1 00:00:56,639 --> 00:00:58,849 GIRL: They're fighting again! 2 00:01:04,856 --> 00:01:06,148 Oh, boy. 3 00:01:07,317 --> 00:01:09,985 Don't! Wait! Not my homework! 4 00:01:10,153 --> 00:01:11,570 No! Stop it! No! 5 00:01:11,988 --> 00:01:13,280 Problem, gentlemen? 6 00:01:13,656 --> 00:01:14,865 Hey, dork-brain! 7 00:01:15,116 --> 00:01:21,080 If you weren't a girl, I'd beat your face off. 8 00:01:21,331 --> 00:01:22,581 You're calling me a girl? 9 00:01:22,791 --> 00:01:24,124 You called me one! 10 00:01:24,793 --> 00:01:25,918 You asked for it. 11 00:01:27,587 --> 00:01:28,670 Ow! 12 00:01:31,382 --> 00:01:33,008 Now get out of here! 13 00:01:33,468 --> 00:01:35,177 [BELL RINGS] 14 00:01:38,515 --> 00:01:40,015 Forget those guys. 15 00:01:40,183 --> 00:01:43,519 They're jealous because you're smart and funny. 16 00:01:43,686 --> 00:01:45,687 And girls like that. 17 00:01:45,939 --> 00:01:47,606 What girls? 18 00:01:48,024 --> 00:01:49,650 Lots of girls. 19 00:01:50,110 --> 00:01:52,861 I mean... I like you. 20 00:01:53,029 --> 00:01:56,949 I don't like you. Now everybody thinks I need a girl to fight for me. 21 00:01:57,158 --> 00:01:59,326 You are a dork-brain. 22 00:02:03,665 --> 00:02:04,998 My nose! 23 00:02:08,419 --> 00:02:09,461 Wimp! 24 00:02:29,899 --> 00:02:31,733 Moe and Larry in the house. 25 00:02:34,571 --> 00:02:36,321 Grant, what have we got out back? 26 00:02:37,073 --> 00:02:38,448 All clear here, sir. 27 00:02:38,908 --> 00:02:40,325 Matthews, what do you got? 28 00:02:41,494 --> 00:02:43,579 Returnable cans, sir. 29 00:02:43,913 --> 00:02:45,747 I think I'm up to 75 cents. 30 00:02:47,333 --> 00:02:48,709 CLONSKY: Hey, we got a cab. 31 00:02:50,753 --> 00:02:52,212 Here comes Curly. 32 00:03:13,610 --> 00:03:15,068 Yep, the Three Stooges. 33 00:03:22,619 --> 00:03:24,870 CLONSKY: Check it out, lvan's packing. 34 00:03:26,915 --> 00:03:29,875 [SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN] 35 00:03:39,302 --> 00:03:41,803 Thank you! We've got a briefcase. 36 00:03:42,013 --> 00:03:44,139 Hart, waiting for visual confirmation. 37 00:03:44,307 --> 00:03:45,933 No disc yet. 38 00:03:50,772 --> 00:03:52,397 Case is opening. 39 00:03:54,567 --> 00:03:56,401 This woman's ass is in the way. 40 00:03:59,322 --> 00:04:03,242 Hart, we can't see a goddamn thing. We need to see the discs. 41 00:04:05,161 --> 00:04:07,788 CLONSKY: This broad's got two asses! MCDONALD: Hart, do something! 42 00:04:08,248 --> 00:04:09,581 Excuse me. 43 00:04:10,124 --> 00:04:11,667 You wanting something else? 44 00:04:11,834 --> 00:04:15,462 Yeah. You know what? I really love this borscht. 45 00:04:16,297 --> 00:04:18,173 Or, as they say in Russian: 46 00:04:18,675 --> 00:04:21,176 [SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN] 47 00:04:23,429 --> 00:04:26,265 - All right, Hart. We got the discs. - We're moving in! 48 00:04:42,448 --> 00:04:44,199 FBI! Get down on the ground! Now! 49 00:04:44,367 --> 00:04:46,159 - Get down on the ground! - Do it! 50 00:04:46,536 --> 00:04:48,870 Keep your hands where I can see them! 51 00:04:52,166 --> 00:04:53,208 No English. 52 00:04:53,710 --> 00:04:56,586 [SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN] 53 00:05:05,638 --> 00:05:10,225 Hart! Nobody moves until I see some goddamn "Lazhitsa na pol"! 54 00:05:15,606 --> 00:05:17,232 Sir, he's turning purple! 55 00:05:17,608 --> 00:05:20,068 Hart, until we secure, you stay. 56 00:05:26,492 --> 00:05:27,993 - Sir. - Hart! 57 00:05:29,078 --> 00:05:32,581 Sir, that is one really, really purple Russian, sir! 58 00:05:32,749 --> 00:05:35,250 MCDONALD: He's still armed! Nobody moves! 59 00:05:35,418 --> 00:05:37,502 Hands up! Back off! Back off! 60 00:05:40,673 --> 00:05:42,632 - No, sir. He's not gonna die. - Hart! 61 00:05:42,842 --> 00:05:44,551 He's not good enough for that. 62 00:05:45,553 --> 00:05:49,931 His victims didn't get a chance to choke on a peanut, did they, sir? 63 00:05:51,726 --> 00:05:53,101 Now you're going down. 64 00:05:55,938 --> 00:05:58,732 Drop the guns or I'll kill her. 65 00:05:59,692 --> 00:06:00,776 KRASHOW: lvan, out the back. 66 00:06:00,943 --> 00:06:04,071 You're not killing anyone, you peanut-eating bastard. 67 00:06:06,616 --> 00:06:08,408 Step back! 68 00:06:11,746 --> 00:06:14,122 Move it! Move it! 69 00:06:17,293 --> 00:06:19,419 [SHOUTS IN RUSSIAN] 70 00:06:33,267 --> 00:06:34,309 Party's over, boys. 71 00:06:40,316 --> 00:06:42,484 How's your head, my little piroshki? 72 00:06:43,319 --> 00:06:46,988 This is gonna put you away for a long time. You know that? 73 00:06:47,323 --> 00:06:49,324 Let's get that ambulance in here! 74 00:06:51,077 --> 00:06:53,662 - Shut up! MCDONALD: Stay with me, all right? 75 00:06:53,830 --> 00:06:56,957 - I'm sorry. - Don't be sorry. You did a great job! 76 00:06:59,752 --> 00:07:01,461 [SIRENS WAILING] 77 00:07:12,014 --> 00:07:14,808 Nice work. See you back there, okay? 78 00:07:19,605 --> 00:07:22,441 Come on, Hart. The van's waiting. 79 00:07:22,817 --> 00:07:25,819 I got Grant shot. I shouldn't have moved. 80 00:07:26,028 --> 00:07:27,946 Come on, you made a choice. 81 00:07:28,156 --> 00:07:30,949 It was wrong, but that's it. It's over. 82 00:07:31,242 --> 00:07:34,035 By the way, you look like hell. 83 00:08:28,591 --> 00:08:31,426 [HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS] 84 00:09:37,243 --> 00:09:39,578 - Morning, Mrs. Schwartz. Schnatzie. - Good morning, Gracie. 85 00:09:39,829 --> 00:09:40,996 [PHONE RINGS] 86 00:09:41,163 --> 00:09:42,414 Hart. 87 00:09:42,748 --> 00:09:43,873 Yes, sir. 88 00:09:44,083 --> 00:09:46,376 ETA, 20 minutes. 89 00:09:46,669 --> 00:09:49,129 No problem. Breakdown? 90 00:09:50,339 --> 00:09:53,883 Yes, sir. Negative. Do not need assistance. 91 00:09:54,427 --> 00:09:56,761 Ten-four, sir. Yes, I know it's hot. 92 00:09:58,598 --> 00:10:00,599 [SIREN WAILS] 93 00:10:21,537 --> 00:10:23,455 Hey, you cannot park... 94 00:10:27,710 --> 00:10:29,919 It's an emergency. Official business. 95 00:10:30,129 --> 00:10:32,547 Ma'am, aside, please. Thank you. 96 00:10:32,798 --> 00:10:35,300 Official business, sir. Emergency. Step aside. 97 00:10:35,509 --> 00:10:37,552 Hey, get lost! I'm waiting here. 98 00:10:37,803 --> 00:10:39,888 FBI. You might want to stay out of this. 99 00:10:40,056 --> 00:10:43,224 Excuse me. Sir, ma'am, please back off. 100 00:10:44,226 --> 00:10:47,562 All right. I need eight double-tall... 101 00:10:50,566 --> 00:10:52,984 Eight double-tall lattes. One with no foam. 102 00:10:53,194 --> 00:10:55,862 Five decaf lattes with a long straw. 103 00:10:56,072 --> 00:11:00,075 Four caramel macchiattos. Double up on the cup. I got a long way to go. 104 00:11:00,326 --> 00:11:03,453 Two blueberry scones with the little granules on top... 105 00:11:03,663 --> 00:11:05,538 ...and one Starbucks compilation CD. 106 00:11:06,916 --> 00:11:09,042 - No! I would like... - Oh, jeez. 107 00:11:16,759 --> 00:11:19,219 What's going on? Where's McDonald? 108 00:11:19,428 --> 00:11:21,888 Could we put out an APB on my Frappuccino? 109 00:11:22,098 --> 00:11:25,433 It's in the bag. Did he say anything about last night? 110 00:11:25,601 --> 00:11:29,187 Relax. Don't annoy him. Don't say anything. Don't argue. 111 00:11:29,397 --> 00:11:32,107 I don't argue. I never argue. When do I argue? 112 00:11:32,358 --> 00:11:35,276 I might have a heated discussion with somebody. 113 00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:38,446 Is this you not arguing? Because you suck at it. 114 00:11:38,614 --> 00:11:40,115 MCDONALD: Morning, everybody. 115 00:11:40,574 --> 00:11:42,492 Morning, sir. It's... 116 00:11:43,411 --> 00:11:44,452 Sir. 117 00:11:44,620 --> 00:11:46,204 Okay, everybody. 118 00:11:46,622 --> 00:11:50,208 I know you're all concerned about Grant's condition. 119 00:11:50,418 --> 00:11:52,585 So I'm happy to report... 120 00:11:53,129 --> 00:11:56,715 ...Jerry's gonna be fine. He'll be out of the hospital in two weeks. 121 00:11:56,924 --> 00:11:58,425 He says he's expecting lots of gifts. 122 00:12:00,052 --> 00:12:01,803 Okay, everybody. 123 00:12:02,346 --> 00:12:06,141 So much for the good news. We got another letter from the Citizen. 124 00:12:06,809 --> 00:12:08,852 Arson, explosives, poison... 125 00:12:09,061 --> 00:12:11,771 ...this guy never works the same way twice. 126 00:12:13,357 --> 00:12:15,483 The only thing we know for sure... 127 00:12:15,985 --> 00:12:18,987 ...is, we get these letters full of incomprehensible riddles... 128 00:12:19,238 --> 00:12:21,656 ...he strikes and suddenly the clues make sense. 129 00:12:22,658 --> 00:12:24,576 This one is down in Intelligence. 130 00:12:24,785 --> 00:12:27,829 Hopefully, we'll get a lead before somebody gets killed. 131 00:12:27,997 --> 00:12:29,164 In the meantime... 132 00:12:29,457 --> 00:12:32,292 ...Matthews, get a team together. 133 00:12:32,626 --> 00:12:35,378 Sir, you want me to take point? 134 00:12:35,588 --> 00:12:37,672 For five years you've wanted it. 135 00:12:37,923 --> 00:12:41,259 Last night, you earned it. Pick your team. 136 00:12:41,469 --> 00:12:44,137 I want preliminaries by 3. That's it. 137 00:12:45,306 --> 00:12:46,347 Sir...? 138 00:12:49,935 --> 00:12:51,352 Who's buying me lunch? 139 00:12:51,520 --> 00:12:54,856 Sir, I would like to talk about what happened last night. 140 00:12:55,024 --> 00:12:56,691 I didn't exactly follow orders... 141 00:12:56,942 --> 00:12:59,360 "Exactly" follow orders? There's no such thing. 142 00:12:59,528 --> 00:13:01,529 You follow orders or you don't. 143 00:13:01,697 --> 00:13:03,698 No arguments, sir. None whatsoever. 144 00:13:03,949 --> 00:13:05,909 Until the hearing, you're out of the field. 145 00:13:06,118 --> 00:13:08,328 The hearing is totally warranted. 146 00:13:08,537 --> 00:13:11,164 Wouldn't I be better on the Citizen case? 147 00:13:11,373 --> 00:13:13,708 I have a background in profiling and decoding. 148 00:13:13,959 --> 00:13:15,210 - No. - I could contribute. 149 00:13:15,461 --> 00:13:17,045 Like you contributed last night? 150 00:13:17,213 --> 00:13:19,297 By putting yourself and five agents in jeopardy? 151 00:13:19,507 --> 00:13:21,674 I'll save the rest for the review board. 152 00:13:21,884 --> 00:13:25,053 You will bury yourself under a mountain of paperwork. 153 00:13:25,304 --> 00:13:27,222 Discussion is over. 154 00:13:45,157 --> 00:13:47,408 Mike, give me a pint. 155 00:13:47,827 --> 00:13:48,993 Rough day? 156 00:13:49,328 --> 00:13:50,829 The worst. 157 00:13:51,038 --> 00:13:52,372 Sure you want a whole one? 158 00:13:52,998 --> 00:13:55,708 Yeah. Hit me bigtime, baby. 159 00:13:55,960 --> 00:14:00,547 Hey, Einstein. If you figure out that Citizen letter, let me know. 160 00:14:02,591 --> 00:14:05,552 Congratulations on the op. It's a big shot. 161 00:14:06,178 --> 00:14:07,345 Thanks. 162 00:14:07,763 --> 00:14:09,597 How are you doing? You okay? 163 00:14:09,849 --> 00:14:11,266 I'm good. 164 00:14:13,435 --> 00:14:14,853 You're starting early today. 165 00:14:15,062 --> 00:14:17,897 Yeah, I'm gonna get chip-faced. Want to join me? 166 00:14:18,190 --> 00:14:21,234 I'd love to, but I have a pressing social engagement. 167 00:14:21,902 --> 00:14:22,944 Beth! 168 00:14:23,529 --> 00:14:24,863 Brownie meeting. 169 00:14:25,072 --> 00:14:27,574 - Mike, give me a beer and... - Um... 170 00:14:27,908 --> 00:14:29,409 Milk. Give her milk. 171 00:14:29,785 --> 00:14:31,536 White wine spritzer. 172 00:14:31,787 --> 00:14:34,205 Are most of the people in here agents? 173 00:14:34,415 --> 00:14:37,500 As a matter of fact, here's an agent. Gracie Hart. 174 00:14:37,751 --> 00:14:39,252 Beth Carter. 175 00:14:41,046 --> 00:14:42,297 Right back to you. 176 00:14:42,548 --> 00:14:46,134 Beth is an undergrad at Vassar, doing a paper on law enforcement. 177 00:14:46,385 --> 00:14:48,219 I'm helping her get an inside look. 178 00:14:48,470 --> 00:14:50,597 I bet she'll do the same for you. 179 00:14:50,890 --> 00:14:54,100 Gracie, I would love to get a woman's point of view. 180 00:14:54,310 --> 00:14:57,645 You're barking up the wrong tree. Right, Hart? 181 00:14:59,064 --> 00:15:02,442 Do all the women have to wear those really masculine shoes? 182 00:15:05,821 --> 00:15:09,407 I get these made special by the guy that put the tattoo on my ass. 183 00:15:09,617 --> 00:15:12,410 We'll leave you with Ben and Jerry. Catch you later. 184 00:15:12,620 --> 00:15:15,288 - Nice meeting you. - You too. 185 00:15:17,583 --> 00:15:19,626 Hope you have a good time at the mall. 186 00:15:20,044 --> 00:15:21,544 Wohop is the place. 187 00:15:21,754 --> 00:15:25,089 Wohop is good, but if you like variety, you go to La Chinita Linda. 188 00:15:25,299 --> 00:15:26,758 Their rice and beans are slamming. 189 00:15:26,967 --> 00:15:29,677 I don't want variety. I get pork fried rice every... 190 00:15:29,845 --> 00:15:33,097 I figured it out! I tried to create a content-based pattern... 191 00:15:33,307 --> 00:15:34,599 ...similar to his previous letters. 192 00:15:34,808 --> 00:15:36,643 But this time, he used a signifier. 193 00:15:36,852 --> 00:15:39,187 In this case, the word "miss"... 194 00:15:39,355 --> 00:15:42,982 ...in the subsequent letters. Will you let me finish? 195 00:15:43,192 --> 00:15:45,193 It's the Miss United States Pageant. 196 00:15:45,444 --> 00:15:48,196 Yeah. Intelligence thought so too. 197 00:15:48,489 --> 00:15:49,864 What do we got? 198 00:15:50,366 --> 00:15:53,534 Miss United States from San Antonio, Texas, home of the Alamo. 199 00:15:53,786 --> 00:15:55,078 I forgot the Alamo. 200 00:15:55,287 --> 00:15:58,456 The pageant lasts three days. Preliminaries, conferences... 201 00:15:58,666 --> 00:16:01,542 ...the live telecast. It's a logistical nightmare. 202 00:16:01,710 --> 00:16:03,044 Not just a babe-fest. 203 00:16:03,712 --> 00:16:06,631 Jesus, we've only got 48 hours. 204 00:16:06,966 --> 00:16:08,967 Okay, gentlemen. 205 00:16:09,718 --> 00:16:11,219 Where do we start? 206 00:16:14,515 --> 00:16:16,641 I got a cousin in Texas. 207 00:16:17,059 --> 00:16:20,979 You might want to call the network and pageant people. Set up a meeting. 208 00:16:23,190 --> 00:16:26,317 Because you'll probably need their cooperation. 209 00:16:26,902 --> 00:16:28,069 Yeah. 210 00:16:28,237 --> 00:16:30,405 Yeah, I can do that. Let's do that. 211 00:16:30,656 --> 00:16:32,240 What about jurisdiction? 212 00:16:32,616 --> 00:16:34,993 The Citizen has been ours from the start. 213 00:16:35,202 --> 00:16:37,578 You might want to call San Antonio. 214 00:16:37,746 --> 00:16:40,039 Grease some wheels so they like us... 215 00:16:40,249 --> 00:16:41,833 ...when we need manpower and tech. 216 00:16:42,042 --> 00:16:43,418 While I'm at it, let's do that. 217 00:16:43,752 --> 00:16:44,752 Good idea. 218 00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:47,714 He loves to make a splash. His target will be public... 219 00:16:47,923 --> 00:16:50,717 ...like one of these outdoor prelims or a TV broadcast. 220 00:16:50,926 --> 00:16:52,760 Telecasters at the convention center. 221 00:16:52,928 --> 00:16:56,723 We're gonna need surveillance on the interior perimeter. 222 00:16:56,932 --> 00:16:59,517 We'll need more. There's a million places... 223 00:16:59,727 --> 00:17:03,354 ...only these bikini-stuffers can go: backstage areas, hotel rooms... 224 00:17:03,564 --> 00:17:05,440 We need to get somebody in there. 225 00:17:05,649 --> 00:17:07,859 Yeah! Now I'm thinking... 226 00:17:08,694 --> 00:17:09,777 ...undercover. 227 00:17:10,029 --> 00:17:11,446 Good idea, boss. 228 00:17:11,655 --> 00:17:13,031 I got just the girl. 229 00:17:15,617 --> 00:17:17,869 - Huh? Huh? - All right. 230 00:17:18,162 --> 00:17:19,912 That's nothing. Check this out. 231 00:17:20,122 --> 00:17:23,458 Compliments of my daughter: the "Dress Up Sally" web site. 232 00:17:33,302 --> 00:17:34,969 What did I tell you? Hot, right? 233 00:17:35,137 --> 00:17:36,220 Yeah, baby. 234 00:17:36,889 --> 00:17:38,723 You got a little problem. 235 00:17:38,932 --> 00:17:40,266 She's perfect! 236 00:17:40,476 --> 00:17:41,642 Look to the left. 237 00:17:43,729 --> 00:17:45,146 Down... down... 238 00:17:46,148 --> 00:17:48,191 HART: There you go. ERIC: "On maternity leave"? 239 00:17:48,400 --> 00:17:49,650 That's not gonna work. 240 00:17:49,818 --> 00:17:52,570 Not unless it's "The Miss Lamaze Pageant." 241 00:17:58,202 --> 00:18:00,286 Can you do a search? 242 00:18:00,496 --> 00:18:03,331 Female field agents under 35. 243 00:18:15,636 --> 00:18:16,761 Jensen, Jensen! 244 00:18:17,721 --> 00:18:21,015 [MUMBLING AND LAUGHING] 245 00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:31,818 Wait, wait, wait, wait! I got it, I got it! 246 00:18:42,746 --> 00:18:43,788 Oh, no! 247 00:18:43,997 --> 00:18:45,289 That's right, that's right! 248 00:18:49,044 --> 00:18:51,379 You think that's good? Check this out. 249 00:18:51,630 --> 00:18:53,047 I got the winner right here. 250 00:18:53,257 --> 00:18:54,340 Scorekeepers ready? 251 00:19:00,305 --> 00:19:02,223 This is the best part. 252 00:19:08,021 --> 00:19:09,063 Oh! 253 00:19:15,028 --> 00:19:16,404 He's right behind me, isn't he? 254 00:19:16,572 --> 00:19:18,531 Not really my color, is it? 255 00:19:19,741 --> 00:19:20,908 Sir, we were just... 256 00:19:21,535 --> 00:19:24,245 ...looking for someone to go undercover at the pageant. 257 00:19:25,372 --> 00:19:27,165 And I'm the best we have. 258 00:19:27,374 --> 00:19:29,292 It doesn't inspire much confidence. 259 00:19:30,085 --> 00:19:31,419 Get back to work. 260 00:19:31,920 --> 00:19:35,590 - Hart, shouldn't you be at a desk? - Yes, sir. 261 00:19:37,009 --> 00:19:39,677 You don't say anything? Made me look like an idiot. 262 00:19:39,887 --> 00:19:42,513 HART: Do I have eyes in the back of my head? 263 00:19:42,764 --> 00:19:45,266 - He was standing right behind me. - What were we gonna say? 264 00:19:45,434 --> 00:19:46,559 - What? JENSEN: This one. 265 00:19:47,603 --> 00:19:48,936 ERIC: Are you kidding? It's Hart. 266 00:19:49,104 --> 00:19:51,522 Cut it off. Let's go back to work. 267 00:19:55,777 --> 00:19:56,819 Very funny. 268 00:19:57,029 --> 00:19:58,571 Hold on. That's not bad. 269 00:19:58,822 --> 00:20:03,367 Hold on, nothing. Hit the save button because you won't see that again. 270 00:20:09,249 --> 00:20:11,459 - What do you say? - No freaking way. 271 00:20:11,627 --> 00:20:12,752 Why not? 272 00:20:12,961 --> 00:20:15,796 I won't parade around in a swimsuit like some bimbo... 273 00:20:15,964 --> 00:20:19,884 ...named Gracie Lou Freebush, and all she wants is world peace. 274 00:20:21,220 --> 00:20:22,553 It wouldn't be like that. 275 00:20:22,804 --> 00:20:24,972 You'd be on the undercover team. 276 00:20:25,224 --> 00:20:27,058 Right. In a thong. 277 00:20:29,061 --> 00:20:30,645 In a tasteful one-piece! 278 00:20:30,896 --> 00:20:33,397 You do a few butt-shaping exercises... 279 00:20:33,649 --> 00:20:34,982 ...you could pull this off. 280 00:20:35,234 --> 00:20:36,776 You know what? Pull this off. 281 00:20:36,985 --> 00:20:38,653 Is it because McDonald hates me? 282 00:20:38,862 --> 00:20:40,988 Or is it, like, a woman thing? 283 00:20:43,909 --> 00:20:46,869 Don't kid yourself. Nobody thinks of you that way. 284 00:20:51,625 --> 00:20:53,251 He's punishing me, isn't he? 285 00:20:53,460 --> 00:20:55,836 I had to beg him to let you do this. 286 00:20:56,004 --> 00:20:58,673 That's right. Like it or not, you screwed up, pal. 287 00:20:58,924 --> 00:21:00,258 Sit down, sit down. 288 00:21:07,516 --> 00:21:10,184 I've never been in a beauty pageant. 289 00:21:10,435 --> 00:21:13,521 I don't even own a dress. I don't even own a brush. 290 00:21:13,772 --> 00:21:15,314 Ow, Jesus. Oh. 291 00:21:16,775 --> 00:21:19,527 Which part of that is supposed to shock me? 292 00:21:28,620 --> 00:21:30,204 Let's suspend reality for a second... 293 00:21:30,455 --> 00:21:31,872 ...and pretend I said yes. 294 00:21:32,040 --> 00:21:34,166 I got to do everything? Like... 295 00:21:34,376 --> 00:21:37,003 ...the whole big hair and the makeup and... 296 00:21:37,212 --> 00:21:38,212 Damn right. 297 00:21:38,422 --> 00:21:42,675 The spinning, the twirling, the smiling, the cute little tap number. 298 00:21:44,219 --> 00:21:45,386 Hundred bucks on Matthews. 299 00:21:46,013 --> 00:21:47,930 I don't know. She's got rage. 300 00:21:50,559 --> 00:21:51,976 I'll take that bet. 301 00:22:00,569 --> 00:22:03,321 - That's right. That's right. - Yeah! 302 00:22:03,488 --> 00:22:05,239 Yeah, baby. 303 00:22:06,950 --> 00:22:08,242 So you're saying... 304 00:22:08,493 --> 00:22:10,828 ...I have to wear the bathing suit? 305 00:22:11,079 --> 00:22:14,332 Yeah, you have to wear the bathing suit. 306 00:22:15,083 --> 00:22:16,250 Okay. 307 00:22:18,837 --> 00:22:20,421 You go, girl. 308 00:22:23,091 --> 00:22:25,092 Where am I gonna put my gun? 309 00:22:25,510 --> 00:22:27,845 No place I want to know about. 310 00:22:29,556 --> 00:22:33,392 What could possibly motivate anybody to enter a beauty pageant? 311 00:22:33,602 --> 00:22:35,895 Scholarship money, a chance to see the world... 312 00:22:36,104 --> 00:22:37,980 ...broaden your horizons... 313 00:22:38,190 --> 00:22:41,525 So join the Marines. It's like feminism never even happened. 314 00:22:41,735 --> 00:22:45,780 Any woman that does this is catering to misogynistic Neanderthal mentality. 315 00:22:45,989 --> 00:22:48,074 I dated Young Miss Scarsdale. 316 00:22:48,283 --> 00:22:50,242 Can you really be this superficial? 317 00:22:50,452 --> 00:22:52,119 Hard to believe, right? 318 00:22:52,287 --> 00:22:53,371 Here we are. 319 00:22:54,039 --> 00:22:56,624 ERIC: Therefore, we'd like to use one of our team undercover. 320 00:22:56,792 --> 00:22:58,542 Am I hearing this correctly? 321 00:22:58,752 --> 00:23:03,130 Kathy, these people want to put one of their agents... 322 00:23:03,548 --> 00:23:04,799 ...in the pageant. 323 00:23:05,050 --> 00:23:06,133 They want her to win? 324 00:23:06,385 --> 00:23:08,010 No, ma'am. 325 00:23:08,887 --> 00:23:11,097 We will need your help with the judging... 326 00:23:11,306 --> 00:23:13,641 ...so our agent is in the top five... 327 00:23:13,892 --> 00:23:16,811 ...to have access to all the areas at all times. 328 00:23:17,062 --> 00:23:19,313 - Absolutely not. HART: Miss Morningside... 329 00:23:19,648 --> 00:23:21,732 ...we understand how important this beauty pageant... 330 00:23:21,942 --> 00:23:23,317 Excuse me. 331 00:23:23,652 --> 00:23:25,736 This is not a beauty pageant. 332 00:23:25,946 --> 00:23:27,988 This is a scholarship program. 333 00:23:28,156 --> 00:23:30,950 And it has been ever since my reign. 334 00:23:31,159 --> 00:23:34,161 I fully intend on maintaining that credo. 335 00:23:34,413 --> 00:23:35,788 ERIC: Absolutely, Miss Morningside. 336 00:23:36,039 --> 00:23:38,624 We're here to protect the girls. Women. 337 00:23:38,834 --> 00:23:40,084 Scholarship ladies. 338 00:23:41,586 --> 00:23:45,589 There's nothing more important to me than the safety of my girls. 339 00:23:45,799 --> 00:23:48,676 I'd rather cancel the pageant than have them blown up. 340 00:23:49,094 --> 00:23:50,803 Especially without their knowledge. 341 00:23:51,471 --> 00:23:54,682 We went to the network to cancel, but they refused. 342 00:23:54,933 --> 00:23:56,100 We can't force them. 343 00:23:57,686 --> 00:23:58,811 I'm confused. 344 00:23:59,020 --> 00:24:00,855 What state is she going to be from? 345 00:24:01,064 --> 00:24:03,023 All the winners have been chosen. 346 00:24:03,692 --> 00:24:07,862 We recently discovered some information about Miss New Jersey. 347 00:24:08,113 --> 00:24:11,699 And her performance in a little film called Arma Get It On. 348 00:24:12,492 --> 00:24:13,868 Was that her? 349 00:24:14,202 --> 00:24:15,494 Oh, yeah! 350 00:24:16,163 --> 00:24:19,373 She was gonna drop out pretty soon, if you know what I mean. 351 00:24:23,670 --> 00:24:26,046 Do you have an agent in mind? 352 00:24:30,844 --> 00:24:31,886 Sorry. 353 00:24:33,722 --> 00:24:36,474 Let me get you Victor Melling's number. 354 00:24:36,641 --> 00:24:37,683 Frank. 355 00:24:37,893 --> 00:24:39,477 He's our pageant consultant. 356 00:24:40,020 --> 00:24:41,187 Frank. 357 00:24:41,730 --> 00:24:43,522 Maybe he can do something to help. 358 00:24:43,732 --> 00:24:44,732 Frank! 359 00:24:45,400 --> 00:24:47,318 Oh! Just one minute. 360 00:24:49,321 --> 00:24:51,155 This is my assistant, Frank Tobin. 361 00:24:51,531 --> 00:24:53,199 Hi, everyone. 362 00:24:53,408 --> 00:24:56,202 Would you get these people Victor's number, please? 363 00:24:56,411 --> 00:24:57,745 And get me a spring water. 364 00:24:57,996 --> 00:24:59,580 And tuck in your shirt. 365 00:25:01,333 --> 00:25:03,918 That, that was... a water for you... 366 00:25:04,127 --> 00:25:05,419 ...and... 367 00:25:05,670 --> 00:25:08,130 Victor Melling's number. 368 00:25:17,933 --> 00:25:20,100 Thank you. Thank you. 369 00:25:23,188 --> 00:25:24,522 Mr. Melling. 370 00:25:24,731 --> 00:25:25,773 How are you? 371 00:25:30,570 --> 00:25:34,073 If you are Grace Hart, I quit here and now. 372 00:25:36,576 --> 00:25:38,369 I'm having a bad hair day. 373 00:25:39,162 --> 00:25:41,038 Bad hair decade, really. 374 00:25:41,289 --> 00:25:42,957 I'm Eric Matthews. We spoke. 375 00:25:43,291 --> 00:25:44,792 Your hair is perfect. 376 00:25:44,960 --> 00:25:46,877 However, I can't accept this job. 377 00:25:47,128 --> 00:25:49,964 There's no way I can make this woman ready in two days. 378 00:25:50,298 --> 00:25:53,717 Please, Mr. Melling, give it a chance. Sit down. 379 00:25:53,927 --> 00:25:56,178 Have lunch. Totally on the Bureau. 380 00:25:56,763 --> 00:25:59,932 I suppose that would be the civilized thing to do. 381 00:26:01,476 --> 00:26:05,312 I'll take a rain check. I got to take care of some FBI stuff. 382 00:26:05,480 --> 00:26:08,315 That thing I told you about that I gotta do. 383 00:26:08,483 --> 00:26:11,485 But I'll see you later. We'll hang out. You like caps? 384 00:26:12,237 --> 00:26:14,321 I'll get you an official FBI cap. 385 00:26:14,990 --> 00:26:16,198 See you later. 386 00:26:17,242 --> 00:26:18,409 What a pity. 387 00:26:19,578 --> 00:26:21,495 - Are you hungry? - Yeah. 388 00:26:21,705 --> 00:26:23,706 - Yes. - Yeah. 389 00:26:23,999 --> 00:26:27,334 It is always "yes," never "yeah." Sit down. 390 00:26:28,628 --> 00:26:32,631 Miss United States is always well-spoken and polite. 391 00:26:32,841 --> 00:26:34,091 Do you understand? 392 00:26:34,301 --> 00:26:35,634 Watch the hands, garçon. 393 00:26:35,844 --> 00:26:37,469 - Excuse me. VICTOR: It's all right. 394 00:26:38,013 --> 00:26:41,181 I have a feeling we're going to need a drop cloth later. 395 00:26:54,029 --> 00:26:56,447 VICTOR: Could I have another cabernet sauvignon? 396 00:26:56,656 --> 00:26:58,198 Another keg for you? 397 00:26:58,617 --> 00:27:01,285 - I'm good, thanks. VICTOR: That's okay, Philip. 398 00:27:01,536 --> 00:27:05,205 So, how long have you been doing this pageant-training thing? 399 00:27:05,373 --> 00:27:06,373 I'm sorry? 400 00:27:06,958 --> 00:27:11,378 What was the question? I was distracted by a half-masticated cow... 401 00:27:11,630 --> 00:27:14,548 ...rolling around in your wide-open trap. 402 00:27:14,799 --> 00:27:16,550 Excuse me? What is your problem? 403 00:27:16,801 --> 00:27:17,885 - Problem? - Yeah. 404 00:27:18,136 --> 00:27:20,679 I mean, yes. Have I offended you in some way? 405 00:27:20,889 --> 00:27:24,892 You've been completely antagonistic to me from the second I walked in. 406 00:27:25,143 --> 00:27:27,853 I was once the most sought-after, highly paid... 407 00:27:28,063 --> 00:27:30,189 ...consultant in pageant history. 408 00:27:30,398 --> 00:27:32,399 I had no idea. 409 00:27:33,568 --> 00:27:37,404 Every season, girls would plead with me to train them. 410 00:27:37,697 --> 00:27:39,865 Ten out of 11 years... 411 00:27:40,075 --> 00:27:42,076 ...my girls were crowned. 412 00:27:42,327 --> 00:27:45,788 The year we lost, the winner was a deaf-mute. 413 00:27:46,081 --> 00:27:47,706 You can't beat that. 414 00:27:50,251 --> 00:27:51,335 Then... 415 00:27:52,295 --> 00:27:53,921 ...in '96... 416 00:27:54,339 --> 00:27:58,008 ...my girl froze like a puddle halfway through her aria from La Bohème. 417 00:27:58,551 --> 00:28:01,845 Afterwards, she told a reporter from Pageant Magazine... 418 00:28:02,055 --> 00:28:03,806 ...that I was a perfectionist... 419 00:28:04,015 --> 00:28:07,685 ...who had harangued her to within an inch of her sanity. 420 00:28:08,061 --> 00:28:11,438 Of course, after that article came out... 421 00:28:13,024 --> 00:28:14,775 ...nobody wanted me. 422 00:28:18,863 --> 00:28:21,615 Okay. With all due respect here... 423 00:28:21,866 --> 00:28:24,326 ...why did Miss Morningside suggest you? 424 00:28:24,577 --> 00:28:27,287 Because I am the best. 425 00:28:30,959 --> 00:28:35,129 Or perhaps it's because everyone else worth having had a contestant. 426 00:28:35,755 --> 00:28:39,717 They had their Southern belles, their Midwestern farmers' daughters. 427 00:28:39,926 --> 00:28:42,845 Spunky Western cowgirls. 428 00:28:43,096 --> 00:28:44,138 And I have... 429 00:28:44,389 --> 00:28:46,056 [CRYSTAL HUMS] 430 00:28:46,266 --> 00:28:47,766 ...Dirty Harriet. 431 00:28:51,813 --> 00:28:53,564 Will you desist? 432 00:28:53,898 --> 00:28:54,940 Yeah. 433 00:28:55,150 --> 00:28:56,734 Yes. 434 00:29:01,948 --> 00:29:03,407 Oh, my God. 435 00:29:03,616 --> 00:29:05,826 I haven't seen a walk like that since Jurassic Park. 436 00:29:05,994 --> 00:29:10,080 It's been working really well for me for the past 30 years, all right? 437 00:29:10,290 --> 00:29:12,249 Well, glide, now. Glide. 438 00:29:13,793 --> 00:29:15,335 Don't look down, don't look down. 439 00:29:15,503 --> 00:29:20,090 Don't look down, look up. Your chin should be parallel to the floor. 440 00:29:20,300 --> 00:29:21,884 Now glide. Glide. 441 00:29:22,635 --> 00:29:25,012 It's not the bloody Ice Capades. 442 00:29:25,263 --> 00:29:26,764 Gliding. 443 00:29:27,599 --> 00:29:31,018 No, no. Don't pick your feet up. Don't pick your feet up. 444 00:29:31,352 --> 00:29:32,770 Why are you picking your feet up? 445 00:29:33,021 --> 00:29:34,772 Because I'm preparing to run away. 446 00:29:34,981 --> 00:29:36,648 - No, wait. Wait. - What? 447 00:29:36,816 --> 00:29:37,858 Watch me. 448 00:29:38,026 --> 00:29:39,777 Glide. Glide. 449 00:29:43,448 --> 00:29:45,115 See? Glide. 450 00:29:45,325 --> 00:29:48,035 It's all in the buttocks. Don't I look pretty? 451 00:29:48,495 --> 00:29:51,205 It takes a very secure man to walk like that. 452 00:29:55,126 --> 00:29:56,543 Roll your hips. 453 00:29:56,795 --> 00:29:59,630 Head up, head up. Keep gliding... 454 00:30:00,548 --> 00:30:01,840 I'm gliding here! 455 00:30:02,050 --> 00:30:03,133 CABBIE: What are you, blind? 456 00:30:03,343 --> 00:30:04,718 Asshole. 457 00:30:39,754 --> 00:30:42,589 VICTOR: Look how she walks. She's floating. 458 00:30:42,841 --> 00:30:46,176 Lightly ascending from cloud to cloud... 459 00:30:46,553 --> 00:30:48,095 ...towards heaven. 460 00:30:49,764 --> 00:30:52,015 He takes one look at that fake rack... 461 00:30:52,225 --> 00:30:54,101 ...he's gonna send her right back. 462 00:30:57,063 --> 00:31:00,899 Look, she's gonna cry again. "If I only had a brain!" 463 00:31:01,901 --> 00:31:04,570 I am somewhat less than amused. 464 00:31:12,453 --> 00:31:14,079 How's she doing? 465 00:31:15,290 --> 00:31:17,499 With some intensive work... 466 00:31:17,792 --> 00:31:21,044 ...she'll be ready for the world's finest trailer park. 467 00:31:22,005 --> 00:31:23,255 Thank you! 468 00:31:27,552 --> 00:31:29,136 Both painful... 469 00:31:29,387 --> 00:31:30,888 ...and grotesque. 470 00:31:31,306 --> 00:31:32,639 Isn't it? 471 00:31:37,103 --> 00:31:38,770 Oh, my God! 472 00:31:48,990 --> 00:31:52,284 Mr. Vic, we got everything you asked for. Where do we start? 473 00:31:52,493 --> 00:31:54,620 Teeth, hair, manicure, pedicure. 474 00:31:54,829 --> 00:31:56,038 Which one first? 475 00:31:56,289 --> 00:31:58,582 What are you gonna do to my teeth? 476 00:31:58,791 --> 00:32:02,169 VICTOR: Hopefully, remove the beer stains and steak residue. 477 00:32:04,464 --> 00:32:06,173 Can't I get some Novocain? 478 00:32:06,424 --> 00:32:07,841 It's only a cleaning. 479 00:32:08,092 --> 00:32:10,344 Sweeney Todd, what are you doing? 480 00:32:10,637 --> 00:32:12,471 Your hair should make a statement. 481 00:32:12,680 --> 00:32:15,557 As long as it's not, "Thanks for the Country Music Award." 482 00:32:15,767 --> 00:32:17,851 You'll be lucky if I can get it untangled. 483 00:32:18,061 --> 00:32:19,102 No mercy. 484 00:32:19,312 --> 00:32:20,520 Can I borrow that drill? 485 00:32:23,107 --> 00:32:25,275 WOMAN OVER SPEAKER: Attention. Attention. 486 00:32:25,526 --> 00:32:29,696 All hair removal units, wax, electrolysis, laser... 487 00:32:29,864 --> 00:32:32,950 ...to commence at 2300 hours. 488 00:32:35,453 --> 00:32:37,204 [HART GROANS] 489 00:32:39,082 --> 00:32:40,123 HART: Hello. Ah! 490 00:32:47,298 --> 00:32:48,715 [HART SCREAMS] 491 00:32:54,889 --> 00:32:56,056 Bikini wax. 492 00:33:07,694 --> 00:33:09,111 How you doing? 493 00:33:09,320 --> 00:33:10,862 Ever seen one this big? 494 00:33:11,072 --> 00:33:12,614 Sandwich, I mean. 495 00:33:13,032 --> 00:33:14,825 That's a lot of meat. 496 00:33:19,330 --> 00:33:20,747 Thank you! 497 00:33:21,040 --> 00:33:23,417 Nobody said this job was easy. 498 00:33:26,671 --> 00:33:29,214 Mm, mm, mm. 499 00:33:37,598 --> 00:33:41,393 This earpiece lets you hear anybody on our frequencies. 500 00:33:41,644 --> 00:33:44,438 I don't need it. With all this foil, I'm getting HBO. 501 00:33:45,857 --> 00:33:47,274 This is a pin camera. 502 00:33:47,525 --> 00:33:49,443 There's an actual lens in there. 503 00:33:49,652 --> 00:33:52,529 It provides a digital video feed to our hookups. 504 00:33:53,406 --> 00:33:55,198 Here's your new IDs. 505 00:33:55,408 --> 00:33:57,534 Pageant identity. 506 00:33:58,411 --> 00:34:00,037 Gracie Lou Freebush? 507 00:34:00,371 --> 00:34:01,747 I remembered you liked that. 508 00:34:01,956 --> 00:34:05,250 Well, my IQ just dropped 10 points. 509 00:34:08,796 --> 00:34:11,298 More... fluffy. 510 00:34:11,799 --> 00:34:14,593 Eyebrows. There should be two. 511 00:34:19,640 --> 00:34:21,808 Another two coats. And a sealant. 512 00:34:22,268 --> 00:34:23,602 Unbelievable. 513 00:34:25,480 --> 00:34:29,107 Where the hell is she? What could possibly be taking this long? 514 00:34:46,000 --> 00:34:49,002 ["MUSTANG SALLY" PLAYS] 515 00:35:03,184 --> 00:35:04,684 ERIC: Hart, is that you? 516 00:35:04,852 --> 00:35:08,021 I'm in a dress, I have gel in my hair, I haven't slept... 517 00:35:08,272 --> 00:35:11,608 ...l'm starved and I'm armed. Don't mess with me. 518 00:35:12,026 --> 00:35:13,360 Ooh. 519 00:35:14,862 --> 00:35:17,114 I'm fine. I'm cool. I'm good. 520 00:35:18,324 --> 00:35:21,952 Yeah, that's her. Mr. Vic, nice work! 521 00:35:22,161 --> 00:35:23,328 Thank you. 522 00:35:24,622 --> 00:35:26,248 My God, I'm good. 523 00:36:04,745 --> 00:36:06,872 ERIC: Okay, Gracie Lou, listen up. 524 00:36:07,290 --> 00:36:09,708 "Operation Thong" has commenced. 525 00:36:11,043 --> 00:36:12,836 Why don't you stun-gun yourself? 526 00:36:13,504 --> 00:36:15,380 I knew she'd like that one. 527 00:36:16,591 --> 00:36:17,799 KATHY: Victor? 528 00:36:18,301 --> 00:36:20,051 Try not to speak. 529 00:36:20,761 --> 00:36:22,095 Victor! 530 00:36:23,055 --> 00:36:25,098 Miss Morningside, if it's possible... 531 00:36:25,349 --> 00:36:27,434 ...you look more radiant than ever. 532 00:36:28,436 --> 00:36:31,062 Then I guess it's possible. Hello. 533 00:36:31,397 --> 00:36:32,439 Hi. 534 00:36:34,567 --> 00:36:35,609 Miss Hart?! 535 00:36:36,235 --> 00:36:38,069 I mean, Miss Freebush. 536 00:36:39,197 --> 00:36:43,116 Victor, I see you haven't completely lost your touch. 537 00:36:43,367 --> 00:36:45,243 You look absolutely perfect. 538 00:36:45,536 --> 00:36:48,872 And you're just in time for the orientation breakfast. 539 00:36:49,540 --> 00:36:51,333 You'll take the bags to the room? 540 00:36:51,542 --> 00:36:53,752 It's been a while since you've been with us... 541 00:36:53,961 --> 00:36:56,254 ...but you remember how everything goes. 542 00:36:57,089 --> 00:37:00,258 One little mistake and I'm a bloody bellhop. 543 00:37:01,928 --> 00:37:04,137 Ohio. Oh-hi-yo! 544 00:37:04,430 --> 00:37:06,389 Washington. Nice apples. 545 00:37:06,599 --> 00:37:09,559 Original. You come up with that all by yourself? 546 00:37:11,145 --> 00:37:13,730 - Miss Freebush! - I got it. I got it. 547 00:37:13,940 --> 00:37:15,982 New Jersey? Welcome. 548 00:37:20,655 --> 00:37:23,156 [CHATTERING] 549 00:37:27,453 --> 00:37:30,121 WOMAN 1: Who's she? WOMAN 2: Have you seen her before? 550 00:37:33,584 --> 00:37:36,294 Oh, hey, New Jersey? This one's empty. 551 00:37:38,673 --> 00:37:39,756 Thanks. 552 00:37:39,966 --> 00:37:42,509 - I'm Cheryl from Rhode Island. - Hi, I'm... 553 00:37:42,677 --> 00:37:46,429 Gracie Lou Freebush. I memorized the orientation pamphlet. 554 00:37:46,681 --> 00:37:49,349 I know all 49 ladies by name and picture. 555 00:37:49,517 --> 00:37:51,268 Fifty, including myself. 556 00:37:51,477 --> 00:37:55,647 Your picture wasn't there, so I knew it was you from your lack of picture. 557 00:37:56,941 --> 00:38:00,277 How about a little song for the drive? 558 00:38:00,486 --> 00:38:02,988 I think you know the one I mean. 559 00:38:04,323 --> 00:38:07,826 From sea to shining sea 560 00:38:08,035 --> 00:38:11,454 Like Lady Liberty 561 00:38:11,664 --> 00:38:16,501 She reigns over all she sees 562 00:38:17,336 --> 00:38:20,922 She's beauty and she's grace 563 00:38:21,132 --> 00:38:23,466 She's Miss United States 564 00:38:28,014 --> 00:38:29,472 Entering Barbie-town. 565 00:38:29,682 --> 00:38:31,141 We're up and running. 566 00:38:31,350 --> 00:38:33,018 CLONSKY: I love my job! 567 00:38:33,227 --> 00:38:35,020 - Not a bad view. - Not at all. 568 00:38:35,229 --> 00:38:37,689 There's our table! 569 00:38:37,982 --> 00:38:39,941 CHERYL: I got here three days early so I could... 570 00:38:40,151 --> 00:38:42,902 CLONSKY: Look at all the hoochie mama! 571 00:38:43,070 --> 00:38:44,362 Not the pastry! 572 00:38:46,240 --> 00:38:51,077 Ladies, I would like you to meet Gracie Lou Freebush from New Jersey. 573 00:38:51,329 --> 00:38:53,538 Karen Krantz, New York. 574 00:38:53,748 --> 00:38:55,040 What's up, Jersey? 575 00:38:55,249 --> 00:38:58,084 - Mary Jo Wright, Texas. - Hi there. 576 00:38:58,252 --> 00:39:00,337 CHERYL: Belinda Brown, Tennessee. - Hi. 577 00:39:00,546 --> 00:39:01,755 - I like that! - Oh, yeah! 578 00:39:02,256 --> 00:39:04,090 Leslie Davis, California. 579 00:39:04,258 --> 00:39:05,342 Hey, girl. 580 00:39:05,551 --> 00:39:07,844 And Alana Krewson, Hawaii. 581 00:39:08,262 --> 00:39:09,262 Aloha. 582 00:39:09,513 --> 00:39:10,889 Aloha to you too! 583 00:39:11,098 --> 00:39:15,769 I want you all to know, I believe what it says on the sign at the Alamodome. 584 00:39:15,978 --> 00:39:17,604 We are all winners. 585 00:39:17,980 --> 00:39:20,440 ERIC: Hey, Hart! You think she's hungry? 586 00:39:20,608 --> 00:39:24,110 Most important, we're getting our issues out there for people to hear. 587 00:39:24,278 --> 00:39:27,030 And it's an honor to have made it this far. 588 00:39:27,239 --> 00:39:29,699 Especially when you're from a small state... 589 00:39:29,950 --> 00:39:31,576 That's so true! 590 00:39:31,786 --> 00:39:34,204 - Us Rhode Islanders... - I wasn't finished. 591 00:39:36,248 --> 00:39:37,540 Did it sound like I was? 592 00:39:37,750 --> 00:39:38,875 I'm sorry. 593 00:39:39,085 --> 00:39:41,294 Why are you apologizing to her? 594 00:39:41,504 --> 00:39:43,546 She's been drinking too much Coppertone. 595 00:39:43,756 --> 00:39:46,257 - Are you talking to me? - Yeah, I am. 596 00:39:47,259 --> 00:39:48,301 Question: 597 00:39:49,470 --> 00:39:53,014 In Hawaii, don't you use "Aloha" for hello and goodbye? 598 00:39:53,557 --> 00:39:54,974 So? 599 00:39:55,643 --> 00:39:58,895 If you're on the phone with someone who won't stop talking... 600 00:39:59,105 --> 00:40:01,564 ...and you say "aloha," don't they start again? 601 00:40:08,280 --> 00:40:10,323 At least she thinks I'm funny. 602 00:40:10,991 --> 00:40:12,909 Hart? Hart, do you copy? 603 00:40:14,036 --> 00:40:16,329 - What's up? - I don't know. It's not working. 604 00:40:16,539 --> 00:40:20,166 - It worked five minutes ago. - Who put it together? 605 00:40:25,131 --> 00:40:27,257 Check one, check one... 606 00:40:29,677 --> 00:40:32,262 Thank you so much. Thank you. 607 00:40:32,972 --> 00:40:34,597 For the past 21 years... 608 00:40:34,807 --> 00:40:38,184 ...it has been my honor to serve as director of this pageant. 609 00:40:38,352 --> 00:40:42,021 And I know that this year will be our most exciting event ever! 610 00:40:45,317 --> 00:40:47,569 Couple of geniuses I'm working with. 611 00:40:47,778 --> 00:40:51,781 After the rehearsal and a photo shoot, you can settle into your rooms. 612 00:40:51,991 --> 00:40:55,368 Tomorrow we will begin the preliminaries... 613 00:40:55,619 --> 00:40:58,037 ...hosted by our master of ceremonies... 614 00:40:58,205 --> 00:41:01,166 ...an American institution, Stan Fields. 615 00:41:06,338 --> 00:41:08,882 STAN: Thank you! Oh, thank you, Kathy! 616 00:41:10,468 --> 00:41:12,552 Let's go! Get it back online! 617 00:41:12,720 --> 00:41:14,220 HARRIS: We're working on it. CLONSKY: We're trying. 618 00:41:14,472 --> 00:41:15,972 Thank you, Kathy. 619 00:41:16,223 --> 00:41:18,391 Isn't she ravishing?! 620 00:41:19,560 --> 00:41:21,519 How does she do it? 621 00:41:21,729 --> 00:41:26,608 I look in the mirror and say, "Who's that old man in my pajamas?" 622 00:41:29,820 --> 00:41:34,157 And even though I'll be retiring this year... 623 00:41:36,160 --> 00:41:38,912 Well, don't cry for me... Alabama. 624 00:41:39,622 --> 00:41:42,415 That's so sad. He's retiring. 625 00:41:42,666 --> 00:41:44,417 He's not retiring. 626 00:41:44,668 --> 00:41:47,629 I spoke to him this morning, and he blurted it out. 627 00:41:47,838 --> 00:41:52,217 They're firing him, going for someone newer and younger. 628 00:41:53,219 --> 00:41:55,553 I hope it's Ricky Martin. 629 00:41:56,430 --> 00:41:57,764 Hey, hey, hey. 630 00:42:00,184 --> 00:42:01,726 Jesus Christ! 631 00:42:03,145 --> 00:42:04,187 Oh. 632 00:42:07,441 --> 00:42:09,400 Oh, I uh... 633 00:42:10,528 --> 00:42:14,739 I'm sorry. I had a bite of my bagel and I forgot to pray. 634 00:42:18,577 --> 00:42:20,787 Dear Jesus, please forgive me... 635 00:42:21,038 --> 00:42:24,541 ...for not praying before I had a bite of my bagel and schmeer. 636 00:42:24,750 --> 00:42:26,042 Thank you very much. 637 00:42:26,544 --> 00:42:27,794 Amen. 638 00:42:36,971 --> 00:42:39,889 [ABBA'S "DANCING QUEEN" PLAYS] 639 00:43:25,352 --> 00:43:26,352 - Hi! - Hi. 640 00:43:26,604 --> 00:43:28,354 I hope I'm not disturbing you. 641 00:43:28,606 --> 00:43:31,024 Oh, no, I was just, you know... 642 00:43:31,358 --> 00:43:32,525 ...grooming. 643 00:43:32,776 --> 00:43:35,528 I made some of my famous hot chocolate. 644 00:43:38,490 --> 00:43:39,866 Oh, um... 645 00:43:40,743 --> 00:43:44,621 My roommate's asleep, or she's starting to mold. 646 00:43:45,372 --> 00:43:47,540 But do you want to come in? 647 00:43:57,718 --> 00:43:59,677 CHERYL: I asked some of the other girls... 648 00:43:59,887 --> 00:44:02,889 ...but when they heard "chocolate" they slammed their doors. 649 00:44:03,182 --> 00:44:05,892 They didn't give me a chance to say "nonfat." 650 00:44:07,394 --> 00:44:09,145 Well, here's to... 651 00:44:09,855 --> 00:44:11,272 ...world peace. 652 00:44:11,774 --> 00:44:13,316 World peace. 653 00:44:15,361 --> 00:44:16,569 Mmm. 654 00:44:18,697 --> 00:44:19,781 Mm. 655 00:44:20,366 --> 00:44:21,407 Hot. 656 00:44:21,575 --> 00:44:22,742 I'm sorry. 657 00:44:23,494 --> 00:44:25,078 I have to tell you... 658 00:44:25,329 --> 00:44:29,666 ...I thought it was really great how you settled that argument today. 659 00:44:30,000 --> 00:44:31,918 "Aloha, aloha." 660 00:44:32,086 --> 00:44:33,836 That's why you're gonna win. 661 00:44:34,338 --> 00:44:35,922 You're so clever. 662 00:44:36,090 --> 00:44:39,550 You should tell jokes for your talent. What is your talent? 663 00:44:40,719 --> 00:44:43,179 It's... It's kind of like... 664 00:44:43,555 --> 00:44:46,307 It's, you know, it's like a surprise. 665 00:44:46,600 --> 00:44:48,351 - Oh. - Yeah, yeah. 666 00:44:48,560 --> 00:44:51,187 But don't worry, it's nothing embarrassing. 667 00:44:51,605 --> 00:44:54,732 Not anything like baton twirling or anything. 668 00:44:56,819 --> 00:44:58,945 So, what's your talent? 669 00:45:01,407 --> 00:45:03,700 Oh, Cheryl, I'm sorry. 670 00:45:04,952 --> 00:45:07,829 Twirling can be a real art. 671 00:45:08,038 --> 00:45:11,541 I saw this cheerleader doing it at a football game. 672 00:45:11,750 --> 00:45:15,628 She lit her batons on fire and did this sexy dance. 673 00:45:15,838 --> 00:45:17,797 I wish I could do something like that. 674 00:45:17,965 --> 00:45:19,048 Why can't you? 675 00:45:19,299 --> 00:45:22,051 My parents don't like anything ostentatious. 676 00:45:22,302 --> 00:45:24,595 And they really don't like fire. 677 00:45:26,598 --> 00:45:30,977 Cheryl, I think you have as good a chance as anyone to win. 678 00:45:31,228 --> 00:45:34,230 You believe in yourself to have gotten this far, right? 679 00:45:35,065 --> 00:45:36,649 - Really? - Yeah. 680 00:45:37,568 --> 00:45:38,609 Wow. 681 00:45:39,903 --> 00:45:43,489 You're so nice and so smart and so sensitive. 682 00:45:43,657 --> 00:45:45,408 You're definitely gonna win. 683 00:45:45,576 --> 00:45:46,617 That's it. 684 00:45:47,077 --> 00:45:51,080 Excuse me. I am in the middle of a REM cycle over here. 685 00:45:51,290 --> 00:45:52,915 - Sorry. - I'm sorry. 686 00:46:10,392 --> 00:46:11,934 Yes. 687 00:46:17,858 --> 00:46:19,484 [KNOCKING] 688 00:46:24,448 --> 00:46:26,532 Not happening. 689 00:46:30,954 --> 00:46:32,872 - What? - You took your earpiece out. 690 00:46:33,040 --> 00:46:34,624 - Vic needs you. - Now? 691 00:46:34,833 --> 00:46:37,502 - I haven't slept in two days! - I'll give you a cookie. 692 00:46:37,961 --> 00:46:39,921 It better be a big one. 693 00:46:42,216 --> 00:46:44,634 VICTOR: You don't walk, you float. 694 00:46:44,843 --> 00:46:47,970 Gently descending, you don't look down. 695 00:46:48,180 --> 00:46:51,974 Go back up and do it again. Never, ever look down, okay? 696 00:46:52,184 --> 00:46:54,310 Thighs touching... 697 00:46:55,145 --> 00:46:57,230 - Touching, not clenching. - I'm touching. 698 00:46:57,439 --> 00:47:01,442 There's a gap between knees and calves, your calves and your ankles. 699 00:47:01,652 --> 00:47:05,238 Right now there's a huge gap between my brain and my spinal cord. 700 00:47:06,865 --> 00:47:08,574 Here. Take these. 701 00:47:27,261 --> 00:47:28,886 What, no armored car? 702 00:47:29,179 --> 00:47:31,180 That would be in my other dress. 703 00:47:31,849 --> 00:47:35,935 What are you planning to do for your talent? Sing? Dance? 704 00:47:36,270 --> 00:47:38,104 Chew with your mouth closed? 705 00:47:38,272 --> 00:47:40,606 I'll do whatever you want, Yoda. 706 00:47:40,774 --> 00:47:42,233 Oh, Lord. 707 00:47:43,861 --> 00:47:45,194 Agent Matthews! 708 00:47:45,529 --> 00:47:49,365 - This woman has no talent! - Don't shout it in front of her. 709 00:47:49,575 --> 00:47:53,202 I wasn't told to provide a talent. I can't do so in the next five hours! 710 00:47:53,495 --> 00:47:54,537 Wait a minute. 711 00:47:54,705 --> 00:47:56,122 What are you talking about? 712 00:47:56,290 --> 00:47:58,791 She'll be on-stage with nothing to do... 713 00:47:59,042 --> 00:48:01,544 ...but convert oxygen into carbon dioxide! 714 00:48:01,795 --> 00:48:06,132 You said you couldn't make her pretty in two days, but she's gorgeous. 715 00:48:06,383 --> 00:48:08,968 Compared to the car wreck she was before. 716 00:48:09,219 --> 00:48:12,638 My duties are stated in a contract, and I have fulfilled them. 717 00:48:12,806 --> 00:48:15,725 - You talent her up by tomorrow or... - Are you threatening me? 718 00:48:15,934 --> 00:48:19,312 - Listen to me, you old fruitcake! - How dare you, you cupcake! 719 00:48:19,563 --> 00:48:23,733 There's something I know how to do. I haven't done it since high school... 720 00:48:23,942 --> 00:48:27,528 - You're not having sex on this stage. - I didn't know it was an option. 721 00:48:27,738 --> 00:48:30,406 This thing, I just have to call room service. 722 00:48:30,991 --> 00:48:32,158 Miss Hart. 723 00:48:32,409 --> 00:48:33,659 Please. 724 00:48:37,289 --> 00:48:39,457 Thank you. And the other one. 725 00:48:42,252 --> 00:48:43,336 Thank you. 726 00:48:50,344 --> 00:48:52,136 All right, all right, all right. 727 00:48:53,639 --> 00:48:56,140 Happy, you doughnut Nazi? 728 00:49:34,846 --> 00:49:37,598 Did I tell you Stan Fields was getting fired? 729 00:49:37,849 --> 00:49:41,352 I'm on it. You just concentrate on being Gracie Lou, all right. 730 00:49:42,145 --> 00:49:44,730 And by the way, you're doing a great job. 731 00:49:45,399 --> 00:49:47,692 I thought the evening gown looked... 732 00:49:48,819 --> 00:49:51,737 - I totally bought it. - I know, you think I'm gorgeous. 733 00:49:51,989 --> 00:49:53,489 I don't think you're gorgeous. 734 00:49:53,824 --> 00:49:56,492 You think I'm gorgeous. 735 00:49:56,743 --> 00:49:59,120 You want to kiss me. 736 00:49:59,329 --> 00:50:00,913 You want to hug me... 737 00:50:01,164 --> 00:50:03,624 McDonald's more feminine. I'd rather kiss him. 738 00:50:03,875 --> 00:50:07,211 - love me. You want to hug me. 739 00:50:07,421 --> 00:50:09,046 You want to smooch me. 740 00:50:19,016 --> 00:50:20,683 Enjoy the rest of your night. 741 00:50:34,656 --> 00:50:36,866 Gracie, you look so tired. 742 00:50:37,451 --> 00:50:39,535 MARY JO: Oh, she had a busy night. 743 00:50:39,745 --> 00:50:42,705 I saw that gentleman stop by the room. 744 00:50:42,873 --> 00:50:43,914 CHERYL: Gentleman? 745 00:50:44,124 --> 00:50:45,958 Uh-huh. 746 00:50:46,418 --> 00:50:50,296 - No men in the room. - It's different on the mainland. 747 00:50:50,464 --> 00:50:53,591 Hold on, ladies. Let's hear her side of the story. 748 00:50:53,884 --> 00:50:55,301 You sleeping with a judge? 749 00:50:57,804 --> 00:50:59,180 Oh. 750 00:50:59,598 --> 00:51:01,974 Oh, that guy? No. 751 00:51:02,225 --> 00:51:05,686 No, no, I was dating him for a little while because... 752 00:51:05,896 --> 00:51:08,189 ...he said he had an incurable disease. 753 00:51:11,318 --> 00:51:13,694 I didn't realize it was stupidity. 754 00:51:13,904 --> 00:51:16,072 MARY JO: Oh, I know what that's like. - All right. 755 00:51:16,281 --> 00:51:17,948 He is such a pathetic loser. 756 00:51:18,158 --> 00:51:22,119 I'm sorry he's obsessed with me, but at some point it's like, "Hello!" 757 00:51:22,329 --> 00:51:25,122 "Move on! Get over yourself!" 758 00:51:25,832 --> 00:51:27,708 His ego is this big. 759 00:51:27,918 --> 00:51:30,503 But his equipment is like this big! 760 00:51:31,671 --> 00:51:34,006 Good cover! We worked that out together. 761 00:51:34,341 --> 00:51:36,008 HART: Use it for a needle. 762 00:51:36,218 --> 00:51:38,427 Back to work. Get ready for the Alamo. 763 00:51:40,138 --> 00:51:42,264 Thank you. Thank you. 764 00:51:42,599 --> 00:51:47,269 And welcome to the Miss United States Preliminary... 765 00:51:47,479 --> 00:51:50,773 ...here at the beautiful and historical Alamo! 766 00:51:53,360 --> 00:51:55,486 Prepare for what promises to be... 767 00:51:55,695 --> 00:51:59,615 ...a day of astounding musical, theatrical and dancing talent. 768 00:51:59,825 --> 00:52:02,535 And after I'm finished, you can see the ladies. 769 00:52:02,744 --> 00:52:03,786 Oh, yes! 770 00:52:06,331 --> 00:52:07,957 And now, put it together... 771 00:52:08,166 --> 00:52:11,794 ...for Miss Mary Jo Wright from Texas! 772 00:52:14,256 --> 00:52:19,051 You light up my life 773 00:52:23,890 --> 00:52:28,894 [SINGS OPERA] 774 00:52:49,207 --> 00:52:51,041 What's her talent, bartending? 775 00:52:52,252 --> 00:52:54,211 [CRYSTAL HUMS] 776 00:52:59,885 --> 00:53:02,678 [HUMS SOFTER] 777 00:53:15,942 --> 00:53:20,905 I made it very clear you weren't responsible for making her credible. 778 00:53:23,700 --> 00:53:25,951 I wish I could explain... 779 00:53:26,411 --> 00:53:28,871 ...but there are no words. 780 00:53:41,927 --> 00:53:43,260 Eagle-Eye. 781 00:53:44,137 --> 00:53:46,847 You might want to check out cowboy at 1:00. 782 00:53:47,807 --> 00:53:50,100 My 1:00 or your 1:00? 783 00:53:50,352 --> 00:53:52,645 The one under the white Stetson. 784 00:53:52,896 --> 00:53:54,980 There's Stetsons everywhere. 785 00:53:58,276 --> 00:53:59,568 He's moving, he's moving. 786 00:53:59,945 --> 00:54:02,947 HART: Toward the stage. - Hold on, we're checking it out. 787 00:54:03,573 --> 00:54:04,615 Guys. 788 00:54:09,454 --> 00:54:11,872 Guys, he has a gun. He has a gun. 789 00:54:12,791 --> 00:54:15,167 HART: Who's got the 20 on the shooter? 790 00:54:17,295 --> 00:54:18,379 I'm taking him out. 791 00:54:18,588 --> 00:54:20,005 Wait for a visual! 792 00:54:22,008 --> 00:54:24,677 Gun! Gun! Everybody down! 793 00:54:28,640 --> 00:54:31,183 Better up to them, don't you think? 794 00:54:32,978 --> 00:54:36,272 NEWSCASTER: In a bizarre incident at the Miss United States Preliminaries... 795 00:54:36,481 --> 00:54:39,608 ...the contestant from New Jersey leapt off-stage... 796 00:54:39,818 --> 00:54:43,779 ...and tackled a man in the crowd who was trying to light a cigarette. 797 00:54:43,989 --> 00:54:46,407 She's here with me right now. 798 00:54:46,616 --> 00:54:49,952 What were you thinking when you jumped off the stage? 799 00:54:50,161 --> 00:54:54,623 All the contestants are actively involved in ending tobacco dependence. 800 00:54:54,833 --> 00:54:59,378 I think the gentleman will think twice before he lights up again. 801 00:54:59,546 --> 00:55:01,297 I'm sure we all will. 802 00:55:06,219 --> 00:55:08,053 - Look, he had a gun. - Of course. 803 00:55:08,305 --> 00:55:09,930 This is Texas, everyone has a gun. 804 00:55:10,140 --> 00:55:11,724 My florist has a gun. 805 00:55:12,017 --> 00:55:13,142 I don't have a gun. 806 00:55:13,393 --> 00:55:15,019 My ancestors were Quakers. 807 00:55:15,228 --> 00:55:17,187 Stan, please! 808 00:55:17,522 --> 00:55:20,149 We assume any man with a weapon is a suspect. 809 00:55:20,358 --> 00:55:21,984 We got the DNA results. 810 00:55:22,193 --> 00:55:25,321 The envelope from the Citizen was licked by a woman. 811 00:55:25,572 --> 00:55:27,364 There's never been DNA before. 812 00:55:27,907 --> 00:55:30,242 He slipped up, or I should say "she." 813 00:55:30,493 --> 00:55:32,161 This is preposterous. 814 00:55:32,537 --> 00:55:34,580 You people are completely clueless. 815 00:55:34,831 --> 00:55:38,208 If I ran my pageant like this, we'd be holding it in someone's basement! 816 00:55:38,418 --> 00:55:41,545 Every operation is bound to have its screwups. 817 00:55:41,755 --> 00:55:44,214 As far as I can see, she's still with us. 818 00:55:45,717 --> 00:55:46,884 Oh, God! 819 00:55:47,093 --> 00:55:50,262 Could I have a moment alone with Miss Hart, please? 820 00:55:50,472 --> 00:55:51,597 Sure. 821 00:55:54,726 --> 00:55:56,393 Just for a tiny minute. 822 00:55:56,728 --> 00:55:59,229 We'll just be a moment. Shop talk. 823 00:55:59,439 --> 00:56:00,522 Hair, gel, mousse. 824 00:56:02,942 --> 00:56:06,445 Look, I know I made a mistake. I'm sorry. 825 00:56:09,115 --> 00:56:13,035 I've been fighting all my life against your type. 826 00:56:13,244 --> 00:56:16,246 The ones who think we're a bunch of worthless airheads. 827 00:56:16,790 --> 00:56:18,040 You know who I mean. 828 00:56:18,291 --> 00:56:19,625 Feminists... 829 00:56:19,876 --> 00:56:21,377 ...intellectuals... 830 00:56:21,586 --> 00:56:22,711 ...ugly women. 831 00:56:23,254 --> 00:56:25,631 I refuse to give in to their cynicism. 832 00:56:26,007 --> 00:56:30,469 That's why I have dedicated my entire life to this scholarship. 833 00:56:31,137 --> 00:56:32,763 No one's going to ruin that. 834 00:56:33,765 --> 00:56:35,140 Not this year. 835 00:56:36,017 --> 00:56:38,560 You get in my way, I will kill you. 836 00:56:40,230 --> 00:56:41,522 Do you understand? 837 00:56:42,607 --> 00:56:43,649 Yeah. 838 00:56:43,900 --> 00:56:45,651 - Yes! - Yes. 839 00:56:55,662 --> 00:56:56,662 KATHY: Frank! 840 00:56:57,622 --> 00:57:02,251 The interview is the single most important part of the pageant. 841 00:57:02,460 --> 00:57:05,170 It accounts for 30% of your total score. 842 00:57:05,338 --> 00:57:07,673 What's the other 70%, cleavage? 843 00:57:09,509 --> 00:57:13,137 Is this your idea of doing final preps on the convention center? 844 00:57:13,763 --> 00:57:16,974 Look. Liberace's got her in a nice evening gown. 845 00:57:17,434 --> 00:57:21,937 McDonald called. He saw Hart's anti- smoking commercial. He's on his way. 846 00:57:22,188 --> 00:57:25,649 Good, perfect. I'd hate for him to fire me over the phone. 847 00:57:25,859 --> 00:57:26,942 I can't believe this! 848 00:57:27,110 --> 00:57:28,152 lt'll be ugly. 849 00:57:28,361 --> 00:57:29,361 No shit. 850 00:57:29,863 --> 00:57:32,197 I gotta do something. I'm gonna go do laps. 851 00:57:32,365 --> 00:57:34,992 We'll go over tomorrow's assignments. 852 00:57:35,201 --> 00:57:36,326 You got it. 853 00:57:36,619 --> 00:57:37,995 Hands folded... 854 00:57:38,705 --> 00:57:40,622 ...ankles crossed. 855 00:57:40,832 --> 00:57:41,957 Neck up! 856 00:57:42,167 --> 00:57:44,168 And remember, smile. 857 00:57:44,377 --> 00:57:48,005 Smilers wear a crown, losers wear a frown. 858 00:57:48,339 --> 00:57:51,049 I would so love to hurt you right now. 859 00:57:51,217 --> 00:57:53,719 As long as you smile. 860 00:57:54,220 --> 00:57:55,220 Now... 861 00:57:55,722 --> 00:57:58,098 Why is New Jersey called... 862 00:57:58,391 --> 00:57:59,516 ...the Garden State? 863 00:57:59,726 --> 00:58:04,229 You can't fit "Oil and petrochemical refinery state" on a license plate? 864 00:58:04,481 --> 00:58:06,899 I don't appreciate your immaturity... 865 00:58:07,150 --> 00:58:09,067 ...when I'm working as hard as I am. 866 00:58:09,235 --> 00:58:12,863 What's the big deal? It's fixed, I'm in the top five. 867 00:58:13,072 --> 00:58:14,990 Congratulations to me. 868 00:58:15,200 --> 00:58:19,912 Is that enough? Have you no pride in yourself, in your presentation? 869 00:58:20,205 --> 00:58:24,124 I'm an FBI agent, right? I'm not a performing monkey in heels. 870 00:58:24,334 --> 00:58:26,919 You're also a person, and an incomplete one at that! 871 00:58:27,170 --> 00:58:30,756 In place of friends and relationships, you have sarcasm and a gun. 872 00:58:30,924 --> 00:58:32,132 Oh, I have sarcasm? 873 00:58:32,342 --> 00:58:35,844 When every word that comes out of your mouth is dripping with disdain? 874 00:58:36,137 --> 00:58:40,599 That is because I am a miserable, grumpy elitist, and that works for me. 875 00:58:40,767 --> 00:58:43,644 I don't have relationships because I don't want them. 876 00:58:43,853 --> 00:58:47,439 And I don't have friends because I work 24-7. 877 00:58:47,649 --> 00:58:50,943 And you have no idea why I am the way that I am. 878 00:58:51,194 --> 00:58:54,279 As we're practicing interviews, why are you the way you are? 879 00:58:54,531 --> 00:58:56,240 None of your damn business. 880 00:58:56,449 --> 00:58:59,284 The judges probably have never heard that before. 881 00:58:59,452 --> 00:59:01,453 We have more to do here. 882 00:59:03,456 --> 00:59:05,415 No, we are finished. 883 00:59:06,793 --> 00:59:08,168 Finished. 884 00:59:10,713 --> 00:59:13,966 - Give me a 20 on Matthews. - Be advised he's at the pool. 885 00:59:17,720 --> 00:59:19,972 "How do you feel about gun control?" 886 00:59:20,306 --> 00:59:21,682 Favorable. 887 00:59:30,817 --> 00:59:33,569 Thought I'd let you know I was quitting. Take care. 888 00:59:34,237 --> 00:59:36,071 Hold on. Wait a minute. 889 00:59:36,698 --> 00:59:39,825 - What do you mean? - I mean, you got the wrong girl. 890 00:59:39,993 --> 00:59:41,076 All right? 891 00:59:41,286 --> 00:59:42,411 I do not need this now. 892 00:59:42,662 --> 00:59:46,331 That's what I'm saying! I'm totally screwing up in there! 893 00:59:46,499 --> 00:59:48,792 I don't feel like a real agent anymore. 894 00:59:49,002 --> 00:59:51,503 I mean, Vic says this thing that's so... 895 00:59:52,088 --> 00:59:55,299 I don't care what he said, you know? I don't care. 896 00:59:55,508 --> 00:59:57,009 Because I am the job... 897 00:59:57,260 --> 00:59:59,803 ...and I'm okay with that. You're the job? 898 01:00:00,263 --> 01:00:02,347 Yeah, I'm the job. We're all the job. 899 01:00:02,515 --> 01:00:04,474 Then what's wrong with me? 900 01:00:04,684 --> 01:00:08,353 I date. I know everyone thinks I haven't had a date in 10 years. 901 01:00:08,605 --> 01:00:09,855 Is that what you think? 902 01:00:10,732 --> 01:00:12,024 I think you date. 903 01:00:12,275 --> 01:00:13,775 Damn right I do. 904 01:00:14,277 --> 01:00:16,320 But both times it was screwed up. 905 01:00:17,530 --> 01:00:19,865 I don't even care. All I want to do... 906 01:00:20,116 --> 01:00:21,950 ...is my job. 907 01:00:22,201 --> 01:00:25,370 For the last three days I feel like I'm completely lost. 908 01:00:25,622 --> 01:00:28,373 I've been waiting five years to run my own op. 909 01:00:28,625 --> 01:00:31,668 - Would I blow it on the wrong girl? - You picked me... 910 01:00:31,878 --> 01:00:34,838 ...because I looked good and wasn't on maternity leave. 911 01:00:35,048 --> 01:00:38,050 No, that's why they let me pick you. Know why? 912 01:00:38,301 --> 01:00:40,052 - Lost a bet. - You're smart... 913 01:00:40,261 --> 01:00:44,681 ...and funny and you're easy to talk to when you're unarmed. 914 01:00:45,642 --> 01:00:48,810 Give yourself a break and cut Vic some slack. 915 01:00:49,020 --> 01:00:51,480 Because if they see what I see, then... 916 01:00:52,857 --> 01:00:54,066 ...they'll love you. 917 01:00:58,071 --> 01:00:59,404 So, what do you say? 918 01:01:05,787 --> 01:01:07,079 I won't let you down. 919 01:01:07,372 --> 01:01:09,081 Good, that's what I want to hear. 920 01:01:09,290 --> 01:01:12,334 In all honesty, I might let you down. 921 01:01:12,585 --> 01:01:15,796 But I'll try my best not to. 922 01:01:19,050 --> 01:01:20,509 Do not mess with the dress. 923 01:01:27,266 --> 01:01:29,935 Oh, Vic is gonna kill you. 924 01:01:30,937 --> 01:01:32,562 You in big trouble. 925 01:01:32,772 --> 01:01:34,398 Why? You fell. 926 01:01:34,607 --> 01:01:36,108 - You look good wet. - Shut up! 927 01:01:50,123 --> 01:01:53,125 Whoa, guys, Hart's in the dressing room. Come on. 928 01:01:53,334 --> 01:01:56,461 HARRIS: You see the legs on that girl? CLONSKY: Who's your daddy? 929 01:02:12,478 --> 01:02:14,146 Those better be candy dishes! 930 01:02:14,647 --> 01:02:15,647 Turn around. 931 01:02:18,151 --> 01:02:19,484 Open. 932 01:02:21,070 --> 01:02:23,488 This guy's like an inch from death! 933 01:02:24,782 --> 01:02:26,908 AGENT: But what a way to go! 934 01:02:27,118 --> 01:02:29,828 - Break it up. Nothing to see. - What do you mean? 935 01:02:30,288 --> 01:02:31,955 She's a federal agent. Come on. 936 01:02:35,084 --> 01:02:38,128 Guess it's time to apply at my local Hooters. 937 01:02:38,504 --> 01:02:42,174 Hemorrhoid ointment? You think the judges will look that closely? 938 01:02:42,383 --> 01:02:44,509 It's for the baggies under your eyes. 939 01:02:44,802 --> 01:02:45,886 Really? 940 01:02:47,305 --> 01:02:49,890 Good, hair spray. Finally something I recognize. 941 01:02:50,975 --> 01:02:52,392 What are you doing? 942 01:02:52,602 --> 01:02:54,770 It stops the suit from riding up. 943 01:02:54,937 --> 01:02:55,979 Riding up where? 944 01:02:56,314 --> 01:02:58,190 Just up! 945 01:02:58,357 --> 01:02:59,399 That's enough! 946 01:02:59,609 --> 01:03:01,026 Why do you make things hard? 947 01:03:01,277 --> 01:03:04,780 I can see this is an incredibly embarrassing situation for you. 948 01:03:05,031 --> 01:03:08,450 Why does Georgia get to wear a one-piece and I have to wear this?! 949 01:03:08,659 --> 01:03:12,621 If you can do this, then you can convince anyone that you belong here. 950 01:03:12,830 --> 01:03:14,414 Places, everybody! Let's go! 951 01:03:14,624 --> 01:03:19,961 The Swimsuit Preliminary accounts for 15% of the total score... 952 01:03:20,213 --> 01:03:23,715 ...and tests the grace, athleticism and poise... 953 01:03:23,966 --> 01:03:26,468 ...of each lovely woman. 954 01:03:27,512 --> 01:03:30,555 The last time I was naked in public, I came out of a uterus. 955 01:03:30,723 --> 01:03:33,975 I don't have breasts, my thighs... I should wear a muumuu. 956 01:03:34,185 --> 01:03:36,436 I have avoided this experience all my life. 957 01:03:36,646 --> 01:03:39,439 And here it is. You must achieve a Zen-like state. 958 01:03:39,649 --> 01:03:42,234 Listen to your breathing, feel your heart... 959 01:03:42,485 --> 01:03:44,319 ...think of the Dalai Lama. 960 01:04:04,257 --> 01:04:05,590 Texas! 961 01:04:10,513 --> 01:04:11,555 Rhode Island! 962 01:04:16,602 --> 01:04:18,103 New Jersey! 963 01:04:29,282 --> 01:04:31,867 Dalai Lama, Dalai Lama, Dalai Lama... 964 01:04:33,786 --> 01:04:35,036 STAN: New York! 965 01:04:39,250 --> 01:04:40,792 California! 966 01:04:45,006 --> 01:04:47,632 I would have to say, world peace. 967 01:04:47,884 --> 01:04:50,427 Definitely, world peace. 968 01:04:50,720 --> 01:04:53,430 That's easy. World peace. 969 01:04:53,764 --> 01:04:54,806 World peace. 970 01:04:55,016 --> 01:04:59,895 What is the one most important thing our society needs? 971 01:05:01,063 --> 01:05:05,317 That would be harsher punishment for parole violators, Stan. 972 01:05:11,407 --> 01:05:14,659 And, world peace. 973 01:05:19,916 --> 01:05:21,416 Thank you, Gracie Lou. 974 01:05:21,626 --> 01:05:23,251 And thank you, Stan. 975 01:05:25,338 --> 01:05:28,340 Cheryl Frasier from Rhode Island. 976 01:05:29,342 --> 01:05:31,509 That was charming. Are you drunk? 977 01:05:31,677 --> 01:05:36,014 Glad you enjoyed it. Now excuse me, I have to go unscrew my smile. 978 01:05:36,349 --> 01:05:38,058 We got a lead. 979 01:05:38,267 --> 01:05:40,185 - The blood test? - Photos. 980 01:05:40,353 --> 01:05:43,355 Cheryl Frasier, with members of a radical animal rights group... 981 01:05:43,564 --> 01:05:46,024 ...involved in bombings. VIC: It's always the quiet ones. 982 01:05:46,192 --> 01:05:49,319 She fits the profile: loner, introverted. 983 01:05:49,570 --> 01:05:51,154 That Cheryl? 984 01:05:51,364 --> 01:05:54,950 Describe your perfect date. 985 01:05:56,369 --> 01:05:58,203 That's a tough one. 986 01:06:00,998 --> 01:06:03,875 I'd have to say April 25th... 987 01:06:04,168 --> 01:06:07,504 ...because it's not too hot, not too cold. 988 01:06:07,713 --> 01:06:10,215 All you need is a light jacket. 989 01:06:12,218 --> 01:06:14,719 Now, there is a hardened criminal. 990 01:06:16,222 --> 01:06:20,016 Maybe she's an accomplice. Maybe she's his inside connection. 991 01:06:20,226 --> 01:06:22,394 That's what you gotta find out. 992 01:06:22,561 --> 01:06:23,603 How? 993 01:06:23,813 --> 01:06:26,231 Buddy up to her, you know, girl talk. 994 01:06:26,399 --> 01:06:28,650 - Girl talk? - Yes, girl talk. 995 01:06:29,902 --> 01:06:31,903 Sorry, I'm totally drawing a blank. 996 01:06:32,113 --> 01:06:36,741 Leg waxing, fake orgasms, the inability of men to commit. 997 01:06:36,909 --> 01:06:38,368 Why don't you talk to her? 998 01:06:39,704 --> 01:06:43,540 lmagine she's me and you want to know, but I don't want to talk about it. 999 01:06:43,749 --> 01:06:45,125 What would you do? 1000 01:06:45,418 --> 01:06:47,002 You want me to beat her? 1001 01:06:47,628 --> 01:06:48,753 Why don't you talk to her? 1002 01:06:49,005 --> 01:06:51,256 Okay, forget about it. I will go. 1003 01:06:51,924 --> 01:06:53,591 Put that back in your ear. 1004 01:06:53,759 --> 01:06:55,927 I can't talk girl talk with a guy in my head. 1005 01:06:56,137 --> 01:06:58,263 I can't even do it with me in my head. 1006 01:07:01,142 --> 01:07:02,642 Girl talk. 1007 01:07:10,609 --> 01:07:12,068 Oh, my God! 1008 01:07:12,361 --> 01:07:14,654 Hey, Rhode Island, how you doing? 1009 01:07:14,864 --> 01:07:18,033 How can you ask that? You heard my interview. 1010 01:07:18,784 --> 01:07:21,161 I was like a female Rain Man. 1011 01:07:21,370 --> 01:07:24,289 Oh, no, it def-def-definitely wasn't Rain Man. 1012 01:07:24,540 --> 01:07:26,041 Definitely not Rain Man. 1013 01:07:26,292 --> 01:07:29,044 Come and have a midnight snack with me and some... 1014 01:07:29,295 --> 01:07:30,628 ...girl talk. 1015 01:07:30,796 --> 01:07:33,882 Are you crazy? We can't have pizza and beer! 1016 01:07:34,091 --> 01:07:36,760 Do you know how many calories you're talking about? 1017 01:07:36,969 --> 01:07:39,554 It's light beer and she's gonna throw it up anyway. 1018 01:07:39,722 --> 01:07:40,764 Come on. 1019 01:07:41,182 --> 01:07:43,641 Come with. No? 1020 01:07:43,809 --> 01:07:45,435 No takers? No? 1021 01:07:46,979 --> 01:07:48,813 All right, I'll just... 1022 01:07:49,065 --> 01:07:52,317 ...sit here. You guys go back on your bicycles... 1023 01:07:52,568 --> 01:07:56,821 ...and I'll sit here with my very large, cheesy pizza. 1024 01:07:57,198 --> 01:07:59,240 Oh, look at all that cheese. 1025 01:07:59,450 --> 01:08:00,492 Mmm, mm, mm. 1026 01:08:00,743 --> 01:08:02,660 Cheryl, don't. 1027 01:08:02,828 --> 01:08:05,163 At least scrape off the toppings. 1028 01:08:05,331 --> 01:08:09,084 First step, pizza. Second step, flaming batons... 1029 01:08:11,420 --> 01:08:13,421 [MOANING] 1030 01:08:13,631 --> 01:08:15,924 ALANA: Let me have some. Oh, yeah. 1031 01:08:16,092 --> 01:08:18,426 I guess we'll be needing more pizza. 1032 01:08:19,470 --> 01:08:22,597 [DANCE MUSIC PLAYS] 1033 01:08:36,237 --> 01:08:39,155 - I want another drink! - Okay! 1034 01:08:39,865 --> 01:08:41,533 We're gonna get a drink. 1035 01:08:58,801 --> 01:09:00,802 Another round, ladies? 1036 01:09:01,554 --> 01:09:04,139 - I can't do another one! HART: Yes, you can! 1037 01:09:12,898 --> 01:09:14,232 This is so weird! 1038 01:09:14,400 --> 01:09:17,193 This is my third one and I don't feel a thing! 1039 01:09:17,403 --> 01:09:18,403 Really? 1040 01:09:18,654 --> 01:09:20,905 Like when I did my interview question. 1041 01:09:21,198 --> 01:09:23,032 Don't worry, we all sucked. 1042 01:09:23,409 --> 01:09:27,078 You know, I had such a good answer to that question too. 1043 01:09:27,288 --> 01:09:30,415 My idea of a perfect date would be a man... 1044 01:09:30,708 --> 01:09:32,834 ...who takes me to a romantic dinner. 1045 01:09:33,085 --> 01:09:36,254 Then we walk along the beach barefoot, discussing books... 1046 01:09:36,422 --> 01:09:39,382 ...and music and movies! 1047 01:09:39,592 --> 01:09:40,800 Aw. 1048 01:09:41,010 --> 01:09:42,385 No wonder you're still a virgin. 1049 01:09:45,514 --> 01:09:47,932 Time to paint. Come on. 1050 01:09:48,100 --> 01:09:49,726 No, my contacts. 1051 01:09:49,935 --> 01:09:51,102 [SPEAKS IN SPANISH] 1052 01:09:51,312 --> 01:09:53,229 - We'll stay here. - I want more pizza. 1053 01:09:53,439 --> 01:09:55,607 We're gonna have more pizza and beer. 1054 01:09:58,194 --> 01:09:59,527 Have fun! 1055 01:09:59,945 --> 01:10:03,072 - This is so much fun. - Yeah, it's fun. 1056 01:10:03,282 --> 01:10:05,325 It's so fun it should be illegal. 1057 01:10:05,618 --> 01:10:08,453 Speaking of illegal, have you ever, like... 1058 01:10:08,704 --> 01:10:10,079 ...committed a crime? 1059 01:10:11,248 --> 01:10:12,540 Yes! 1060 01:10:13,626 --> 01:10:15,293 Yes, I did. 1061 01:10:17,546 --> 01:10:18,713 Go on. 1062 01:10:20,132 --> 01:10:23,635 One time I stole red underwear from the department store. 1063 01:10:23,928 --> 01:10:25,637 My mother wouldn't buy them! 1064 01:10:25,930 --> 01:10:28,640 She said they were Satan's panties. 1065 01:10:31,393 --> 01:10:33,478 - So is that it? - Yeah. 1066 01:10:33,729 --> 01:10:36,981 Oh, there was this one thing in college... 1067 01:10:37,149 --> 01:10:39,150 ...with my lit professor. 1068 01:10:39,401 --> 01:10:44,280 One day I came to his office. He said he wanted to discuss a paper I wrote. 1069 01:10:45,241 --> 01:10:47,742 He wanted to discuss a paper, right? 1070 01:10:47,952 --> 01:10:50,662 Hey, can I get another one of these tubie things? 1071 01:10:50,913 --> 01:10:52,872 Yeah, can we get another tubie? 1072 01:10:53,874 --> 01:10:56,084 Anyway, he attacked me. 1073 01:10:58,671 --> 01:11:01,172 Cheryl, did you report him? 1074 01:11:01,423 --> 01:11:04,467 No, I never told anyone before this. 1075 01:11:04,760 --> 01:11:07,011 I know that happens all the time. 1076 01:11:07,179 --> 01:11:09,514 No, it doesn't! Cheryl, it doesn't. 1077 01:11:09,682 --> 01:11:12,642 There are so many maneuvers that I could show you. 1078 01:11:12,893 --> 01:11:14,018 Really? 1079 01:11:14,186 --> 01:11:16,437 Yeah! Come on, get up. 1080 01:11:18,524 --> 01:11:20,692 I want you to firmly plant your feet. 1081 01:11:20,901 --> 01:11:22,527 I'm gonna move the chair. 1082 01:11:22,778 --> 01:11:24,612 Now if someone comes at you... 1083 01:11:31,704 --> 01:11:34,038 She's completely trashed. 1084 01:11:34,290 --> 01:11:37,667 We should get her back before Miss Morningside finds out. 1085 01:11:37,918 --> 01:11:40,712 Kathy's got a boot up her ass about something. 1086 01:11:40,963 --> 01:11:43,840 I don't think she ever got over those rumors. 1087 01:11:44,049 --> 01:11:45,216 Come again? 1088 01:11:45,426 --> 01:11:47,385 Her pageant years she was a runner-up. 1089 01:11:47,553 --> 01:11:50,513 But then the winner mysteriously got food poisoning. 1090 01:11:50,723 --> 01:11:51,931 Bizarro! 1091 01:11:52,141 --> 01:11:55,560 No, Stan told me she got a letter a few weeks back from the network... 1092 01:11:55,811 --> 01:11:58,229 ...and they're firing her too! 1093 01:11:58,439 --> 01:12:01,566 She threw a chair out the window! 1094 01:12:02,985 --> 01:12:04,736 We gotta go. Come on. 1095 01:12:05,070 --> 01:12:07,572 I got 20 people here waiting for confirmation. 1096 01:12:13,454 --> 01:12:15,663 Don't tell me I don't understand. 1097 01:12:15,873 --> 01:12:17,957 I hate when I don't see a wet paint sign. 1098 01:12:18,167 --> 01:12:19,334 Stop it. Listen. 1099 01:12:19,585 --> 01:12:22,962 - Can't hear you, took out my earpiece. - I have a lead and it's not Cheryl. 1100 01:12:23,172 --> 01:12:25,590 Forget it. They bagged the Citizen. 1101 01:12:26,008 --> 01:12:27,467 What? Where? 1102 01:12:28,093 --> 01:12:29,719 It's confirmed. 1103 01:12:30,054 --> 01:12:32,096 He was holing up in a shack in Nevada. 1104 01:12:32,681 --> 01:12:35,058 Place had enough C4 to make a new Grand Canyon. 1105 01:12:35,267 --> 01:12:37,101 Let's pack up and get out of here. 1106 01:12:38,479 --> 01:12:41,439 Sir, I need to talk to you. One second of your time. 1107 01:12:42,024 --> 01:12:43,608 - Hart. - Hear me out a second. 1108 01:12:43,859 --> 01:12:48,071 I feel the situation bears further scrutiny and our continued presence. 1109 01:12:48,280 --> 01:12:51,532 Do you have paint in your ears? We caught the guy! 1110 01:12:51,742 --> 01:12:54,744 I respect what you're saying. I'd say the same to me... 1111 01:12:54,995 --> 01:12:56,871 ...but what if we were wrong? 1112 01:12:57,414 --> 01:13:00,792 What if the Citizen didn't send it? What if it was a copycat? 1113 01:13:01,710 --> 01:13:04,087 The letter didn't follow the normal pattern. 1114 01:13:04,296 --> 01:13:06,464 The linguistic scheme was uncharacteristic... 1115 01:13:06,632 --> 01:13:09,008 ...and the DNA said it was a woman! 1116 01:13:09,593 --> 01:13:12,387 Maybe he got his girlfriend to lick the envelope. 1117 01:13:12,596 --> 01:13:14,889 I think we have reason to monitor Morningside. 1118 01:13:15,099 --> 01:13:18,476 Why don't you jump on her dressed like a Bavarian fruitcake? 1119 01:13:18,644 --> 01:13:21,437 You're the reason I had to drag myself down here... 1120 01:13:21,647 --> 01:13:23,815 ...and I don't want to hear anymore! 1121 01:13:24,066 --> 01:13:26,776 You're absolutely right, sir. Not another damn word. 1122 01:13:27,027 --> 01:13:28,069 Thank you. 1123 01:13:28,529 --> 01:13:31,656 But she's getting fired this year, which she didn't tell us. 1124 01:13:31,907 --> 01:13:34,909 You're already in enough trouble with the review board. 1125 01:13:35,119 --> 01:13:38,746 Yeah, but when she was in the pageant, the only reason she won was... 1126 01:13:38,956 --> 01:13:42,667 ...because the winner got food poisoning. How bizarro is that? 1127 01:13:42,918 --> 01:13:44,127 - "Bizarro"? - Oh! Oh! 1128 01:13:44,336 --> 01:13:48,131 She threatened me. According to Mary Jo, she has a history of violence. 1129 01:13:48,340 --> 01:13:49,549 Who is Mary Jo? 1130 01:13:49,758 --> 01:13:52,343 Are you getting your information from a pajama party? 1131 01:13:52,594 --> 01:13:53,928 Would you shut up? 1132 01:13:54,179 --> 01:13:56,347 You're shutting up enough for both of us. 1133 01:13:56,557 --> 01:13:57,598 - Matthews. - Yes, sir? 1134 01:13:57,808 --> 01:13:59,934 Is there any reason to suspect Morningside? 1135 01:14:06,859 --> 01:14:07,942 No, sir. 1136 01:14:11,989 --> 01:14:13,030 There. 1137 01:14:13,198 --> 01:14:16,451 I request permission to stay with a small contingent. 1138 01:14:16,618 --> 01:14:20,204 - Denied. - Then I request permission to stay alone. 1139 01:14:20,497 --> 01:14:24,876 You know what, I don't care what you do. You want to stay, stay! 1140 01:14:25,085 --> 01:14:28,379 But as a private citizen. Turn in your badge and your gun. 1141 01:14:29,131 --> 01:14:31,883 Everybody, I suggest we start packing. 1142 01:14:35,637 --> 01:14:36,721 What? 1143 01:14:36,972 --> 01:14:39,098 Don't look at me like I betrayed you. 1144 01:14:39,349 --> 01:14:41,309 Betrayal implies action. You stood there. 1145 01:14:41,518 --> 01:14:43,019 You got nothing to go on. 1146 01:14:43,228 --> 01:14:45,396 I know everyone thinks I'm a screwup. 1147 01:14:45,647 --> 01:14:49,108 But I feel like I'm in the right place at the right time. 1148 01:14:49,318 --> 01:14:52,403 I have to protect those girls. It is my job. 1149 01:14:52,613 --> 01:14:53,905 Part of it is following orders. 1150 01:14:54,156 --> 01:14:58,034 The other part is using your brain. Throw out the rule book... 1151 01:14:58,243 --> 01:15:01,245 I like the book. I like knowing what I can and cannot do. 1152 01:15:01,497 --> 01:15:03,623 You're not the only one who lives for the job. 1153 01:15:03,832 --> 01:15:06,834 I want to keep mine for the next 20 or 30 years. 1154 01:15:08,086 --> 01:15:09,670 Jesus, Hart. 1155 01:15:09,880 --> 01:15:11,130 Give it a rest. 1156 01:15:11,340 --> 01:15:13,132 Sure, give it a rest. 1157 01:15:15,135 --> 01:15:16,385 What are you doing? 1158 01:15:17,930 --> 01:15:19,430 Don't do it. 1159 01:16:00,806 --> 01:16:02,306 [CLAPPING] 1160 01:16:02,558 --> 01:16:03,933 Thank you. 1161 01:16:04,977 --> 01:16:07,103 Thank you so much. 1162 01:16:08,939 --> 01:16:10,606 I can't believe it! 1163 01:16:14,194 --> 01:16:15,486 Hi, Mom. 1164 01:16:16,572 --> 01:16:18,072 Don't do that! 1165 01:16:18,323 --> 01:16:22,577 That slow, creepy thing in the shadows. Your father used to do that. 1166 01:16:22,786 --> 01:16:23,828 Mom. 1167 01:16:26,331 --> 01:16:27,748 This isn't gonna work. 1168 01:16:28,500 --> 01:16:31,002 Honey, of course it's going to work. 1169 01:16:31,211 --> 01:16:34,255 The feds caught the Citizen. We have no one to pin it on! 1170 01:16:34,590 --> 01:16:36,007 Okay, that was bad luck. 1171 01:16:36,216 --> 01:16:40,428 But what about all these other letters from terrorist groups threatening us? 1172 01:16:40,637 --> 01:16:42,221 "Women's Liberation Front." 1173 01:16:42,514 --> 01:16:45,850 "Islamic Jihad." They're not so nuts about the swimsuit competition. 1174 01:16:46,101 --> 01:16:48,477 Any one of these could have planted a bomb. 1175 01:16:48,687 --> 01:16:50,354 When did we get those? 1176 01:16:50,772 --> 01:16:53,107 I just finished writing them. 1177 01:16:53,317 --> 01:16:55,359 Just like the Citizen letter. 1178 01:16:56,445 --> 01:16:57,737 You're a genius. 1179 01:16:57,988 --> 01:17:00,489 No, Frank. I'm just pissed off. 1180 01:17:00,699 --> 01:17:02,992 Nobody fires me and gets away with it. 1181 01:17:03,243 --> 01:17:05,369 They want a newer, hotter show... 1182 01:17:05,537 --> 01:17:06,704 ...they're gonna get it. 1183 01:17:07,331 --> 01:17:08,873 Mom, you're a little scary. 1184 01:17:09,124 --> 01:17:10,708 And you're a little bit sloppy. 1185 01:17:10,876 --> 01:17:13,794 Tuck your shirt. I don't want to tell you again. 1186 01:17:14,880 --> 01:17:16,047 Let's go home, honey. 1187 01:17:16,673 --> 01:17:17,715 Mom? 1188 01:17:18,967 --> 01:17:20,217 Oops. 1189 01:17:32,397 --> 01:17:33,856 What's up? 1190 01:17:39,363 --> 01:17:41,489 - Need a hand, boss? - I got it. 1191 01:17:48,580 --> 01:17:50,873 Okay, Vic. Beautify me. 1192 01:17:51,083 --> 01:17:55,044 Hair, makeup, shellac, whatever it is you do. That shiny stuff... 1193 01:17:55,295 --> 01:17:56,545 Where are you going? 1194 01:17:56,755 --> 01:18:01,050 Your Agent McDonald insists that I depart, or I won't be compensated. 1195 01:18:01,426 --> 01:18:04,178 No. After the top 10! I am completely on my own. 1196 01:18:04,388 --> 01:18:06,931 The FBI is gone, it's not fixed. I need you! 1197 01:18:07,099 --> 01:18:09,183 Not anymore. The cocoon is open. 1198 01:18:09,393 --> 01:18:12,353 I've taken a woman without a smidgen of estrogen... 1199 01:18:12,562 --> 01:18:14,230 ...and made her a lady. 1200 01:18:14,439 --> 01:18:17,024 - Come on. - I've never been prouder of myself. 1201 01:18:18,443 --> 01:18:19,527 Or... 1202 01:18:21,113 --> 01:18:23,447 ...of any girl I have ever coached. 1203 01:18:24,574 --> 01:18:26,283 You are truly unique. 1204 01:18:27,119 --> 01:18:31,455 If I ever had a daughter, I imagine that she would be... 1205 01:18:31,957 --> 01:18:33,124 ...something like you. 1206 01:18:35,544 --> 01:18:37,128 Which is why I never reproduced. 1207 01:18:39,339 --> 01:18:42,633 I have a really strong feeling something will happen to these girls. 1208 01:18:42,884 --> 01:18:44,552 You need to stay for me. Please. 1209 01:18:44,761 --> 01:18:46,095 I can't. 1210 01:18:46,722 --> 01:18:49,807 But I can leave you this. I was saving it for tonight. 1211 01:18:50,142 --> 01:18:52,601 It's your size, I believe. 1212 01:18:52,978 --> 01:18:54,812 Good luck to you, Gracie Lou. 1213 01:19:00,402 --> 01:19:02,111 It's been a privilege. 1214 01:19:21,131 --> 01:19:22,757 No insults today? 1215 01:19:23,008 --> 01:19:24,258 You're a Don Ho. 1216 01:19:24,468 --> 01:19:27,970 Has anyone seen Gracie? I can't believe she missed dress rehearsal. 1217 01:19:28,180 --> 01:19:31,599 Maybe she couldn't take the pressure. She ate four slices last night. 1218 01:19:31,808 --> 01:19:36,979 We all saw her glasses performance. She is not making the top 10. 1219 01:19:38,023 --> 01:19:39,982 I overslept my beauty sleep. 1220 01:19:40,192 --> 01:19:42,902 - Do you need help? - No, I'm fine. 1221 01:19:43,445 --> 01:19:45,780 I wonder which one of these... 1222 01:19:46,031 --> 01:19:47,406 ...is lipstick. 1223 01:19:50,702 --> 01:19:51,786 Ladies! 1224 01:19:51,953 --> 01:19:54,455 Now, the first thing we need to deal with... 1225 01:19:54,623 --> 01:19:57,541 [TALKING SIMULTANEOUSLY] 1226 01:20:14,976 --> 01:20:17,686 Good luck, ladies! Keep it moving. Let's go! 1227 01:20:17,896 --> 01:20:18,979 Looking good, ladies. 1228 01:20:19,231 --> 01:20:21,482 Will you go back to the mothership? 1229 01:20:21,691 --> 01:20:23,359 As long as you go with me, Tex-Ass. 1230 01:20:23,568 --> 01:20:26,695 Let's go, Pennsylvania, New Jersey, Texas... 1231 01:20:27,405 --> 01:20:29,865 I can't open the goddamn bottle. 1232 01:20:30,075 --> 01:20:31,075 Frank! 1233 01:20:31,326 --> 01:20:33,536 SCOTT: Have a good show. You guys excited? 1234 01:20:34,746 --> 01:20:35,830 Get it. 1235 01:20:40,585 --> 01:20:41,710 Where are you going? 1236 01:20:41,920 --> 01:20:44,338 I forgot my breasts. Hold on, I'll be back. 1237 01:20:50,178 --> 01:20:51,470 Going live. 1238 01:20:51,680 --> 01:20:54,765 In five, four, three... 1239 01:20:55,016 --> 01:20:58,269 It's the 75th Annual Miss United States Pageant... 1240 01:20:58,478 --> 01:21:02,064 ...live from San Antonio, Texas! 1241 01:21:03,066 --> 01:21:05,609 [BOSSON'S "ONE IN A MILLION" PLAYS] 1242 01:21:13,243 --> 01:21:15,786 Good. That's the one I use at home. 1243 01:23:11,528 --> 01:23:14,363 And your host for the evening, Stan Fields! 1244 01:23:14,572 --> 01:23:17,116 Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! 1245 01:23:17,325 --> 01:23:21,996 And welcome to a night of beauty, talent and poise. 1246 01:23:22,205 --> 01:23:24,665 I'm not just talking about my cohost... 1247 01:23:24,916 --> 01:23:27,418 ...Kathy Morningside! 1248 01:23:30,380 --> 01:23:33,132 - Hello, Kathy. - Stan, you charmer. 1249 01:23:33,341 --> 01:23:36,593 But you forgot to mention "incredible intelligence." 1250 01:23:36,761 --> 01:23:39,847 That was incredibly stupid of me. How can I make it up? 1251 01:23:40,098 --> 01:23:42,516 By helping me to announce the top 10... 1252 01:23:42,726 --> 01:23:46,854 ...chosen based on their performance during the preliminaries this week. 1253 01:23:47,063 --> 01:23:48,564 Here's the envelope. 1254 01:23:48,773 --> 01:23:51,942 Thank you, Scott. Ladies, hold your breath. 1255 01:23:54,738 --> 01:23:56,196 Hawaii! 1256 01:23:56,406 --> 01:23:59,658 Follow her. Beautiful. Come in for that reaction. 1257 01:24:01,161 --> 01:24:03,037 - Go to two. - Going to two. 1258 01:24:03,246 --> 01:24:04,788 California! 1259 01:24:07,083 --> 01:24:08,208 New York! 1260 01:24:11,671 --> 01:24:12,713 Alaska! 1261 01:24:15,633 --> 01:24:17,217 Texas! 1262 01:24:21,765 --> 01:24:23,140 Thank you. 1263 01:24:24,809 --> 01:24:26,685 New Jersey! 1264 01:24:29,105 --> 01:24:30,564 Thank you, thank you. 1265 01:24:31,399 --> 01:24:32,441 Oh, shit! 1266 01:24:34,069 --> 01:24:35,319 That was graceful. 1267 01:24:35,570 --> 01:24:37,196 STAN: That must have hurt. 1268 01:24:37,655 --> 01:24:39,740 But she's up and at it. 1269 01:24:45,914 --> 01:24:49,124 And last but not least, Rhode Island. 1270 01:24:53,838 --> 01:24:57,758 And there they are! This year's top 10 finalists. 1271 01:25:00,845 --> 01:25:02,763 Well, the top 10 have been chosen. 1272 01:25:02,972 --> 01:25:06,642 We'll be right back with tonight's swimsuit competition. 1273 01:25:13,525 --> 01:25:15,692 I checked out Kathy Morningside. 1274 01:25:15,860 --> 01:25:18,237 - Anything? - Not even a traffic ticket. 1275 01:25:18,488 --> 01:25:23,033 Model citizen. Beauty contestant, pageant director, loving mom. 1276 01:25:23,243 --> 01:25:25,536 - She's married? - Widow. One son. 1277 01:25:25,787 --> 01:25:28,789 A sniveling, obsequious weasel of a human being. 1278 01:25:29,874 --> 01:25:33,001 - You know her son? - So do you. It's Frank. 1279 01:25:33,211 --> 01:25:35,879 - Her assistant? - Asshole Frank? 1280 01:25:36,047 --> 01:25:37,047 One and the same. 1281 01:25:37,298 --> 01:25:40,300 She never mentioned anything. Anything come up on the CCH? 1282 01:25:40,510 --> 01:25:41,885 Nothing on Frank Tobin. 1283 01:25:42,053 --> 01:25:44,263 There wouldn't be. His name is Morningside. 1284 01:25:44,514 --> 01:25:47,307 He changed it to cover his many indiscretions. 1285 01:25:48,059 --> 01:25:49,685 Wait. How do you know that? 1286 01:25:50,562 --> 01:25:53,063 I've been around this pageant for many years. 1287 01:25:53,314 --> 01:25:56,567 I could shock you with the intimate details I'm privy to. 1288 01:26:13,668 --> 01:26:15,085 Good job! Good job 1289 01:26:15,295 --> 01:26:18,172 Keep going, everybody. Keep moving. 1290 01:26:22,427 --> 01:26:23,510 Hey, hey. 1291 01:26:23,720 --> 01:26:25,179 I got you something. 1292 01:26:26,514 --> 01:26:28,098 Oh! Oh. 1293 01:26:28,349 --> 01:26:29,433 I couldn't... 1294 01:26:29,684 --> 01:26:32,269 You ate pizza, you stole panties, you're wild. 1295 01:26:32,520 --> 01:26:34,521 We worked on this, remember? 1296 01:26:35,106 --> 01:26:36,440 You're gonna be great. 1297 01:26:43,740 --> 01:26:46,241 - Can I see your ticket? - Federal officer. 1298 01:26:47,076 --> 01:26:48,577 I'm with him. 1299 01:26:50,413 --> 01:26:54,249 [HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS] 1300 01:27:20,735 --> 01:27:22,444 Gentlemen, you can't go in... 1301 01:27:22,612 --> 01:27:23,654 Victor! 1302 01:27:24,656 --> 01:27:25,989 He's with me. 1303 01:27:27,492 --> 01:27:29,660 Wait. I'm not "with him" with him. 1304 01:27:29,911 --> 01:27:31,495 Come on, muffin. 1305 01:27:45,593 --> 01:27:49,012 Thank you! She certainly lit my fire. 1306 01:27:50,765 --> 01:27:53,141 Now you can wear Satan's panties! 1307 01:27:55,270 --> 01:27:57,938 Oh, my God, I gotta go on! 1308 01:28:02,652 --> 01:28:04,653 - Hey, Hart. - What are you doing here? 1309 01:28:04,904 --> 01:28:08,532 I think you might have been right. Frank is Kathy Morningside's son. 1310 01:28:08,700 --> 01:28:10,284 Disgusting, perverted Frank? 1311 01:28:10,535 --> 01:28:12,786 He cleared under another name. I ran a new CCH. 1312 01:28:12,996 --> 01:28:15,539 DUI, assault, even a weapons charge. 1313 01:28:15,790 --> 01:28:17,124 Are we doing full deployment? 1314 01:28:17,333 --> 01:28:20,002 McDonald didn't want to hear about it. It's just us. 1315 01:28:20,837 --> 01:28:23,046 Interview set change, five minutes. 1316 01:28:23,214 --> 01:28:25,048 Good show, Mr. Tobin. 1317 01:28:26,009 --> 01:28:29,511 Get ready. Interview set change, five minutes. 1318 01:28:32,849 --> 01:28:34,975 You're up next, New Jersey. 1319 01:28:35,184 --> 01:28:36,727 I gotta get my glasses. 1320 01:28:38,396 --> 01:28:40,647 Hey! You're drinking my talent! 1321 01:28:40,857 --> 01:28:42,983 You got to make it into the top five. 1322 01:28:43,192 --> 01:28:44,901 - Can you whistle? - No! 1323 01:28:45,069 --> 01:28:47,029 - Make hand puppets? - No! 1324 01:28:47,238 --> 01:28:49,239 I had a girl who rearranged furniture. 1325 01:28:49,490 --> 01:28:51,950 You said all I have is sarcasm and a gun. 1326 01:28:52,201 --> 01:28:53,869 That and a right hook. 1327 01:28:54,746 --> 01:28:59,666 And now, the musical stylings of Gracie Lou Freebush. 1328 01:29:04,088 --> 01:29:05,088 Good evening. 1329 01:29:05,340 --> 01:29:09,217 The program says I'm supposed to play the water glasses for you... 1330 01:29:09,427 --> 01:29:10,927 ...but the girls got dehydrated. 1331 01:29:12,597 --> 01:29:13,722 No water glasses? 1332 01:29:14,599 --> 01:29:16,558 You want me to go to a commercial? 1333 01:29:16,768 --> 01:29:19,102 No, stay on her. Go with it. 1334 01:29:19,354 --> 01:29:23,732 I believe no woman should be without a basic knowledge of self-defense. 1335 01:29:23,941 --> 01:29:28,028 So in order to show you this, I'm gonna need a little help. 1336 01:29:28,529 --> 01:29:32,366 I would like to bring out my assistant, Eric Bob. 1337 01:29:36,579 --> 01:29:39,456 More changes? Follow her. Stay on her. 1338 01:29:39,624 --> 01:29:42,501 - how to inflict damage with the least amount of force. 1339 01:29:43,086 --> 01:29:48,465 In some cases, your attacker might come at you in a frontal assault. 1340 01:29:54,806 --> 01:29:56,807 Use the heel of your hand and thrust. 1341 01:29:57,016 --> 01:30:00,519 This will cause the nose to break and your assailant's eyes to tear... 1342 01:30:00,728 --> 01:30:02,312 ...giving you a chance to get away. 1343 01:30:02,563 --> 01:30:06,566 All right. Let's say your assailant comes at you from behind. 1344 01:30:12,031 --> 01:30:13,657 Attack me! 1345 01:30:14,325 --> 01:30:15,325 Oh. 1346 01:30:15,576 --> 01:30:18,245 Little Eric looks a little scared. 1347 01:30:21,457 --> 01:30:23,917 Maybe he needs a little applause. 1348 01:30:24,794 --> 01:30:26,461 Yeah! Eric! 1349 01:30:40,351 --> 01:30:42,144 She's kicking his ass! 1350 01:30:44,439 --> 01:30:46,064 LESLIE: You were the best queen ever. 1351 01:30:46,274 --> 01:30:48,358 Thank you, that is so sweet. 1352 01:30:48,609 --> 01:30:51,194 Ladies, give Lori some room to breathe. 1353 01:30:51,446 --> 01:30:52,863 Go on, now. 1354 01:30:53,197 --> 01:30:54,781 You need some powder. 1355 01:30:54,991 --> 01:30:56,950 You don't have to hold the crown all night. 1356 01:30:57,160 --> 01:30:59,619 My God, that is disgraceful. 1357 01:30:59,787 --> 01:31:00,829 Frank! 1358 01:31:01,080 --> 01:31:04,374 Take this to the prop master. See if you can't get it to shine. 1359 01:31:04,667 --> 01:31:08,587 If all else fails, go for the four sensitive areas of the body. 1360 01:31:08,796 --> 01:31:10,464 But just remember to "sing." 1361 01:31:10,673 --> 01:31:12,591 S-l-N-G. 1362 01:31:16,596 --> 01:31:18,513 Solar plexus, instep... 1363 01:31:18,723 --> 01:31:20,807 ...nose, groin! 1364 01:31:22,059 --> 01:31:23,226 SING. 1365 01:31:30,651 --> 01:31:32,068 Cue Stan. 1366 01:31:33,404 --> 01:31:34,529 Whoa. 1367 01:31:35,239 --> 01:31:37,115 Welcome to the Garden State! 1368 01:31:37,325 --> 01:31:42,370 When we return, we'll find out who those lucky final five are. 1369 01:31:44,832 --> 01:31:46,374 Let's go find Frank. 1370 01:31:46,584 --> 01:31:48,251 Take left. I'll take this side. 1371 01:31:48,503 --> 01:31:50,128 No, evening gown. Now. 1372 01:31:58,930 --> 01:32:01,264 STAN: Ladies! In one moment, five of you... 1373 01:32:01,432 --> 01:32:03,767 ...will be one step closer to the crown. 1374 01:32:05,353 --> 01:32:07,771 And one of those five... 1375 01:32:08,189 --> 01:32:09,523 ...is... 1376 01:32:12,026 --> 01:32:13,151 ...California! 1377 01:32:15,947 --> 01:32:17,739 Leslie Williams is a music major. 1378 01:32:17,949 --> 01:32:21,743 She believes in the healing power of music. Loves opera, reggae... 1379 01:32:22,036 --> 01:32:25,664 ...and, like any true California girl, the Beach Boys. 1380 01:32:27,083 --> 01:32:28,542 Rhode Island! 1381 01:32:29,627 --> 01:32:32,629 Cheryl Frasier is a science major. Her field is... 1382 01:32:32,797 --> 01:32:36,967 ...nuclear fission with a minor in elementary particles. 1383 01:32:38,928 --> 01:32:40,220 STAN: Nebraska! 1384 01:32:41,305 --> 01:32:44,933 For Kelly Beth Kelly, all the world is a stage. 1385 01:32:45,268 --> 01:32:47,143 A theater major... 1386 01:32:47,311 --> 01:32:51,314 ...she helps run a drama program for underprivileged children. 1387 01:32:51,983 --> 01:32:53,400 New Jersey! 1388 01:32:54,485 --> 01:32:58,280 Gracie Lou Freebush hopes to become a pediatrician. 1389 01:32:58,489 --> 01:33:00,782 Gracie, it's you. Go! 1390 01:33:00,992 --> 01:33:05,328 KATHY: Her hobbies include figure skating, water ballet... 1391 01:33:05,580 --> 01:33:08,498 ...and taking long, luxurious bubble baths. 1392 01:33:10,626 --> 01:33:12,335 You go, Gracie Lou. 1393 01:33:12,962 --> 01:33:15,505 And our fifth finalist: 1394 01:33:15,715 --> 01:33:17,674 Texas! 1395 01:33:18,342 --> 01:33:21,011 Mary Jo Wright is a psychology major. 1396 01:33:21,262 --> 01:33:24,514 In her spare time, she works in a homeless shelter... 1397 01:33:24,765 --> 01:33:26,308 ...and eats Mexican food. 1398 01:33:28,019 --> 01:33:31,730 Thank you, ladies. You were magnificent. 1399 01:33:36,944 --> 01:33:39,029 I want all the lesbians to know... 1400 01:33:39,238 --> 01:33:41,531 ...if I can make it to the top 10, so can you! 1401 01:33:41,741 --> 01:33:43,491 Big out to Brooklyn! Yo! 1402 01:33:44,285 --> 01:33:45,535 Get her off of there! 1403 01:33:45,786 --> 01:33:47,037 Go to Stan! 1404 01:33:48,039 --> 01:33:49,789 Tina, I love you, baby! 1405 01:33:49,999 --> 01:33:52,334 I love you, Karen! 1406 01:33:55,671 --> 01:33:57,130 Whoo! Yeah! 1407 01:33:57,381 --> 01:34:02,010 And we'll be right back with our final five lesbians. Interviews. 1408 01:34:02,219 --> 01:34:05,347 Bumper. Commercial. Can we say "lesbians"? 1409 01:34:05,556 --> 01:34:07,140 You got a problem with that? 1410 01:34:08,059 --> 01:34:11,895 In a way, America is like a big ship. 1411 01:34:12,188 --> 01:34:15,398 When we work together and respect each other... 1412 01:34:15,650 --> 01:34:18,234 ...that's when the ship gets safely home. 1413 01:34:19,278 --> 01:34:20,904 Terrific answer. 1414 01:34:21,155 --> 01:34:22,197 Damn it. 1415 01:34:25,076 --> 01:34:26,409 New Jersey. 1416 01:34:26,744 --> 01:34:29,704 As you may know, there are many who consider... 1417 01:34:29,914 --> 01:34:35,085 ...the Miss United States pageant to be outdated and antifeminist. 1418 01:34:35,419 --> 01:34:37,087 What would you say to them? 1419 01:34:37,421 --> 01:34:38,755 Oh, my God. 1420 01:34:38,923 --> 01:34:42,092 I would have to say, I used to be one of them. 1421 01:34:44,303 --> 01:34:46,596 And then I came here... 1422 01:34:46,847 --> 01:34:48,431 ...and I realized that... 1423 01:34:48,599 --> 01:34:53,186 ...these women are smart, terrific people... 1424 01:34:53,396 --> 01:34:57,941 ...who are just trying to make a difference in the world. 1425 01:34:59,193 --> 01:35:01,695 We've become really good friends. 1426 01:35:02,613 --> 01:35:07,033 I know we all secretly hope the other one will trip and fall on her face... 1427 01:35:07,952 --> 01:35:10,704 Wait a minute! I've already done that! 1428 01:35:15,626 --> 01:35:19,838 For me, this experience has been one of the most rewarding... 1429 01:35:21,257 --> 01:35:23,967 ...and liberating experiences of my life. 1430 01:35:26,887 --> 01:35:28,555 My God. 1431 01:35:29,223 --> 01:35:30,432 I did it. 1432 01:35:33,644 --> 01:35:34,894 And if anyone... 1433 01:35:35,396 --> 01:35:36,646 ...anyone... 1434 01:35:37,148 --> 01:35:39,357 ...tries to hurt one of my new friends... 1435 01:35:39,900 --> 01:35:41,401 ...I would take them out. 1436 01:35:42,069 --> 01:35:45,488 I would make them suffer so much, they'd wish they were never born. 1437 01:35:45,656 --> 01:35:49,659 And if they ran, I would hunt them down. 1438 01:35:54,373 --> 01:35:55,498 Thank you, Kathy. 1439 01:36:00,629 --> 01:36:04,591 A brief, shining moment, and then that mouth. 1440 01:36:06,093 --> 01:36:08,344 Helps if you pull it out. 1441 01:36:09,680 --> 01:36:11,681 Good luck, ladies. 1442 01:36:11,891 --> 01:36:14,100 Where's the crown? I wanted to rub it for luck. 1443 01:36:14,351 --> 01:36:15,977 Frank took it to get it polished. 1444 01:36:16,187 --> 01:36:18,980 I'll have it by the time they announce the winner. 1445 01:36:20,191 --> 01:36:21,691 My God! It's the crown! 1446 01:36:21,942 --> 01:36:23,985 Yes, it is. You can taste it now... 1447 01:36:24,195 --> 01:36:25,403 No, no, no! 1448 01:36:25,613 --> 01:36:29,824 It goes Texas, Rhode Island and New Jersey. Let's go. 1449 01:36:30,117 --> 01:36:32,160 Not the... This. In the... 1450 01:36:32,369 --> 01:36:33,995 SCOTT: Finale positions. 1451 01:36:34,205 --> 01:36:39,209 Yes. Wear the crown. Be the crown. You are the crown. 1452 01:36:44,381 --> 01:36:49,719 And now, the moment of truth and beauty. 1453 01:36:50,805 --> 01:36:52,222 STAN: The envelope, please. 1454 01:37:05,653 --> 01:37:06,694 What? 1455 01:37:07,822 --> 01:37:09,739 A lot of tension. 1456 01:37:10,074 --> 01:37:11,825 The fourth runner-up is... 1457 01:37:12,576 --> 01:37:13,576 ...California! 1458 01:37:22,419 --> 01:37:24,170 KATHY: The third runner-up is... 1459 01:37:26,590 --> 01:37:27,924 ...Nebraska! 1460 01:37:36,058 --> 01:37:38,768 - Am I in danger here? - Wait here. 1461 01:37:38,978 --> 01:37:41,271 STAN: The second runner-up is Texas! 1462 01:37:56,245 --> 01:37:57,537 Drop it! 1463 01:37:57,872 --> 01:37:59,414 I mean it! Drop it! 1464 01:37:59,623 --> 01:38:00,707 This is it. 1465 01:38:00,916 --> 01:38:01,958 The moment. 1466 01:38:02,126 --> 01:38:06,129 One of these two ladies will wear the crown. 1467 01:38:07,256 --> 01:38:09,132 Listen to me! 1468 01:38:09,300 --> 01:38:11,467 I'm gonna reach for my badge, slow. 1469 01:38:11,635 --> 01:38:13,511 You do, and you're dead. 1470 01:38:15,973 --> 01:38:17,307 STAN: The first runner-up... 1471 01:38:17,558 --> 01:38:20,810 ...who will have to take the winner's place if, for any reason... 1472 01:38:21,020 --> 01:38:23,021 ...she cannot fulfill her duties is: 1473 01:38:24,982 --> 01:38:26,774 New Jersey! Which means... 1474 01:38:26,984 --> 01:38:28,318 ...our new Miss United States is: 1475 01:38:28,527 --> 01:38:29,611 Don't take the crown. 1476 01:38:29,820 --> 01:38:31,487 Rhode Island's Cheryl Frasier! 1477 01:38:31,655 --> 01:38:35,783 - Don't take the crown. Trust me. - I can't hear you. What? 1478 01:38:39,038 --> 01:38:41,789 STAN: She reigns over all she sees 1479 01:38:42,666 --> 01:38:44,667 She's beauty and she's grace 1480 01:38:44,835 --> 01:38:49,547 She's queen of 50 states She's elegance and taste 1481 01:38:50,174 --> 01:38:52,467 She's Miss United States 1482 01:38:53,469 --> 01:38:56,554 Hold your crown up high 1483 01:38:58,599 --> 01:39:02,101 Go ahead, hold your crown up high 1484 01:39:04,647 --> 01:39:06,314 Raise it to the sky 1485 01:39:08,192 --> 01:39:09,651 Jersey's gone berserk! 1486 01:39:10,069 --> 01:39:11,653 Get her off the stage! 1487 01:39:11,820 --> 01:39:13,529 Get away! Get away! 1488 01:39:14,365 --> 01:39:16,783 STAN: Hold your crown up high 1489 01:39:18,327 --> 01:39:21,371 Raise it to the sky 1490 01:39:22,373 --> 01:39:26,334 Hold your crown up high 1491 01:39:33,175 --> 01:39:34,384 She stands for all that's good 1492 01:39:35,177 --> 01:39:37,887 She loves her neighborhood 1493 01:39:39,974 --> 01:39:42,976 She's friends with everyone she meets 1494 01:39:45,062 --> 01:39:47,146 She's beauty and she's grace 1495 01:39:47,398 --> 01:39:49,524 She's queen of 50 states 1496 01:39:50,526 --> 01:39:54,195 She's elegance and taste 1497 01:39:54,363 --> 01:39:57,240 She's Miss United States 1498 01:39:57,408 --> 01:39:59,534 Hold your crown up high 1499 01:39:59,702 --> 01:40:00,743 Gracie! 1500 01:40:01,036 --> 01:40:05,540 Hold your crown up high 1501 01:40:24,893 --> 01:40:27,937 She's Miss United States. 1502 01:40:30,274 --> 01:40:31,733 Okay. 1503 01:40:33,152 --> 01:40:34,944 Good show, everybody. 1504 01:40:35,946 --> 01:40:39,741 - I was right in the middle of my song! - There she is! 1505 01:40:42,453 --> 01:40:45,121 You got nothing on me. This is ridiculous. 1506 01:40:45,372 --> 01:40:48,916 Where you're going, they'd love to meet a former beauty queen. 1507 01:40:49,126 --> 01:40:51,294 When he says meet, he means M-E-A-T. 1508 01:40:53,797 --> 01:40:55,298 Miss Hart, you don't understand. 1509 01:40:55,466 --> 01:40:59,177 All I'm guilty of is trying to make the world a more beautiful place. 1510 01:40:59,386 --> 01:41:00,636 Look at yourself. 1511 01:41:00,804 --> 01:41:03,973 When I met you, Dennis Rodman looked better in a dress. 1512 01:41:04,224 --> 01:41:06,559 But now you're a lady! I did that. 1513 01:41:06,769 --> 01:41:10,980 Vic did that, and a team of highly specialized federal manicurists... 1514 01:41:11,190 --> 01:41:13,691 ...and people who make you beautiful. 1515 01:41:13,901 --> 01:41:15,276 Get in the car. 1516 01:41:15,486 --> 01:41:17,403 You think you saved something. 1517 01:41:17,613 --> 01:41:21,949 All you did was to destroy the dream of young women all over the country. 1518 01:41:22,159 --> 01:41:23,785 Their dream is to get blown up? 1519 01:41:23,994 --> 01:41:25,995 You got a good shot at that insanity plea. 1520 01:41:26,497 --> 01:41:27,622 I earned it! 1521 01:41:27,831 --> 01:41:30,458 Years of bitching beauty queens and what do I get? 1522 01:41:30,667 --> 01:41:34,587 Fired! They steal my life, they steal my beauty pageant. 1523 01:41:34,797 --> 01:41:39,008 Hey! It is not a beauty pageant. It is a scholarship program. 1524 01:41:39,218 --> 01:41:40,718 Yeah, yeah. 1525 01:41:40,844 --> 01:41:41,928 "Yes." 1526 01:41:47,351 --> 01:41:52,146 Enjoy running the Miss San Antonio Women's Correctional Facility Pageant! 1527 01:41:56,276 --> 01:41:58,736 - Get it? The Women's Correctional... - Hey. 1528 01:42:00,030 --> 01:42:01,531 That was good work. 1529 01:42:04,034 --> 01:42:05,243 Right back at you. 1530 01:42:08,372 --> 01:42:10,748 So, how does it feel? 1531 01:42:11,458 --> 01:42:13,334 Throwing the rule book out of the window? 1532 01:42:13,544 --> 01:42:15,294 Pretty good, actually. 1533 01:42:16,255 --> 01:42:17,880 I was thinking... 1534 01:42:18,048 --> 01:42:19,465 ...when we get back... 1535 01:42:19,675 --> 01:42:23,052 ...after we write up our reports and you get all ugly again... 1536 01:42:23,470 --> 01:42:25,555 ...maybe we could have dinner? 1537 01:42:25,764 --> 01:42:28,224 What? You asking me out on a date? 1538 01:42:28,892 --> 01:42:30,560 No. Just a casual dinner. 1539 01:42:30,811 --> 01:42:33,729 If we happen to have sex afterwards, so be it. 1540 01:42:37,317 --> 01:42:40,236 You think I'm gorgeous. 1541 01:42:40,404 --> 01:42:43,281 You want to date me... 1542 01:42:43,490 --> 01:42:46,325 ...love me and marry me. 1543 01:42:57,796 --> 01:42:59,714 ERIC: A part of you is gonna miss this. 1544 01:42:59,923 --> 01:43:02,091 The heels. They do something for my posture. 1545 01:43:02,342 --> 01:43:04,510 I'm suddenly very aware and proud of my breasts. 1546 01:43:04,720 --> 01:43:07,096 - Funny, me too. - Agent Matthews! Gracie! 1547 01:43:07,347 --> 01:43:08,681 Thank God you're still here. 1548 01:43:08,891 --> 01:43:10,433 There's been an emergency. 1549 01:43:10,684 --> 01:43:14,103 Somebody found some sort of incendiary device. 1550 01:43:14,313 --> 01:43:16,105 Come on, quickly! 1551 01:43:16,690 --> 01:43:17,732 Excuse me. FBI. 1552 01:43:17,900 --> 01:43:21,944 CHERYL: She saved the pageant, she saved our lives, and here she is! 1553 01:43:25,324 --> 01:43:26,616 That's not gonna work for me. 1554 01:43:27,701 --> 01:43:28,951 I can't go up there! 1555 01:43:29,244 --> 01:43:30,578 It was his idea, Gracie Lou. 1556 01:43:30,787 --> 01:43:33,623 I'd never get you here unless you could shoot someone. 1557 01:43:33,874 --> 01:43:35,625 You'll get yours, Henry Higgins. 1558 01:43:36,335 --> 01:43:37,376 Come on. 1559 01:43:37,586 --> 01:43:38,961 Come on! 1560 01:43:41,840 --> 01:43:46,928 Ladies and gentlemen, agent Gracie Hart of the FBI! 1561 01:43:50,349 --> 01:43:51,641 Not so fast! 1562 01:43:51,892 --> 01:43:54,977 Because even though you're a federal officer... 1563 01:43:55,270 --> 01:43:58,981 ...to us, you will always be Gracie Lou Freebush. 1564 01:43:59,149 --> 01:44:03,986 The nicest, sweetest, coolest girl at the pageant... 1565 01:44:04,238 --> 01:44:06,989 ...and this year's Miss Congeniality! 1566 01:44:24,007 --> 01:44:25,174 I, uh... 1567 01:44:25,592 --> 01:44:27,635 I don't know what to say. 1568 01:44:28,804 --> 01:44:30,763 Except for... 1569 01:44:31,181 --> 01:44:32,932 ...I can't wear this at work. 1570 01:44:35,352 --> 01:44:38,187 I never thought anything like this would happen to me. 1571 01:44:38,689 --> 01:44:42,400 I kind of hoped it wouldn't. But now that it has... 1572 01:44:42,859 --> 01:44:44,402 ...I just want to say that... 1573 01:44:44,611 --> 01:44:46,028 ...l'm very... 1574 01:44:49,199 --> 01:44:50,283 ...very honored. 1575 01:44:51,785 --> 01:44:52,827 And... 1576 01:44:54,037 --> 01:44:55,037 ...moved. 1577 01:44:55,706 --> 01:44:56,914 And... 1578 01:44:59,543 --> 01:45:01,210 ...truly touched. 1579 01:45:05,007 --> 01:45:06,173 And... 1580 01:45:13,432 --> 01:45:15,308 ...I really do want world peace. 1581 01:50:10,687 --> 01:50:12,688 [ENGLISH SDH]