:10:31,437 --> 01:10:35,190
He's the culmination
The restoration
1150
01:10:35,191 --> 01:10:38,693
The consummation
The titillation
1151
01:10:38,694 --> 01:10:40,278
Ejaculation
1152
01:10:40,279 --> 01:10:44,867
He's a celebration
of love
1153
01:11:14,730 --> 01:11:16,023
Bloom! Bloom!
1154
01:11:16,982 --> 01:11:18,692
What, Max? What?
1155
01:11:19,235 --> 01:11:22,195
I've done it. I've done it.
I've raised the $2 million!
1156
01:11:22,196 --> 01:11:25,114
Now all we have to do
is put on
the biggest flop in history.
1157
01:11:25,115 --> 01:11:26,367
That's great!
1158
01:11:37,127 --> 01:11:39,129
- Yeah.
- We can't miss.
1159
01:12:00,567 --> 01:12:03,194
Gotta make the next payment
on the theater by 3:00
or else...
1160
01:12:03,195 --> 01:12:04,947
Oh! Sorry,
wrong office.
1161
01:12:05,114 --> 01:12:06,824
Bialystock, Bloom.
1162
01:12:08,117 --> 01:12:09,618
Max, Leo.
1163
01:12:24,967 --> 01:12:27,303
- Ulla?
- Ja.
1164
01:12:27,720 --> 01:12:30,806
What happened
to the office?
Like you tell Ulla
1165
01:12:31,223 --> 01:12:33,684
"tidy up."
"Tidy oop?"
1166
01:12:33,976 --> 01:12:35,019
Well.
1167
01:12:35,185 --> 01:12:37,312
How did you find
the time to do all this?
1168
01:12:37,313 --> 01:12:38,814
I skip lunch.
1169
01:12:39,356 --> 01:12:40,441
Of course you did.
1170
01:12:40,774 --> 01:12:42,900
Very nice.
She skipped lunch.
1171
01:12:42,901 --> 01:12:43,986
Oh.
Yeah.
1172
01:12:44,486 --> 01:12:46,154
Almost three.
That payment to
the Shubert's.
1173
01:12:46,155 --> 01:12:47,613
I'll get the cash
from the safe.
1174
01:12:47,614 --> 01:12:49,782
You make sure
all those contracts
are signed.
1175
01:12:49,783 --> 01:12:50,784
Yes, Max.
1176
01:12:52,661 --> 01:12:54,955
Oh, she painted
over the numbers.
1177
01:13:09,219 --> 01:13:11,096
Hello, boys.
1178
01:13:13,390 --> 01:13:16,559
Nobody knows
what I went through
to get you.
1179
01:13:16,560 --> 01:13:18,019
Ulla knows.
1180
01:13:18,020 --> 01:13:21,273
You had to schtup every
little old lady in New York.
1181
01:13:24,318 --> 01:13:25,319
That's right.
1182
01:13:25,694 --> 01:13:26,695
That's right.
1183
01:13:27,363 --> 01:13:30,157
And I've still got
the denture bites to prove it.
1184
01:13:31,909 --> 01:13:33,744
Work, work, work.
Work, work, work.
1185
01:13:34,036 --> 01:13:35,037
Work, work, work.
1186
01:13:37,039 --> 01:13:38,040
So...
1187
01:13:39,375 --> 01:13:40,876
Mr. Bloom.
1188
01:13:42,169 --> 01:13:43,837
We are all alone.
1189
01:13:45,047 --> 01:13:47,132
Yes we are. Aren't we?
1190
01:13:53,305 --> 01:13:55,766
Why Bloom go
so far camera right?
1191
01:13:57,643 --> 01:13:59,353
Bloom no like Ulla?
1192
01:14:00,562 --> 01:14:02,731
Ulla like Bloom.
Oh.
1193
01:14:03,357 --> 01:14:05,858
Oh, Bloom like Ulla,
all right.
1194
01:14:05,859 --> 01:14:08,278
Maybe a little too much.
Good.
1195
01:14:09,113 --> 01:14:10,114
I'm glad.
1196
01:14:13,117 --> 01:14:16,954
Why Bloom need blue blanket?
Oh, it's not important.
1197
01:14:17,329 --> 01:14:19,497
It's just
a minor compulsion.
It's that I've...
1198
01:14:19,498 --> 01:14:22,042
I've had it ever since
I was a baby and I...
1199
01:14:22,501 --> 01:14:24,670
You're a little
too close.
1200
01:14:26,839 --> 01:14:31,301
The urge to merge
can rob us of our senses
1201
01:14:31,635 --> 01:14:35,764
The need to breed
can make a man a drone
1202
01:14:36,473 --> 01:14:41,019
We must be on alert
with our defenses
1203
01:14:41,186 --> 01:14:43,939
For every skirt
will test
1204
01:14:46,275 --> 01:14:49,278
Testosterone
1205
01:14:49,653 --> 01:14:53,407
So knowing this
I severed all connection
1206
01:14:53,574 --> 01:14:56,827
With any creature
sporting silk or lace
1207
01:14:57,286 --> 01:15:01,373
I was firmly headed
in the right direction
1208
01:15:01,790 --> 01:15:05,419
When suddenly
I stumbled on
1209
01:15:06,295 --> 01:15:10,007
That face
1210
01:15:11,341 --> 01:15:15,637
That face, that face,
that dangerous face
1211
01:15:15,971 --> 01:15:20,184
I mustn't be unwise
1212
01:15:20,350 --> 01:15:24,979
Those lips, that nose,
those eyes
1213
01:15:24,980 --> 01:15:29,484
Could lead to my demise
1214
01:15:29,485 --> 01:15:33,822
That face, that face,
that marvelous face
1215
01:15:33,989 --> 01:15:38,493
I never should begin
1216
01:15:38,494 --> 01:15:42,914
Those cheeks,
that neck, that chin
1217
01:15:42,915 --> 01:15:46,710
Will surely do me in
1218
01:15:47,419 --> 01:15:52,173
I must be smart
and hide my heart
if she's within a mile
1219
01:15:52,174 --> 01:15:55,134
If I don't duck,
I'm out of luck
1220
01:15:55,135 --> 01:16:00,098
She'd kill me
with her smile
1221
01:16:04,937 --> 01:16:09,732
That face, that face,
that fabulous face
1222
01:16:09,733 --> 01:16:14,237
It's clear I must beware
1223
01:16:14,238 --> 01:16:18,616
I'm certain
if I fall in love
I'm lost without a trace
1224
01:16:18,617 --> 01:16:23,163
But it's worth it
for that face
1225
01:16:23,580 --> 01:16:26,458
Oh-oh, Bloom help Ulla down?
1226
01:16:27,167 --> 01:16:30,087
All right,
Bloom help Ulla down.
1227
01:18:57,901 --> 01:19:01,362
That face, that face
1228
01:19:01,363 --> 01:19:06,326
That lovable face
1229
01:19:07,661 --> 01:19:10,330
It melts my
1230
01:19:10,747 --> 01:19:15,418
Swedish heart
1231
01:19:15,419 --> 01:19:19,714
I'm certain
if I fall in love
1232
01:19:19,715 --> 01:19:24,678
I'm lost without a trace
1233
01:19:25,554 --> 01:19:29,265
But it's worth it
1234
01:19:29,266 --> 01:19:32,561
For that
1235
01:19:33,019 --> 01:19:34,896
Face
1236
01:19:56,710 --> 01:19:57,793
Again!
1237
01:19:57,794 --> 01:20:01,881
Arabesque, prepare,
pirouette and twirl
1238
01:20:01,882 --> 01:20:06,093
and goose step, goose step
waltz-clog and kick. Again!
1239
01:20:06,094 --> 01:20:10,264
Arabesque, prepare,
pirouette and twirl
1240
01:20:10,265 --> 01:20:14,769
and goose step, goose step
waltz-clog and kick. Again!
1241
01:20:14,770 --> 01:20:17,646
Arabesque, prepare,
pirouette...
1242
01:20:17,647 --> 01:20:20,483
Halt! Halt!
1243
01:20:20,484 --> 01:20:22,318
Halt!
1244
01:20:22,319 --> 01:20:24,653
This is bedlam, bedlam.
Bedlam. Bedlam.
1245
01:20:28,033 --> 01:20:29,743
Shut up!
1246
01:20:30,827 --> 01:20:32,703
We must have
some order here.
1247
01:20:32,704 --> 01:20:35,706
Will all the dancing Hitlers
please wait offstage right
1248
01:20:35,707 --> 01:20:38,418
and all the singing Hitlers
offstage left?
1249
01:20:39,920 --> 01:20:41,171
Get that way.
1250
01:20:41,838 --> 01:20:45,007
Carmen, call in
a singing Hitler please.
1251
01:20:45,008 --> 01:20:46,593
Yes, darling. Roger.
1252
01:20:56,186 --> 01:20:57,771
Jack Lapidus!
1253
01:21:02,692 --> 01:21:04,319
Jack Lapidus!
1254
01:21:08,365 --> 01:21:09,658
Jack Lapidus.
1255
01:21:11,034 --> 01:21:14,161
Well, Jack.
What are you going
to sing for us?
1256
01:21:14,162 --> 01:21:18,708
I would like to sing
A Wandering Minstrel I.
1257
01:21:19,251 --> 01:21:20,418
If you must.
1258
01:21:25,590 --> 01:21:29,301
A Wandering Minstrel, I
1259
01:21:29,302 --> 01:21:32,096
A thing of shred and
Thank you!
1260
01:21:32,097 --> 01:21:33,807
Patches
Next, please!
1261
01:21:35,934 --> 01:21:38,602
Donald Dinsmore!
Thanks.
1262
01:21:38,603 --> 01:21:40,272
Well, Donald, if we...
1263
01:21:42,607 --> 01:21:43,941
Well, Donald, I...
1264
01:21:43,942 --> 01:21:46,194
Oh, hi, how are you?
Oh, no,
that's all right, Donald.
1265
01:21:46,778 --> 01:21:49,990
Hello. Yes, now what are you
going to sing for us, friend?
1266
01:21:50,156 --> 01:21:54,995
I'd like to sing
The Little Wooden Boy.
1267
01:21:56,621 --> 01:21:57,914
Thank you.
1268
01:22:07,465 --> 01:22:08,508
Next!
1269
01:22:10,969 --> 01:22:12,596
Jason Green.
1270
01:22:15,390 --> 01:22:17,850
Well, Jason,
what have you
been up to lately?
1271
01:22:17,851 --> 01:22:21,855
For the last 16 years
I have been touring
in No No Nietzsche.
1272
01:22:22,188 --> 01:22:23,940
You played Nietzsche?
No, no.
1273
01:22:24,816 --> 01:22:26,275
What are you going
to sing for us?
1274
01:22:26,276 --> 01:22:28,862
Have you ever heard
The German Band?
1275
01:22:29,070 --> 01:22:30,154
No.
1276
01:22:30,155 --> 01:22:32,866
That is the name of the song
I am going to sing.
1277
01:22:33,116 --> 01:22:34,117
Oh.
1278
01:22:35,160 --> 01:22:36,536
Play it, please.
1279
01:22:40,457 --> 01:22:41,708
Speed it up.
1280
01:22:42,292 --> 01:22:45,002
Haben sie gehort
1281
01:22:45,003 --> 01:22:47,380
Das Deutsche Band
1282
01:22:48,089 --> 01:22:50,675
Mit a bang
Mit a boom
1283
01:22:50,884 --> 01:22:54,345
Mit a bing-bang
bing-bang boom
1284
01:22:54,346 --> 01:22:57,181
Ahhh, haben sie gehort
1285
01:22:57,182 --> 01:22:59,059
Halt! Halt!
1286
01:22:59,517 --> 01:23:02,687
Halt! No, no, no.
1287
01:23:02,979 --> 01:23:05,690
This man could never play
Adolf Hitler.
1288
01:23:05,941 --> 01:23:08,817
The Fuehrer wasn't
a mousy little mama's boy.
1289
01:23:08,818 --> 01:23:10,527
The Fuehrer was butch.
1290
01:23:10,528 --> 01:23:14,198
And that is not how you sing
Haben sie gehort
das Deutsche Band.
1291
01:23:14,199 --> 01:23:17,201
This is how you sing
Haben sie gehort
das Deutsche Band.
1292
01:23:17,202 --> 01:23:20,663
B-flat. 2/2 time.
Modulate at the bridge. Raus!
1293
01:23:24,584 --> 01:23:28,253
Haben sie gehort
das Deutsche Band
1294
01:23:28,254 --> 01:23:30,422
Mit a bang
Mit a boom
1295
01:23:30,423 --> 01:23:32,591
Mit a bing-bang
bing-bang boom
1296
01:23:32,592 --> 01:23:36,679
Ahhh, haben sie gehort
das Deutsche Band
1297
01:23:36,680 --> 01:23:38,764
Mit a bang
Mit a boom
1298
01:23:38,765 --> 01:23:40,934
Mit a bing-bang
bing-bang boom
1299
01:23:41,309 --> 01:23:44,980
Russian folk songs
und French ooh-la-la
1300
01:23:45,563 --> 01:23:49,108
Can't compare
with a German oom-pah-pah!
1301
01:23:49,109 --> 01:23:53,529
We're saying
Haben sie gehort
das Deutsche Band
1302
01:23:53,530 --> 01:23:57,784
Mit a zetz, mit a zap,
mit a zing
1303
01:23:58,034 --> 01:24:01,912
Polish polkas,
they're stupid
und they're rotten
1304
01:24:01,913 --> 01:24:05,457
It don't mean a thing
if it ain't got that
1305
01:24:05,458 --> 01:24:09,378
Schweigen-reigen-schanden-
schutzen-schmutzen
1306
01:24:09,379 --> 01:24:11,256
Sauerbraten
1307
01:24:11,965 --> 01:24:13,133
Key change!
1308
01:24:14,300 --> 01:24:18,303
We're saying
1309
01:24:18,304 --> 01:24:21,390
Haben sie gehort
1310
01:24:21,391 --> 01:24:23,684
Das Deutsche Band
1311
01:24:23,685 --> 01:24:27,479
Mit a zetz, mit a zap,
mit a zing
1312
01:24:27,480 --> 01:24:29,398
It's the only
kind of music
1313
01:24:29,399 --> 01:24:31,483
That we Huns
und our honeys
1314
01:24:31,484 --> 01:24:34,319
Love to sing
1315
01:24:34,320 --> 01:24:35,697
That's our Hitler!
1316
01:24:45,498 --> 01:24:48,710
- Have your tickets ready.
- Have your tickets ready.
1317
01:24:49,335 --> 01:24:51,838
Right this way, please.
This way, please.
1318
01:24:52,088 --> 01:24:53,715
Take your seats.
1319
01:24:58,178 --> 01:25:00,846
Ah, good evening Monsieur.
Very nice to see you again.
1320
01:25:00,847 --> 01:25:02,682
- Enjoy the show.
- Thank you.
1321
01:25:09,731 --> 01:25:13,150
Oh, Mr. Bloom!
Oh, you look so handsome.
1322
01:25:13,151 --> 01:25:14,861
Oh, thank you.
This is so exciting.
1323
01:25:15,528 --> 01:25:16,653
Leo!
1324
01:25:19,199 --> 01:25:20,200
Leo.
1325
01:25:21,076 --> 01:25:23,410
Who said you could
wear that hat?
Well, nobody, Max,
1326
01:25:23,411 --> 01:25:26,038
but I thought now
that I'm the producer
of a Broadway show...
1327
01:25:26,039 --> 01:25:27,915
Has the curtain gone up yet?
No.
1328
01:25:27,916 --> 01:25:29,792
Has the curtain
come down yet?
No.
1329
01:25:29,793 --> 01:25:32,503
Then you're not
a producer yet.
Give me that hat.
1330
01:25:32,504 --> 01:25:35,173
Mr. Bloom! Leo.
1331
01:25:35,715 --> 01:25:39,134
Your tie is all askew.
Askew?
1332
01:25:39,135 --> 01:25:41,804
Well, thank you, Ulla.
Have a good show.
1333
01:25:49,521 --> 01:25:51,106
Roll them in the aisles.
1334
01:25:51,397 --> 01:25:54,400
Okey-dokey. I will try to.
1335
01:25:54,776 --> 01:25:57,070
But there's just
so many of them.
1336
01:26:01,157 --> 01:26:04,368
Gee, I thought we were
partners sharing everything
fifty-fifty.
1337
01:26:04,369 --> 01:26:07,788
Now, I'm out in the cold
and you two are
busy askewing each other.
1338
01:26:07,789 --> 01:26:09,540
Askewing? Never, Max.
1339
01:26:09,541 --> 01:26:12,584
Hugs and kisses, yes,
but that's as far as I go.
1340
01:26:21,928 --> 01:26:25,472
Gunter, you will pick me up
back here
right after the curtain.
1341
01:26:29,644 --> 01:26:31,895
Oh, God, will they love us,
will they hate us?
1342
01:26:31,896 --> 01:26:33,814
The suspense is killing me.
I know.
1343
01:26:33,815 --> 01:26:35,816
I feel like I'm going
into labor.
1344
01:26:39,612 --> 01:26:41,655
Messieurs Bialystock
and Bloom.
1345
01:26:41,656 --> 01:26:43,324
Well, gentlemen, merde.
1346
01:26:45,326 --> 01:26:47,871
And I just wanna wish
everybody good luck.
1347
01:26:48,413 --> 01:26:50,831
What? What did you say?
Bite your tongue.
1348
01:26:50,832 --> 01:26:52,416
Gott im Himmel!
Oh, what's the matter...
1349
01:26:52,417 --> 01:26:54,835
All I said was good luck.
He said it again.
1350
01:26:54,836 --> 01:26:57,629
Mr. Bloom, hasn't anyone
ever told you
1351
01:26:57,630 --> 01:27:00,507
it's bad luck to say,
"good luck"
on opening night?
1352
01:27:00,508 --> 01:27:03,344
If you do, I tell you
1353
01:27:03,595 --> 01:27:05,971
It is certain by the curtain
You are through
1354
01:27:05,972 --> 01:27:07,097
Good luck!
1355
01:27:07,098 --> 01:27:09,433
It's bad luck to say
"Good luck" on opening night
1356
01:27:09,434 --> 01:27:12,352
Once it's said,
you are dead
1357
01:27:12,353 --> 01:27:14,646
You will get
the worst reviews
you ever read
1358
01:27:14,647 --> 01:27:15,731
Good luck!
1359
01:27:15,732 --> 01:27:17,859
Even at
the Comedie Francaise
1360
01:27:18,151 --> 01:27:21,154
On the opening night
they are scared
1361
01:27:21,362 --> 01:27:23,864
"Bonne chance, mes amis,"
no one says
1362
01:27:23,865 --> 01:27:25,866
The only word
you'll ever hear is
1363
01:27:25,867 --> 01:27:27,075
Merde
1364
01:27:27,076 --> 01:27:28,744
Good luck, good luck,
good luck!
1365
01:27:28,745 --> 01:27:31,580
It's verboten,
wishing luck
on opening night
1366
01:27:31,581 --> 01:27:34,334
Take advice,
don't think twice
1367
01:27:34,500 --> 01:27:37,337
Or your show
will surely end up
in the scheiss
1368
01:27:37,587 --> 01:27:40,589
At the famous
La Scala in Milan
1369
01:27:40,590 --> 01:27:43,217
On opening night
it's a rule
1370
01:27:43,218 --> 01:27:46,386
"In bocca lupo"
they say with elan
1371
01:27:46,387 --> 01:27:48,805
And just for luck
they all shout
"Vafangu"
1372
01:27:48,806 --> 01:27:52,601
I got it
Now I'll never say
"good luck" on opening night
1373
01:27:52,602 --> 01:27:56,480
That's the rule,
I'm no fool
1374
01:27:56,481 --> 01:27:59,399
What do I say, I beg?
1375
01:27:59,400 --> 01:28:04,113
What you say is
"break a leg"
1376
01:28:04,405 --> 01:28:07,325
Break a leg?
Yes, break a leg!
1377
01:28:07,659 --> 01:28:10,077
If you're clever
1378
01:28:10,078 --> 01:28:11,161
Good luck!
1379
01:28:11,162 --> 01:28:13,497
You'll endeavor
1380
01:28:14,582 --> 01:28:17,751
To never, never, never,
never ever, ever, ever say
1381
01:28:17,752 --> 01:28:20,837
On opening night
1382
01:28:20,838 --> 01:28:23,799
Five minutes to curtain.
Curtain going up
in five minutes.
1383
01:28:23,800 --> 01:28:26,094
Hasenpfeffer. I'm late.
I must run.
1384
01:28:26,594 --> 01:28:27,929
Break a leg!
1385
01:28:37,605 --> 01:28:38,731
Kaiser!
1386
01:28:45,446 --> 01:28:47,031
Franz, what happened?
1387
01:28:47,323 --> 01:28:49,325
I broke my leg.
1388
01:28:50,576 --> 01:28:52,160
Now we'll have
to cancel the show
1389
01:28:52,161 --> 01:28:53,621
and give everyone
their money back.
1390
01:28:54,706 --> 01:28:58,459
Money back? Money back?
Money back?
1391
01:28:58,626 --> 01:29:00,335
Don't ever say that again.
1392
01:29:00,336 --> 01:29:03,130
Money back! Never.
We got to think
of something else.
1393
01:29:03,131 --> 01:29:06,717
But Franz plays Hitler, Max,
and he has no understudy.
1394
01:29:06,718 --> 01:29:09,261
You're right.
What are we gonna do?
There must be some way out.
1395
01:29:09,262 --> 01:29:11,889
If I could only think
of something.
Some way, some...
1396
01:29:12,849 --> 01:29:16,018
Hold it. I got it.
Roger, you,
you could play Hitler.
1397
01:29:16,019 --> 01:29:17,519
You know every line
in the show.
1398
01:29:17,520 --> 01:29:18,687
I've seen you
at rehearsal,
1399
01:29:18,688 --> 01:29:20,815
always moving your lips
along with the actors.
1400
01:29:21,774 --> 01:29:24,568
I know. It's an
embarrassing habit I'm trying
to break myself of it.
1401
01:29:24,569 --> 01:29:27,446
But me play Hitler, no!
No, there's no way
I could go on tonight.
1402
01:29:27,447 --> 01:29:29,364
I don't have the strength,
I don't have the courage.
1403
01:29:29,365 --> 01:29:31,701
I can't do it! I can't do it!
I can't do it!
1404
01:29:32,035 --> 01:29:35,038
Wow, that hurt.
Roger, listen to me.
1405
01:29:36,372 --> 01:29:37,664
You can do it.
1406
01:29:37,665 --> 01:29:40,208
You know you can do it
and I know you can do it.
1407
01:29:40,209 --> 01:29:42,753
You've been waiting
all your lifetime
for this chance
1408
01:29:42,754 --> 01:29:44,756
and I'm not gonna
let you pass it up.
1409
01:29:46,716 --> 01:29:48,342
You're going out there
1410
01:29:48,343 --> 01:29:50,970
a silly hysterical
screaming queen,
1411
01:29:51,262 --> 01:29:54,057
but you're coming back
a great big,
1412
01:29:54,432 --> 01:29:57,769
passing-for-straight,
Broadway star.
1413
01:29:59,520 --> 01:30:02,397
All right. You're right.
I'll do it.
1414
01:30:02,398 --> 01:30:05,317
By God, I'll do it!
I've got to get into makeup.
1415
01:30:05,318 --> 01:30:07,402
Quick, get Franz's
Hitler moustache.
1416
01:30:07,403 --> 01:30:10,573
And, oh, my lucky
Gloria Swanson mole.
1417
01:30:12,408 --> 01:30:13,409
Got it!
1418
01:30:18,790 --> 01:30:21,918
Leo, the overture.
Let's go!
1419
01:30:36,516 --> 01:30:38,226
Max.
What?
1420
01:30:39,394 --> 01:30:40,602
This is it!
1421
01:30:42,772 --> 01:30:45,065
Good luck, Leo.
Good luck, Max.
1422
01:30:59,080 --> 01:31:02,833
Germany was having trouble
What a sad, sad story
1423
01:31:02,834 --> 01:31:06,879
Needed a new leader
to restore its former glory
1424
01:31:07,046 --> 01:31:10,257
Where, oh, where was he?
1425
01:31:10,258 --> 01:31:12,969
Where could that man be?
1426
01:31:13,219 --> 01:31:17,681
We looked around
and then we found
1427
01:31:17,682 --> 01:31:21,352
The man for you and me
1428
01:31:34,949 --> 01:31:37,325
And now
1429
01:31:37,326 --> 01:31:37,826
It's
1430
01:31:41,622 --> 01:31:46,502
Springtime for
Hitler and Germany
1431
01:31:48,379 --> 01:31:53,342
Deutschland
is happy and gay
1432
01:31:55,178 --> 01:32:00,183
We're marching
to a faster pace
1433
01:32:01,642 --> 01:32:06,689
Look out, here comes
the master race
1434
01:32:08,483 --> 01:32:13,362
Springtime for
Hitler and Germany
1435
01:32:15,406 --> 01:32:20,369
Rhineland's
a fine land once more
1436
01:32:21,996 --> 01:32:26,959
Springtime for
Hitler and Germany
1437
01:32:28,377 --> 01:32:29,878
Watch out, Europe
1438
01:32:29,879 --> 01:32:34,800
We're going on tour
1439
01:32:35,551 --> 01:32:40,515
Springtime for
Hitler and Germany
1440
01:32:41,098 --> 01:32:42,307
Look, it's springtime
1441
01:32:42,308 --> 01:32:47,230
Winter for
Poland and France
1442
01:32:49,065 --> 01:32:54,070
Springtime for
Hitler and Germany
1443
01:32:54,403 --> 01:32:57,781
Springtime! Springtime!
Springtime! Springtime!
1444
01:32:57,782 --> 01:33:00,993
Springtime! Springtime!
Springtime!
1445
01:33:02,328 --> 01:33:04,120
Come on, Germans
1446
01:33:04,121 --> 01:33:06,874
Go into your dance
1447
01:33:14,674 --> 01:33:17,593
I was born in Dusseldorf
and that is why
they call me Rolf
1448
01:33:20,429 --> 01:33:23,765
Don't be stupid,
be a smarty
Come and join the Nazi party
1449
01:33:33,985 --> 01:33:37,321
Well, I never.
Talk about bad taste.
1450
01:33:42,159 --> 01:33:45,037
Come on,
let's get out of here
before they kill us.
1451
01:34:04,849 --> 01:34:08,351
The Fuehrer is coming
The Fuehrer is coming
1452
01:34:08,352 --> 01:34:10,229
The Fuehrer is coming
1453
01:34:12,440 --> 01:34:15,610
Heil Hitler!
Heil Hitler!
1454
01:34:15,818 --> 01:34:17,361
Heil Hitler!
1455
01:34:18,696 --> 01:34:23,618
Springtime for
Hitler and Germany
1456
01:34:30,583 --> 01:34:33,044
Heil Hitler!
1457
01:34:39,175 --> 01:34:42,678
Heil myself
1458
01:34:43,721 --> 01:34:46,515
Heil to me
1459
01:34:47,475 --> 01:34:52,396
I'm the kraut who's out
to change our history
1460
01:34:52,605 --> 01:34:56,066
Heil myself,
raise your hand
1461
01:34:56,067 --> 01:34:59,944
There's no greater dictator
in the land
1462
01:34:59,945 --> 01:35:02,864
Everything I do,
I do for you
1463
01:35:02,865 --> 01:35:06,159
If you're looking for a war
here's World War II
1464
01:35:06,160 --> 01:35:09,496
Heil myself,
raise your beer
1465
01:35:09,497 --> 01:35:13,000
Every hotsy-totsy Nazi
stand and cheer
1466
01:35:15,211 --> 01:35:18,630
- Heil myself
- Every hotsy-totsy Nazi
1467
01:35:18,631 --> 01:35:22,717
Heil myself
Every hotsy-totsy Nazi
1468
01:35:22,718 --> 01:35:24,887
Stand and cheer
1469
01:35:27,223 --> 01:35:30,601
Heil myself
1470
01:35:48,911 --> 01:35:52,748
I was just a paper hanger
1471
01:35:53,833 --> 01:35:57,044
No one more obscurer
1472
01:35:57,420 --> 01:36:00,422
Got a phone call
from the Reichstag
1473
01:36:00,423 --> 01:36:05,344
Told me I was Fuehrer,
Germany was bluer
1474
01:36:06,137 --> 01:36:08,805
What, oh, what to do?
1475
01:36:08,806 --> 01:36:11,057
Hitched up my pants
1476
01:36:11,058 --> 01:36:13,476
And conquered France
1477
01:36:13,477 --> 01:36:18,441
Now Deutschland's
smiling through
1478
01:36:20,985 --> 01:36:25,823
It ain't no mystery
if it's politics or history
1479
01:36:26,031 --> 01:36:29,117
The thing you
gotta know is
1480
01:36:29,118 --> 01:36:33,121
Everything is showbiz
1481
01:36:34,665 --> 01:36:38,209
Heil myself
1482
01:36:38,210 --> 01:36:40,336
Watch my show
1483
01:36:40,337 --> 01:36:43,840
I'm the German Ethel Merman
don't you know?
1484
01:36:43,841 --> 01:36:48,804
We are crossing borders,
the new world order is here
1485
01:36:50,264 --> 01:36:51,974
Make a real big smile
1486
01:36:52,183 --> 01:36:56,187
Everyone, sing heil to me
1487
01:36:56,520 --> 01:37:01,317
Wonderful me
1488
01:37:03,486 --> 01:37:08,406
It now is springtime
1489
01:37:08,407 --> 01:37:11,911
For Hitler and Germany
1490
01:37:14,038 --> 01:37:18,834
Goose step's
the new step today
1491
01:37:21,712 --> 01:37:24,589
Bombs falling from
1492
01:37:24,590 --> 01:37:27,592
The skies again
1493
01:37:29,136 --> 01:37:32,055
Deutschland is on
1494
01:37:32,056 --> 01:37:35,476
The rise again
1495
01:37:41,357 --> 01:37:46,278
Springtime for
Hitler and Germany
1496
01:37:48,948 --> 01:37:51,867
U-boats are sailing
1497
01:37:52,284 --> 01:37:56,538
Once more
1498
01:37:56,539 --> 01:38:01,460
Springtime for
Hitler and Germany
1499
01:38:04,713 --> 01:38:07,257
Means that soon
we'll be going
1500
01:38:07,258 --> 01:38:09,217
We've got
to be going
1501
01:38:09,218 --> 01:38:13,137
You know we'll be going
You bet we'll be going
1502
01:38:13,138 --> 01:38:16,057
You know we'll be going
1503
01:38:16,058 --> 01:38:16,558
To war!
1504
01:39:28,756 --> 01:39:32,551
"A satiric masterpiece."
No way out.
1505
01:39:34,386 --> 01:39:37,848
"Surprise smash."
No way out.
1506
01:39:38,724 --> 01:39:41,310
"It was shocking,
outrageous, insulting,
1507
01:39:41,518 --> 01:39:44,897
"and I loved
every minute of it."
No way out!
1508
01:39:45,272 --> 01:39:46,815
How could this happen?
1509
01:39:47,399 --> 01:39:49,025
We picked the wrong play,
1510
01:39:49,026 --> 01:39:51,278
the wrong director,
the wrong cast...
1511
01:39:51,737 --> 01:39:53,280
Where did we go right?
1512
01:39:55,699 --> 01:39:57,910
Congratulations!
1513
01:40:08,337 --> 01:40:09,420
What are you doing?
1514
01:40:09,421 --> 01:40:12,132
I'm taking these books
and I'm leaving.
1515
01:40:12,841 --> 01:40:15,510
Don't try and stop me,
I've made up my mind.
1516
01:40:15,511 --> 01:40:17,512
Wait a minute,
where do you think
you're going?
1517
01:40:17,513 --> 01:40:19,889
I'm turning myself in.
It's the only way.
1518
01:40:19,890 --> 01:40:21,599
I'm going to play ball
with the IRS.
1519
01:40:21,600 --> 01:40:23,434
I'm going to cooperate
with the authorities.
1520
01:40:23,435 --> 01:40:24,519
They'll reduce my sentence,
1521
01:40:24,520 --> 01:40:26,270
then there's time off
for good behavior.
1522
01:40:26,271 --> 01:40:28,523
Maybe I'll get a good job
in the prison library.
1523
01:40:28,524 --> 01:40:31,860
Please keep in touch.
It's been very nice
working with you.
1524
01:40:32,695 --> 01:40:36,740
Leo. Leo. Leo.
1525
01:40:37,157 --> 01:40:41,119
Frightened Leo. Nervous Leo,
relax, take it easy.
All right?
1526
01:40:41,120 --> 01:40:43,371
You're overwrought.
You don't know
what you're doing.
1527
01:40:43,372 --> 01:40:46,833
You're acting out of panic.
Give me those freaking books!
1528
01:40:46,834 --> 01:40:48,627
Give me! Give me!
1529
01:40:49,753 --> 01:40:52,046
I never should have
listened to you!
1530
01:40:52,047 --> 01:40:54,507
I was an honest man
before I met you.
1531
01:40:54,508 --> 01:40:57,302
An honest man?
You were an honest mouse!
1532
01:40:58,721 --> 01:41:03,225
How I hate you!
Double! Double! Double!
1533
01:41:13,444 --> 01:41:16,280
Fat! Fat!
1534
01:41:16,572 --> 01:41:19,533
I'm not that fat.
Fat!
1535
01:41:22,244 --> 01:41:23,746
Fat!
1536
01:41:24,621 --> 01:41:25,956
Fatty!
1537
01:41:26,790 --> 01:41:30,918
Fatso! You fat, fat,
fatty, fatty, fat walrus!
1538
01:41:30,919 --> 01:41:33,421
- Give me the fat books!
- Never! Never!
1539
01:41:33,422 --> 01:41:35,799
Fat, fat, fatty fat!
1540
01:41:37,259 --> 01:41:38,676
- Jesus!
- Give them to me!
1541
01:41:38,677 --> 01:41:40,928
- Give me the books, man!
- Congratulations!
1542
01:41:40,929 --> 01:41:42,430
Congratulations!
1543
01:41:42,431 --> 01:41:46,517
Give it to me. Give it to me.
No. No.
1544
01:41:46,518 --> 01:41:48,687
Now that's what
I call celebrating.
1545
01:41:50,606 --> 01:41:55,651
You lousy fruit.
You ruined me.
You ungrateful breeder!
1546
01:41:55,652 --> 01:41:57,403
After he stepped in
and saved your little show...
1547
01:41:57,404 --> 01:41:58,780
I cannot...
Let go my chains!
1548
01:41:58,781 --> 01:41:59,864
Leave him alone.
1549
01:41:59,865 --> 01:42:01,407
My chains!
1550
01:42:06,705 --> 01:42:09,999
You have broken
the Siegfried Oath!
You must die!
1551
01:42:10,000 --> 01:42:11,709
You all must die!
1552
01:42:18,550 --> 01:42:21,636
What are you doing,
you neo-Nazi nitwit?
1553
01:42:21,637 --> 01:42:24,138
Your show's a hit!
Who cares?
1554
01:42:24,139 --> 01:42:27,434
You made a fool
out of Hitler!
He didn't need our help.
1555
01:42:31,230 --> 01:42:34,566
Stand still!
How can I shoot you
if you keep moving?
1556
01:42:35,692 --> 01:42:39,279
Get back here!
Under the desk!
Under the desk!
1557
01:42:40,197 --> 01:42:42,699
Darling, quick,
back in the closet.
Okay.
1558
01:42:47,830 --> 01:42:51,500
This is no good.
I'm not killing anybody.
1559
01:42:52,626 --> 01:42:54,461
You must cooperate!
1560
01:42:57,881 --> 01:43:00,342
All right,
Bialystock und Bloom.
1561
01:43:00,759 --> 01:43:04,263
Now I got you.
Say your prayers!
1562
01:43:04,638 --> 01:43:06,722
Remember I told you,
I'd tell you
when we're in too deep?
1563
01:43:06,723 --> 01:43:08,307
Yeah?
We're in too deep.
1564
01:43:08,308 --> 01:43:11,435
- Auf Wiedersehen.
- Franz, don't do it, please.
1565
01:43:11,436 --> 01:43:14,605
I beg you. No.
No.
1566
01:43:17,109 --> 01:43:19,236
You sniveling cowards!
1567
01:43:19,736 --> 01:43:21,654
Cringing under a desk!
1568
01:43:21,655 --> 01:43:24,825
Clinging to life
like baby butterflies.
1569
01:43:25,909 --> 01:43:29,413
Franz Liebkind will show you
how to die like a man!
1570
01:43:36,879 --> 01:43:39,840
It's jammed.
Boy, when things go wrong...
1571
01:43:41,717 --> 01:43:44,136
That's it! Next time,
no author.
1572
01:43:47,347 --> 01:43:49,765
What are you
shooting at us for,
anyway?
1573
01:43:49,766 --> 01:43:51,517
You Teutonic twit!
1574
01:43:52,811 --> 01:43:54,521
Wait. Wait a minute.
1575
01:43:55,022 --> 01:43:58,567
I just got an idea.
A way to close the show!
1576
01:43:59,109 --> 01:44:00,193
Franz.
1577
01:44:03,071 --> 01:44:06,909
There, there.
Where? Where?
1578
01:44:08,368 --> 01:44:09,870
Franz, listen to me.
1579
01:44:10,370 --> 01:44:12,872
Why don't you use this
where it'll do some good?
1580
01:44:12,873 --> 01:44:15,708
Why don't you
shoot the actors?
The actors?
1581
01:44:15,709 --> 01:44:17,376
Yes, the actors!
1582
01:44:17,377 --> 01:44:19,879
Everybody laughed
at your beloved
Fuehrer tonight.
1583
01:44:19,880 --> 01:44:23,550
And why? Because
of the actors. The actors
were making fun of him.
1584
01:44:23,717 --> 01:44:28,471
Yeah, you're right.
The actors!
Yes. Here, go, buy bullets.
1585
01:44:28,472 --> 01:44:32,016
Kill. Kill all the actors.
I must kill all the actors.
1586
01:44:32,017 --> 01:44:34,560
Yeah.
Wait a minute.
1587
01:44:35,687 --> 01:44:39,065
What are you talking about?
What do you mean,
kill the actors?
1588
01:44:39,066 --> 01:44:41,776
You can't kill the actors.
Actors are not animals.
1589
01:44:41,777 --> 01:44:43,736
They're human beings.
They are?
1590
01:44:43,737 --> 01:44:46,739
Have you ever eaten with one?
Here, listen...
1591
01:44:46,740 --> 01:44:49,158
- Open up, it's the police.
- The police!
1592
01:44:49,159 --> 01:44:50,911
I said open up that door.
1593
01:44:51,578 --> 01:44:53,079
- Come on, boys!
- I was never a member
1594
01:44:53,080 --> 01:44:54,997
of the Nazi party.
I had nothing to do...
1595
01:44:54,998 --> 01:44:56,540
You, drop that gun.
1596
01:44:58,877 --> 01:45:00,002
Officer!
1597
01:45:00,003 --> 01:45:02,046
What's going on here?
This crazy kraut is crackers!
1598
01:45:02,047 --> 01:45:04,423
He crashed in here,
and crassly tried to kill us.
1599
01:45:04,424 --> 01:45:07,051
Oh, Roger, what alliteration.
Thank you, darling.
1600
01:45:09,846 --> 01:45:13,308
Okay! Youse two can go.
Thank you.
1601
01:45:15,102 --> 01:45:16,770
Tried to kill him, eh?
1602
01:45:18,355 --> 01:45:21,774
Officer O'Rourke,
take this man in.
Next stop, Sing Sing.
1603
01:45:21,775 --> 01:45:25,821
Sing Sing. Nein.
You'll never take me alive.
1604
01:45:31,952 --> 01:45:33,203
What happened?
1605
01:45:33,537 --> 01:45:35,789
I broke my other leg.
1606
01:45:42,004 --> 01:45:45,299
All right, who are you?
And why was he trying
to shoot you?
1607
01:45:45,757 --> 01:45:49,802
I haven't the slightest idea,
Sergeant O'Toole.
1608
01:45:49,803 --> 01:45:52,681
The name is O'Bialystock.
1609
01:45:53,181 --> 01:45:57,226
I was just passing by
on me way to the Pat O'Brien
film festival
1610
01:45:57,227 --> 01:46:01,188
and I ducked in to see
what the hell was going on.
1611
01:46:01,189 --> 01:46:03,190
And now I'll be
on me way
1612
01:46:03,191 --> 01:46:05,360
before me voice
gets any higher.
1613
01:46:08,030 --> 01:46:10,615
As we say
in the old country,
"Taxi."
1614
01:46:11,283 --> 01:46:12,284
Hold it!
1615
01:46:12,784 --> 01:46:15,161
Hey, Sarge, look at this.
What?
1616
01:46:15,162 --> 01:46:20,042
I found these two accounting
books. This one says,
"Show to the IRS."
1617
01:46:20,250 --> 01:46:25,213
And what's the other one say?
"Never show to the IRS."
1618
01:46:25,672 --> 01:46:28,591
I think the three of you
better come downtown with me.
1619
01:46:28,592 --> 01:46:32,137
Three?
Yeah. You and them two books.
1620
01:46:40,187 --> 01:46:41,897
Mr. Bialystock?
1621
01:46:43,273 --> 01:46:46,735
Mr. Bloom? Where are you?
1622
01:46:47,944 --> 01:46:51,573
Everyone is waiting for you
at the opening night party.
1623
01:46:51,948 --> 01:46:54,201
Ulla, help me.
1624
01:47:00,540 --> 01:47:02,292
What happened to you?
1625
01:47:04,294 --> 01:47:05,379
I know.
1626
01:47:05,962 --> 01:47:09,091
You hung up your coat
while you were still in it.
1627
01:47:21,478 --> 01:47:23,438
Thank you
for helping me down.
1628
01:47:32,823 --> 01:47:35,492
What were you doing up there?
Hiding.
1629
01:47:36,076 --> 01:47:39,829
I was hiding.
From who? From what?
1630
01:47:39,830 --> 01:47:43,708
From the police.
They were just here.
They've arrested Max.
1631
01:47:44,626 --> 01:47:48,171
They found the books.
I don't know what to do.
Poor Max.
1632
01:47:48,463 --> 01:47:51,340
Maybe I should
turn myself in
and go to jail with him.
1633
01:47:51,341 --> 01:47:55,971
Well, my sweet cupcake,
I know we both love Max.
1634
01:47:56,221 --> 01:48:00,517
But, it seems to me
you have two choices.
1635
01:48:00,851 --> 01:48:05,021
Number one,
you can go to jail
with Mr. Bialystock
1636
01:48:05,313 --> 01:48:09,109
for years
and years and years.
1637
01:48:09,734 --> 01:48:12,195
Or, number two,
1638
01:48:12,612 --> 01:48:15,239
you can take
that $2 million
1639
01:48:15,240 --> 01:48:17,701
and Ulla and go to Rio.
1640
01:48:18,535 --> 01:48:21,413
Oh, my God.
What a dilemma.
1641
01:48:22,914 --> 01:48:24,458
Oh, what should I do?
1642
01:48:24,749 --> 01:48:27,919
Should I go to jail
or go to Rio?
1643
01:48:31,256 --> 01:48:32,674
Mail call.
1644
01:48:33,967 --> 01:48:36,219
Hey, fatso.
1645
01:48:37,846 --> 01:48:40,932
I'm not that fat!
Says you.
1646
01:48:42,184 --> 01:48:43,685
You got a postcard.
1647
01:48:44,519 --> 01:48:47,731
A postcard. From where?
Brazil.
1648
01:48:49,566 --> 01:48:53,612
Brazil.
Who do I know in Brazil?
1649
01:48:55,280 --> 01:48:56,990
Why am I asking you?
1650
01:49:02,954 --> 01:49:06,625
"Dear Max, Rio was everything
you said it was and more.
1651
01:49:06,833 --> 01:49:09,920
"Ulla and I think of you
every chance we get.
1652
01:49:15,425 --> 01:49:18,677
"In the morning, when we have
breakfast on our terrace.
1653
01:49:18,678 --> 01:49:20,388
"Many different herrings.
1654
01:49:21,181 --> 01:49:25,601
"In the afternoon,
when we rub each others
sun-drenched bodies
1655
01:49:25,602 --> 01:49:28,230
"with banana cream
coconut oil.
1656
01:49:28,813 --> 01:49:30,941
"Number 15.
1657
01:49:33,235 --> 01:49:35,237
"And then in the evening
1658
01:49:35,445 --> 01:49:37,948
"when we samba together
in the moonlight."
1659
01:49:38,281 --> 01:49:41,617
You'll find your happiness
in Rio
1660
01:49:41,618 --> 01:49:45,079
The beaches there
are strewn with pearls
1661
01:49:45,080 --> 01:49:48,541
The tropic breezes
always blow there
1662
01:49:48,542 --> 01:49:52,295
And, so we hear,
do the girls
1663
01:49:52,546 --> 01:49:55,131
"Sorry, must run.
Ulla's waiting.
1664
01:49:56,174 --> 01:49:58,301
"It's almost 11:00.
1665
01:50:01,304 --> 01:50:04,766
"Wish you were here.
Your pal,
1666
01:50:05,934 --> 01:50:07,143
"Leo."
1667
01:50:09,062 --> 01:50:13,316
Just like Cain and Abel
You pulled a sneak attack
1668
01:50:13,650 --> 01:50:16,360
I thought
that we were brothers
1669
01:50:16,361 --> 01:50:19,990
Then you stabbed me
in the back
1670
01:50:20,156 --> 01:50:24,286
Betrayed
1671
01:50:24,828 --> 01:50:26,913
Oh, boy, I'm so betrayed
1672
01:50:28,748 --> 01:50:31,667
Like Samson and Delilah
Your love began to fade
1673
01:50:31,668 --> 01:50:34,503
I'm crying in the hoosegow,
You're in Rio getting laid
1674
01:50:34,504 --> 01:50:36,714
Betrayed!
1675
01:50:36,715 --> 01:50:39,634
Let's face it,
I'm betrayed
1676
01:50:40,719 --> 01:50:42,678
Boy
1677
01:50:42,679 --> 01:50:45,724
Have I been taken
1678
01:50:48,476 --> 01:50:50,894
I'm so forsaken
1679
01:50:50,895 --> 01:50:52,521
I should have seen
what came to pass
1680
01:50:52,522 --> 01:50:54,106
I should have known
to watch my ass
1681
01:50:54,107 --> 01:50:56,900
I feel like Othello
Everything is lost
1682
01:50:56,901 --> 01:51:00,029
Leo is Iago,
Max is double-crossed
1683
01:51:00,030 --> 01:51:04,199
I'm so dismayed
Did I mention I'm betrayed?
1684
01:51:04,200 --> 01:51:07,453
Now I'm about to go to jail
There's no one who will pay
my bail
1685
01:51:07,454 --> 01:51:09,204
I have no one
who I can cry to
1686
01:51:09,205 --> 01:51:11,541
No one I can say
goodbye to
1687
01:51:11,833 --> 01:51:15,210
I'm drowning. I'm drowning.
1688
01:51:15,211 --> 01:51:17,047
I'm drowning here.
1689
01:51:17,505 --> 01:51:20,050
I'm going down
for the last time.
1690
01:51:21,843 --> 01:51:25,221
I see my whole life
flashing before my eyes.
1691
01:51:26,640 --> 01:51:27,724
I see
1692
01:51:28,516 --> 01:51:31,436
a weathered old farmhouse
with a white picket fence.
1693
01:51:32,562 --> 01:51:36,066
I'm running through fields
of alfalfa with my collie,
Rex.
1694
01:51:37,233 --> 01:51:39,319
No, Rex, not on the alfalfa.
1695
01:51:40,570 --> 01:51:43,948
And, I see my mother.
1696
01:51:44,491 --> 01:51:48,161
I see Mama standing
on the back porch
1697
01:51:48,411 --> 01:51:51,580
in a worn but clean
gingham gown.
1698
01:51:51,581 --> 01:51:54,875
And I hear my mama
calling out to me.
1699
01:51:54,876 --> 01:51:58,587
Alvin!
Don't forget your chores.
1700
01:51:58,588 --> 01:52:01,757
The wood needs a-cording
and the cows need a-milking!
1701
01:52:01,758 --> 01:52:05,053
Alvin! Alvin!
1702
01:52:06,096 --> 01:52:09,057
Wait a minute.
My name's not Alvin.
1703
01:52:10,100 --> 01:52:11,559
That's not my life.
1704
01:52:12,560 --> 01:52:15,271
Somebody else's life
is flashing before my eyes.
1705
01:52:17,774 --> 01:52:20,235
What the hell is that about?
1706
01:52:21,319 --> 01:52:23,863
I'm not a hillbilly.
I grew up in the Bronx.
1707
01:52:24,614 --> 01:52:28,410
Leo's taken everything.
Even my past.
1708
01:52:28,952 --> 01:52:33,748
My past's a dying ember
1709
01:52:34,916 --> 01:52:39,628
But wait, now I remember
1710
01:52:39,629 --> 01:52:42,256
How did it begin?
He walked into my office
1711
01:52:42,257 --> 01:52:43,966
With his cockamamie scheme
1712
01:52:43,967 --> 01:52:46,635
"You can make more money
With a flop than with a hit"
1713
01:52:46,636 --> 01:52:49,096
We can do it, we can do it
1714
01:52:49,097 --> 01:52:50,222
"I can't do it"
1715
01:52:50,223 --> 01:52:51,306
We can do it!
1716
01:52:51,307 --> 01:52:52,558
"I can't do it"
1717
01:52:52,559 --> 01:52:53,685
"Goodbye, Max."
1718
01:52:54,227 --> 01:52:56,812
Lord, I want that money!
"I'm back, Max"
1719
01:52:56,813 --> 01:53:00,524
Come on, Leo, we can do it
Step one, find the play
1720
01:53:00,525 --> 01:53:03,944
See it, smell it,
touch it, kiss it
Hello, Mister Liebkind
1721
01:53:03,945 --> 01:53:05,237
Guten Tag hop hop
Guten Tag clop clop
1722
01:53:05,238 --> 01:53:07,239
Adolf Elizabeth Hitler?
1723
01:53:07,240 --> 01:53:08,741
Guten Tag hop hop
Guten Tag clop clop
1724
01:53:08,742 --> 01:53:10,659
Step two, hire the director.
1725
01:53:10,660 --> 01:53:12,494
Keep it gay
keep it gay, keep it
1726
01:53:12,495 --> 01:53:14,663
Two, three, kick, turn
Turn, turn, kick, turn
1727
01:53:14,664 --> 01:53:15,748
Ulla!
1728
01:53:15,749 --> 01:53:16,957
Wow wow wowee.
1729
01:53:16,958 --> 01:53:19,042
Step three, raise the money.
1730
01:53:19,043 --> 01:53:21,378
Along came Bialy
1731
01:53:21,379 --> 01:53:23,839
Step four,
hire all the actors!
1732
01:53:23,840 --> 01:53:26,383
A wandering minstrel, I
A thing of shreds and
1733
01:53:26,384 --> 01:53:28,428
Next!
The Little Wooden Boy
1734
01:53:28,636 --> 01:53:31,054
Next! That's our Hitler
1735
01:53:31,055 --> 01:53:33,099
Break a leg! "I broke my leg."
1736
01:53:33,391 --> 01:53:36,727
Springtime for Hitler
and Germany
A surprise smash
1737
01:53:36,728 --> 01:53:40,063
Springtime for Hitler
and Germany
It'll run for years
1738
01:53:40,064 --> 01:53:43,275
Where did we go right?
1739
01:53:43,276 --> 01:53:46,570
Give me those books
Fat, fat, fatty
1740
01:53:46,571 --> 01:53:49,990
Books, fat, books, fat
Books, fat, books, fat
1741
01:53:49,991 --> 01:53:51,867
Lousy fruit,
kill the actors
1742
01:53:51,868 --> 01:53:52,994
You ever eat with one?
1743
01:53:53,286 --> 01:53:56,331
Then you ran to Rio
and you're safely out
of reach
1744
01:53:56,581 --> 01:53:58,332
I'm behind these bars
1745
01:53:58,333 --> 01:54:02,086
You're banging Ulla
on the beach!
1746
01:54:03,254 --> 01:54:07,090
Just like Julius Caesar
1747
01:54:07,091 --> 01:54:09,468
Was betrayed by Brutus
1748
01:54:09,469 --> 01:54:12,971
Who'd think an accountant
would turn out to be
my Judas
1749
01:54:12,972 --> 01:54:15,099
I'm so dismayed
1750
01:54:15,683 --> 01:54:20,103
Is this how I'm repaid?
1751
01:54:20,104 --> 01:54:21,689
To be
1752
01:54:22,065 --> 01:54:22,609
Betrayed
1753
01:54:29,906 --> 01:54:31,908
Betrayed
1754
01:54:34,327 --> 01:54:37,914
Gentlemen of the jury,
have you reached your verdict?
1755
01:54:38,331 --> 01:54:40,625
Yes, Your Honor, we have.
1756
01:54:41,835 --> 01:54:46,005
We find the defendant
incredibly guilty.
1757
01:54:47,507 --> 01:54:48,842
No.
1758
01:54:49,467 --> 01:54:51,636
Hold me, touch me.
1759
01:54:53,012 --> 01:54:54,430
I'm a little busy.
1760
01:54:55,515 --> 01:54:59,769
Does the defendant
have anything to say
on his own behalf?
1761
01:55:01,354 --> 01:55:03,022
Yes, Your Honor, I do.
1762
01:55:04,732 --> 01:55:07,693
I admit for the last
20 years
1763
01:55:07,694 --> 01:55:10,529
I've been a lying,
double-crossing, two-faced
1764
01:55:10,530 --> 01:55:12,532
backstabbing,
despicable crook.
1765
01:55:13,241 --> 01:55:14,742
But I had no choice.
1766
01:55:16,077 --> 01:55:18,162
I was a Broadway producer.
1767
01:55:20,039 --> 01:55:21,748
A man without a conscience,
1768
01:55:21,749 --> 01:55:23,960
and with no one
who gave a damn about him.
1769
01:55:24,419 --> 01:55:26,963
And that Your Honor,
is what hurts the most.
1770
01:55:27,672 --> 01:55:30,633
I thought I'd at last found
a loyal partner.
1771
01:55:32,218 --> 01:55:34,053
A man I cared about, and,
1772
01:55:35,054 --> 01:55:36,931
who I thought cared about me.
1773
01:55:37,557 --> 01:55:40,100
And what breaks my heart,
is that now when I need
him most,
1774
01:55:40,101 --> 01:55:41,560
he's deserted me.
1775
01:55:41,561 --> 01:55:44,354
And I will probably never see
or hear from him ever again.
1776
01:55:44,355 --> 01:55:45,856
That's not true!
1777
01:55:50,194 --> 01:55:52,405
Order! Order in the court!
1778
01:55:52,906 --> 01:55:55,073
And stop that samba!
1779
01:55:56,242 --> 01:55:59,412
Who are you?
I am Leopold Bloom.
1780
01:55:59,662 --> 01:56:01,664
Max Bialystock's partner.
1781
01:56:02,749 --> 01:56:04,792
And who are you my dear?
1782
01:56:05,084 --> 01:56:09,171
My name is Ulla Inga
Hansen Benson Yansen...
1783
01:56:09,172 --> 01:56:11,507
Tallen Hallen
Svaden Swanson...
1784
01:56:12,675 --> 01:56:14,886
Bloom.
Bloom?
1785
01:56:15,970 --> 01:56:19,056
You're his wife?
Ja, Your Honor.
1786
01:56:19,057 --> 01:56:21,643
He wouldn't do it
unless we got married.
1787
01:56:22,852 --> 01:56:24,145
What a schmuck.
1788
01:56:26,147 --> 01:56:29,983
Now, Mr. Bloom,
why in the world would
you want to come back here
1789
01:56:29,984 --> 01:56:34,238
- and give yourself up?
- Why? To speak on his behalf.
1790
01:56:34,864 --> 01:56:39,744
We all know
that Max Bialystock
is a lying, double-crossing
1791
01:56:39,994 --> 01:56:43,664
two-faced,
slimy, manipulative
1792
01:56:43,665 --> 01:56:45,458
under-handed...
Please,
1793
01:56:46,834 --> 01:56:48,086
don't help me.
1794
01:56:50,254 --> 01:56:53,633
Your Honor, Your Honor,
if I may address the court.
1795
01:56:54,509 --> 01:56:56,177
The law was created
1796
01:56:56,678 --> 01:56:59,681
to protect people
from being wronged.
1797
01:57:00,348 --> 01:57:03,810
So whom has
Max Bialystock wronged?
1798
01:57:04,519 --> 01:57:07,104
- Well, not these dear ladies.
- No.
1799
01:57:07,105 --> 01:57:08,731
No, and not me. Not...
1800
01:57:10,358 --> 01:57:11,484
Not me.
1801
01:57:12,694 --> 01:57:14,195
I was this nobody.
1802
01:57:14,904 --> 01:57:17,281
No one ever called me
Leo before...
1803
01:57:18,491 --> 01:57:21,201
I mean, your Honor,
I know it isn't a big
legal point,
1804
01:57:21,202 --> 01:57:25,832
but even when I was
in kindergarten, everybody
always called me Bloom.
1805
01:57:26,374 --> 01:57:30,420
I guess what I'm trying
to say is that, even
when I was in Rio
1806
01:57:30,628 --> 01:57:34,507
and had everything
I'd ever dreamed of,
1807
01:57:38,553 --> 01:57:42,432
I suddenly realized
that this man...
1808
01:57:44,392 --> 01:57:45,560
This man...
1809
01:57:46,853 --> 01:57:50,148
No one ever made me
feel like someone
1810
01:57:50,732 --> 01:57:52,817
Till him
1811
01:57:55,194 --> 01:57:58,531
Life was really nothing
but a glum one
1812
01:57:58,823 --> 01:58:01,325
Till him
1813
01:58:03,202 --> 01:58:06,581
My existence bordered
on the tragic
1814
01:58:07,415 --> 01:58:10,501
Always timid,
never took a chance
1815
01:58:11,502 --> 01:58:13,712
Then I felt his magic
1816
01:58:13,713 --> 01:58:18,509
And my heart
began to dance
1817
01:58:19,761 --> 01:58:23,222
I was always frightened,
fraught with worry
1818
01:58:23,389 --> 01:58:26,559
Till him
1819
01:58:28,061 --> 01:58:31,730
I was going nowhere
in a hurry
1820
01:58:31,731 --> 01:58:32,275
Till him
1821
01:58:36,486 --> 01:58:41,031
He filled up my empty life
1822
01:58:41,032 --> 01:58:45,912
Filled it to the brim
1823
01:58:46,370 --> 01:58:49,122
There could never ever be
1824
01:58:49,123 --> 01:58:52,710
Another one
1825
01:58:54,378 --> 01:58:54,922
Like him
1826
01:59:03,471 --> 01:59:04,680
Leo.
1827
01:59:11,562 --> 01:59:14,857
Leo, I never realized,
1828
01:59:17,068 --> 01:59:18,653
you're a good singer.
1829
01:59:19,821 --> 01:59:20,987
Thank you.
1830
01:59:20,988 --> 01:59:23,324
No, really,
like a professional.
1831
01:59:23,533 --> 01:59:27,203
Well, I sang it for you,
Max. I sang it because
I'm your friend.
1832
01:59:29,747 --> 01:59:30,748
You are?
1833
01:59:33,000 --> 01:59:35,294
I've had a lot
of relationships, but...
1834
01:59:35,628 --> 01:59:37,504
You couldn't call
any of them friend.
1835
01:59:37,505 --> 01:59:39,215
But come to think of it,
1836
01:59:39,882 --> 01:59:43,094
no one ever,
ever really knew me.
1837
01:59:43,594 --> 01:59:48,391
Till him
1838
01:59:48,891 --> 01:59:52,978
Everyone was always
out to screw me
1839
01:59:52,979 --> 01:59:56,732
Till him
1840
01:59:58,067 --> 02:00:02,904
Never met a man
I ever trusted
1841
02:00:02,905 --> 02:00:06,409
Always dealt with shysters
in the past
1842
02:00:07,410 --> 02:00:12,372
Now I'm well adjusted
'cause I've got a friend
1843
02:00:12,373 --> 02:00:12,873
At last
1844
02:00:20,047 --> 02:00:21,257
Don't help me.
1845
02:00:22,258 --> 02:00:26,179
Always playing singles
never doubles
1846
02:00:26,721 --> 02:00:29,557
Till him
1847
02:00:44,155 --> 02:00:48,783
Never had a pal
to share my troubles
1848
02:00:48,784 --> 02:00:49,328
Till him
1849
02:00:53,956 --> 02:00:58,753
He filled up my empty life
1850
02:00:59,295 --> 02:01:04,175
Filled it to the brim
1851
02:01:04,926 --> 02:01:07,677
There could never ever be
1852
02:01:07,678 --> 02:01:12,475
Another one
1853
02:01:15,895 --> 02:01:16,439
Like him
1854
02:01:31,077 --> 02:01:33,828
Gentlemen, it breaks my heart
to break up
1855
02:01:33,829 --> 02:01:36,707
such a beautiful friendship,
so I won't.
1856
02:01:37,667 --> 02:01:40,503
Five years in the
State Penitentiary
at Sing Sing.
1857
02:01:42,630 --> 02:01:46,132
Gotta sing sing
1858
02:01:46,133 --> 02:01:49,720
Gotta sing sing
1859
02:01:49,929 --> 02:01:53,849
Oh, you can lock us up
und lose the key
1860
02:01:54,183 --> 02:01:57,560
But hearts in love
are always free
1861
02:01:57,561 --> 02:01:58,562
Come on, boys!
1862
02:01:58,729 --> 02:02:02,108
Prisoners of love,
blue skies above
1863
02:02:02,275 --> 02:02:05,902
'Cause we're still prisoners
of love
1864
02:02:05,903 --> 02:02:07,280
Congratulations.
1865
02:02:09,657 --> 02:02:11,951
You now own 45%
1866
02:02:14,996 --> 02:02:18,832
of Prisoners Of Love. Next!
How much have
you sold so far?
1867
02:02:18,833 --> 02:02:20,667
600%.
Is that all?
1868
02:02:20,668 --> 02:02:22,712
Keep selling.
Keep selling.
1869
02:02:24,714 --> 02:02:25,881
Break it up!
1870
02:02:27,091 --> 02:02:28,300
Give me that!
1871
02:02:28,301 --> 02:02:30,510
How many times
do I have to tell you guys?
1872
02:02:30,511 --> 02:02:32,388
No knife fights
in rehearsal.
1873
02:02:35,808 --> 02:02:38,852
Hi, what are you in for,
lack of rhythm? Get in line.
1874
02:02:38,853 --> 02:02:40,687
Everybody get in line,
right away.
1875
02:02:40,688 --> 02:02:43,231
All right you animals,
let's take it all together
now.
1876
02:02:43,232 --> 02:02:45,484
From the top!
Hit it, Franz.
1877
02:02:47,361 --> 02:02:51,364
Prisoners of love
Blue skies above
1878
02:02:51,365 --> 02:02:53,366
Can't keep our hearts
in jail
1879
02:02:53,367 --> 02:02:55,327
Tempo fellows.
Pick up that tempo!
1880
02:02:55,328 --> 02:02:57,203
Prisoners of love
That's it!
1881
02:02:57,204 --> 02:02:58,705
Our turtle doves
1882
02:02:58,706 --> 02:03:02,083
Okay, just the murderers!
Hey, you.
1883
02:03:02,084 --> 02:03:04,545
The warden wants to get
in on this thing.
1884
02:03:08,132 --> 02:03:11,384
Tell the warden he now owns
100% of Prisoners Of Love.
1885
02:03:11,385 --> 02:03:13,846
Thank you.
Sing out, criminals.
1886
02:03:14,013 --> 02:03:17,350
Let them hear you
in solitary!
Take it home, boys.
1887
02:03:17,558 --> 02:03:20,895
We open at Leavenworth
on Saturday night!
1888
02:03:21,687 --> 02:03:25,774
Hey, Bialystock, Bloom,
Liebkind. Good news.
1889
02:03:25,775 --> 02:03:27,400
This just came
from the Governor.
1890
02:03:27,401 --> 02:03:29,944
"Gentlemen, you are hereby
granted a full pardon
1891
02:03:29,945 --> 02:03:33,365
"for having,
through song and dance,
brought joy and laughter
1892
02:03:33,366 --> 02:03:37,285
"into the hearts
of every murderer, rapist
and sex maniac in Sing Sing."
1893
02:03:37,286 --> 02:03:39,413
- You're free.
- Free!
1894
02:03:39,914 --> 02:03:43,250
Next stop,
Prisoners Of Love on Broadway!
1895
02:03:43,959 --> 02:03:46,921
Adolf, you must tell
the other birds!
1896
02:03:47,630 --> 02:03:52,134
But hearts in love
are always free
1897
02:03:58,349 --> 02:04:02,520
Got to Sing Sing
1898
02:04:02,770 --> 02:04:06,564
Sing Sing
1899
02:04:06,565 --> 02:04:09,901
Prisoners of love
Blue skies above
1900
02:04:09,902 --> 02:04:12,278
Can't keep our hearts
in jail
1901
02:04:12,279 --> 02:04:14,072
Can't keep our hearts
in jail
1902
02:04:14,073 --> 02:04:17,618
Prisoners of love,
our turtle doves
1903
02:04:17,785 --> 02:04:21,037
Soon coming round
with bail
Tote that bail
1904
02:04:21,038 --> 02:04:24,458
You can lock us up
and lose the key
1905
02:04:24,792 --> 02:04:28,212
But hearts in love
are always free
1906
02:04:28,796 --> 02:04:32,465
Prisoners of love
Blue skies above
1907
02:04:32,466 --> 02:04:34,509
'Cause
we're still prisoners
1908
02:04:34,510 --> 02:04:36,428
We're still prisoners
1909
02:04:36,429 --> 02:04:41,267
We're still
prisoners of love,
love, love, love
1910
02:05:08,002 --> 02:05:11,797
Leo and Max,
up off our backs
1911
02:05:12,047 --> 02:05:15,885
Back on the great
white way
1912
02:05:16,051 --> 02:05:19,972
Leo and Max,
back on our tracks
1913
02:05:20,181 --> 02:05:23,558
We're back on top to stay
1914
02:05:23,559 --> 02:05:27,937
So when we take
your money, never fear
1915
02:05:27,938 --> 02:05:31,900
We'll knock Broadway
right on its ear
1916
02:05:31,901 --> 02:05:33,985
The cast is great,
the script is swell
1917
02:05:33,986 --> 02:05:35,904
But this we're telling you,
sirs
1918
02:05:35,905 --> 02:05:40,534
It's just no go,
you've got no show
Without the producers
1919
02:05:43,537 --> 02:05:45,748
We'll never quit
1920
02:05:46,540 --> 02:05:48,334
Hit after hit
1921
02:05:52,254 --> 02:05:56,090
The producers, Leo
1922
02:05:56,091 --> 02:05:58,761
And Max
1923
02:07:46,952 --> 02:07:51,206
The overture is over
The curtain starts to rise
1924
02:07:51,373 --> 02:07:56,170
You're suddenly in clover
You can't believe your eyes
1925
02:07:56,337 --> 02:08:00,923
You're sitting on the aisle
You break into a smile
1926
02:08:00,924 --> 02:08:05,721
Why this magic feeling?
And then you realize
1927
02:08:07,473 --> 02:08:10,767
That there is
1928
02:08:10,768 --> 02:08:15,146
Nothing like a show
on Broadway
1929
02:08:15,147 --> 02:08:19,359
Nothing like
a Broadway show
1930
02:08:19,360 --> 02:08:23,071
Hearts will skip
a beat on Broadway
1931
02:08:23,072 --> 02:08:25,948
If you're feeling blue,
I'm telling you
1932
02:08:25,949 --> 02:08:27,825
That's the place to go
1933
02:08:27,826 --> 02:08:31,913
Movies drag,
their endings sag,
TV's just a bore
1934
02:08:31,914 --> 02:08:34,290
So hit the street
And move your feet
1935
02:08:34,291 --> 02:08:35,833
To the place we all adore
1936
02:08:35,834 --> 02:08:39,755
Because there's nothing
like a show on Broadway
1937
02:08:40,130 --> 02:08:43,759
There's nothing
like a Broadway show
1938
02:08:44,802 --> 02:08:46,636
It's often been said
The theater is dead
1939
02:08:46,637 --> 02:08:48,638
The critics repeat it
en masse
1940
02:08:48,639 --> 02:08:50,515
But the theater's alive
It's gonna survive
1941
02:08:50,516 --> 02:08:52,141
Although it's a pain
in the ass
1942
02:08:52,142 --> 02:08:54,310
You waited forever
and finally got tickets
1943
02:08:54,311 --> 02:08:55,978
To get to your seat
you gotta cross pickets
1944
02:08:55,979 --> 02:08:57,980
The guy to your right
Is frightfully tight
1945
02:08:57,981 --> 02:09:00,192
The guy to your left
appears to have rickets
1946
02:09:00,818 --> 02:09:02,985
The music's yuck
The lyrics suck
1947
02:09:02,986 --> 02:09:05,029
The casting is all wrong
1948
02:09:05,030 --> 02:09:08,825
And when
you reach the bathroom
The line is five miles long
1949
02:09:08,826 --> 02:09:12,287
But still there's nothing
like a show on Broadway
1950
02:09:12,996 --> 02:09:15,666
There's nothing
like a Broadway show
1951
02:09:17,126 --> 02:09:19,043
You swear
you'll never go again
1952
02:09:19,044 --> 02:09:21,045
It's simply
not worthwhile
1953
02:09:21,046 --> 02:09:23,131
You make that vow
And then somehow
1954
02:09:23,132 --> 02:09:26,176
You're back there
on the aisle
1955
02:09:28,053 --> 02:09:31,347
That's why there's
1956
02:09:31,348 --> 02:09:35,393
Nothing like a show
on Broadway
1957
02:09:35,394 --> 02:09:38,187
There's nothing
like a Broadway show
1958
02:09:38,188 --> 02:09:39,897
Till you're in movies
1959
02:09:39,898 --> 02:09:44,193
There's nothing
like a Broadway show
1960
02:09:44,194 --> 02:09:47,948
And though it is expensive
at a hundred bucks a throw
1961
02:09:48,365 --> 02:09:50,868
There's nothing
1962
02:09:51,285 --> 02:09:54,621
Like a Broadway show
1963
02:10:10,262 --> 02:10:14,099
Guten Tag hop hop
1964
02:10:14,600 --> 02:10:18,312
Guten Tag clop clop
1965
02:10:19,146 --> 02:10:22,774
Ach du lieber und
1966
02:10:22,775 --> 02:10:24,902
Oh boy!
1967
02:10:27,571 --> 02:10:31,784
Guten Tag clap clap
1968
02:10:32,493 --> 02:10:36,205
Guten Tag slap slap
1969
02:10:36,914 --> 02:10:38,915
Ach du lieber
1970
02:10:38,916 --> 02:10:42,419
What a joy!
1971
02:10:45,214 --> 02:10:49,634
We essen und fressen
1972
02:10:49,635 --> 02:10:53,722
Und tanzen und trinken
1973
02:10:55,098 --> 02:10:58,476
Tanzen und trinken
1974
02:10:58,477 --> 02:11:03,023
Until we get stinking
1975
02:11:08,111 --> 02:11:12,032
So we hop our hops
1976
02:11:12,366 --> 02:11:16,829
Und we clop our clops
1977
02:11:18,497 --> 02:11:22,458
Und we drink our Schnapps
1978
02:11:22,459 --> 02:11:25,587
Till we platz
1979
02:11:27,256 --> 02:11:30,801
We drink our Schnapps
1980
02:11:31,927 --> 02:11:35,472
Till we platz
1981
02:11:37,015 --> 02:11:39,308
Ach du lieber
1982
02:11:39,309 --> 02:11:44,273
What a joy
1983
02:11:45,274 --> 02:11:49,528
We essen und fressen
1984
02:11:49,903 --> 02:11:54,032
Und tanzen und trinken
1985
02:11:54,783 --> 02:11:58,370
Tanzen und trinken
1986
02:11:58,829 --> 02:12:03,041
Until we get stinking
1987
02:12:03,834 --> 02:12:05,961
Stinking
1988
02:12:06,128 --> 02:12:08,672
Stinking
1989
02:12:10,632 --> 02:12:14,678
Guten Tag hop hop
1990
02:12:15,012 --> 02:12:18,807
Guten Tag clop clop
1991
02:12:19,391 --> 02:12:23,103
Guten Tag, mein lieber
1992
02:12:23,896 --> 02:12:27,316
Schatz
1993
02:12:28,233 --> 02:12:32,029
So we hop our hops
1994
02:12:32,821 --> 02:12:36,950
Und we clop our clops
1995
02:12:38,911 --> 02:12:42,914
Und we drink our Schnapps
1996
02:12:42,915 --> 02:12:46,251
Till we platz
1997
02:12:48,462 --> 02:12:52,423
We drink our Schnapps
1998
02:12:52,424 --> 02:12:56,678
Till we platz
1999
02:13:09,900 --> 02:13:14,863
- Don't forget to buy
- Mein Kampf in paperback.
2000
02:13:17,366 --> 02:13:19,785
Available near you
2001
02:13:21,328 --> 02:13:23,246
at Borders Books
2002
02:13:24,164 --> 02:13:26,124
or Barnes and Noble
2003
02:13:26,792 --> 02:13:29,962
und Amazon dot com.
2004
02:13:34,091 --> 02:13:36,802
Guten Tag.
2005
02:13:42,516 --> 02:13:45,143
Thanks for coming
to see our show
2006
02:13:45,394 --> 02:13:47,854
Sad to tell you
we got to go
2007
02:13:48,063 --> 02:13:50,732
Grab your hat
and head for the door
2008
02:13:50,941 --> 02:13:53,694
In case you didn't notice,
there ain't any more
2009
02:13:53,986 --> 02:13:56,530
If you like our show,
tell everyone, but
2010
02:13:56,863 --> 02:13:59,533
If you think it stinks,
keep your big mouth shut
2011
02:14:00,742 --> 02:14:03,744
We're glad you came
but we have to shout
2012
02:14:03,745 --> 02:14:06,664
Adios, au revoir
Wiedersehen, ta, ta, ta
2013
02:14:06,665 --> 02:14:07,915
Goodbye
2014
02:14:07,916 --> 02:14:09,125
Get lost
2015
02:14:09,126 --> 02:14:13,046
Get out
2016
02:14:13,255 --> 02:14:14,381
It's over.